Page 25 of Of Gods and Pain

So I allow myself to feel while I’m alone. I don’t push away the tightness in my chest. I don’t will my breathing to slow. I don’t dampen the nerves tingling under my skin. I just feel. Tears coat my shame, washing away the self-damning temptations crawling through my resolve.

Something soft presses into my arm, and I lower my hands to see Xamira watching me curiously. I wonder if she can feel emotions from us the way we can from Nell.

“That bad, huh?” I sniffle, leaning my head back on the cool vanity. Xamira huffs, as if to say 'duh,' and I chuckle. She leaps into my lap, settling herself against my chest, purring softly.

“You okay?” I ask, scratching behind her ears. She leans into my touch, her purr feeling a lot like the thrumming in my chest. She raises her head, looking at me with her bright, golden eyes, and nods once.

I raise an eyebrow, pursing my lips. “Yeah, me too.”

She doesn’t move from her spot, adding pressure to the area I’m struggling with the most. We sit in silence for a while, contained in our own simmering worlds.

I’m petting the silky fur on Xamira when a prickling sensation shoots through me. I abruptly sit straight, causing Xamira to lower in my lap. An awareness builds in my chest, and the sorid must feel it, too, because she jumps off me to pace and mewl in the silence.

It’s her. It has to be.

My bedroom door slams open, knocking into the wall with significant force. Casmir appears a moment later, a crazed look on his face. He’s breathing heavily, looking between Xamira and I. How did he get here so fast?

“You feel it?” He stammers, grabbing onto the door frame and pushing his hand into his chest. I nod while the little princess makes a noise of confirmation.

Cas, Em, Xamira!

A choked sob leaves me, and Cas falls to his knees heavily, bracing with his hands on the tile. We all answer her at once, and I lock eyes with the both of them; how do we coordinate just one of us speaking at a time?

Oh gods, I miss you guys so much! I’m alive, in Andras’s castle, and he has the entire city under his control. Please do not come here unless I tell you to. It is dangerous…he will kill you all and make me watch. Probably worse. Stay where you are. I’m okay. Are you all safe?

“Fuck!” I slam my fist into the wall ahead of me, fresh tears blurring my vision. My stomach turns abruptly, and I hold back the gag that threatens the time I have with my soul bond.

Anellah, please allow me to come to you! This is wrong. I must protect you at all costs, but you are forbidding it!

No, Xamira. You will wait until I tell you otherwise. I’m sorry, but that’s my final decision. I have no time for this argument…are you all safe?

The sorid releases an agonizing roar, and I wince. Casmir answers for us, quickly explaining that we’re okay and looking for a way to rescue her.

Do not worry about me, I’m okay. Andras has me locked in a room and keeps my magic from me, though he left a little extra today.

I fall to my back, the chilly floor a welcome contrast to the uncontrollable heat my skin is releasing. I have so much to say to her.

I’m sorry. I’m so fucking angry with you. I miss you more than is physically possible. I need to come to you. Please let me come to you. Please let me rescue you. Please, please, please.

I can’t get any words out, though. There’s a lump in my throat and a vacuum in my lungs, all keeping me from her.

Stop trying to find a way to me. Please. I’m fine now but he will hurt me beyond repair if you come here. I will find you when it is safe.

“Is she fucking serious?” I bellow, my voice echoing through the room. “As if we’re just going to stop trying to save her? Always so willing to be the sacrifice, but not allow anyone to sacrifice themselves for her!” I stand, feeling like my bones are crawling their way out of my flesh.

“Emrys, please calm down,” Cas whispers, attempting to placate me with open arms.

“No! Fuck that! Stop trying to find a way to her? She just wants us to give up?” I sob, hyperventilating at this point. “No. This isn’t right. I’m not going to give up. I can’t just give up on her!

“She’s given everything to take care of us, but who. The. FUCK. Takes care. Of her?!” I storm out of the room before I lose my grip on everything.

Okay, princess, you have my word.

Yeah, of course she does. Sweet, supportive Casmir; always the most loved because of how understanding and kind he is. Always willing to compromise and work with others’ wishes.

There’s a reason he’s the prince and I’m the captain. We’d both fail if put in each other’s roles.

Emrys?

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