Page 20 of Of Gods and Pain

My lips curve upwards as I fade to the welcoming nothingness. The numb abyss greats me with open arms and a kind smile, like an old friend who I haven’t seen in years, but still knows me better than anyone. Before I can reach her, though, awareness slithers back under my chest; it’s pounding, begging, pleading for me to hold on. Why? I have nothing to live for. I try to push it away, but it’s insistent, tugging my broken soul back up into my body.

Maybe I can wait another minute or two.

I don’t need to wait any longer because I hear Andras curse, followed by him shooting raw essence into me, filling up my graying skin. My weightlessness dissipates and all the sensations I was deadened to come crashing back into my system.

My lungs are the equivalent of molten lava as I wheeze in a large gulp of air. Did I stop breathing? The panting and trembling even out as my body frantically stitches itself back together.

“I’ll be back in a moment.” Andras’s voice brings back everything that just happened. “Watch her, but do not engage. I’m not finished yet.” A door opens and slams closed; I know it’s just Bren and me in the room, but I keep my eyes closed.

A streak of golden light pierces the hollow pocket inside me, and I nearly jump from the bed.

Oh my gods! My bonds.

Andras must have given me too much magic back.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Is it enough to reach them? I need to try.

Casmir, Emrys, Xamira?

No answer. Maybe if I push a little harder. I focus completely on the feeling of them, willing my message to reach their side of the bonds.

Cas, Em, Xamira!

Please. Please let this work.

Nell?

Fuck, is that really you, love?

Anellah!

All three of their replies hit me at once and I wince, attempting to keep my smile hidden as I talk to all of them at the same time. Andras will be back any second, so I need to get to the point and quick.

Oh gods, I miss you guys so much! I’m alive, in Andras’s castle, and he has the entire city under his control. Please do not come here unless I tell you to. It's dangerous…he will kill you all and make me watch. Probably worse. Stay where you are. I’m okay. Are you all safe?

I take a breath, hating that I need to lie to them, but it’s for their own safety. And sanity.

Anellah, please allow me to come to you! This is wrong. I must protect you at all costs, but you are forbidding it!

She sounds so sad, nearly as broken as me. My sweet girl.

No, Xamira. You will wait until I tell you otherwise. I’m sorry, but that’s my final decision. I have no time for this argument…are you all safe?

Yes, princess, we’re safe. Physically, at least. We’ve all been losing our minds trying to figure out how to get to you. Even Ansa.

Shit, I knew this was going to be hard on them. I should ease their anxieties.

Do not worry about me, I’m okay. Andras has me locked in a room and keeps my magic from me, though he left a little extra today.

My lip trembles at what I must say next.

Stop trying to find a way to me. Please. I’m fine now, but he will hurt me beyond repair if you come here. I will find you when it is safe.

At least I didn’t lie…I just don’t need to tell them that there will not be a time when it is safe. Andras will kill me. But that’s my burden to bear.

A few moments of silence pass through the bonds, and I’m worried I lost the connection to them when Casmir’s confident, calming voice gathers inside me again.

Okay, princess, you have my word.

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