Page 3 of Of Gods and Pain

Chapter Two

Casmir

Fuck.

I’ve been trying so hard to get through to Emrys, but I just don’t have the time to give him all of me like I did when this happened before. We don’t have the time for that; he can do whatever he needs after we find Nell. I’m not sure how to get through to him that allowing ourselves to feel those horrific emotions is just going to set us back. We need to stay focused, no matter how much we’re hurting. For her.

I love Em, and I want to be there for him, but Nell is the most important thing right now. He’s had a very difficult past—and I would never judge him for coping how he chooses with that trauma—but we need to save our goddess before anything else. Maybe when she comes back to us, he will finally open up to me about the memories that haunt his dreams. He’s never told me what he went through before I found him on the streets and forced him to come back to the castle with me. But the way he responds to certain things? I have a pretty good guess. I won’t force him to talk about it, but maybe I could suggest he just think about the idea? Even if it was to an empty room?

I want to tell him how I’m feeling. How my soul aches, knowing what she’s going through. How I can barely sleep each night with the guilt eating me alive. How I need to physically shove all of those emotions into the dark void I carry with me, because otherwise I would be spiraling just as bad as Em.

I wipe all of that from my mind. I don’t have the time, or capacity, to think about all of it right now. I need to keep my intentions on the goal: Anellah.

I open the door to my study, sighing deeply at the familiar, musky scent. My vision blurs at the edges. I sit at my desk, close my eyes, and take several deep breaths.

Pull it in, Cas. You can deal with it after we get her back.

But how are we going to get her back? Em is right…we are strong, and we have a powerful army, but it’s not enough. I’ve been trying to speak with Xamira; I’m not able to hear her in my head like Nell can, so it’s difficult. I’ve concluded that she thinks trying to take any force to Andras’s territory is a suicide mission, and will also get Nell killed. And he definitely won’t be bringing her back to us, not when he has access to her power. He has us cornered, and we’re all feeling the pressure closing in from it.

Xamira's been a ball of anxiety, much like Em. I don’t believe she’s ever been away from her bond for any length of time. She was caged when Andras had them both last, but she was still allowed to be around Nell. This has been very difficult for her; I’m guessing her duty is to watch over Nell and protect her. And she can’t right now. It’s wreaking chaos in her, and I wish I knew what I could do to help. But she barely leaves Nell's room, even refusing food most days.

All of us have been trying to reach Nell, but it’s like she’s not even there anymore. Before, I could feel her presence; like a wisp of the most delicious energy flowing through my body, but that’s gone. It’s empty. A patch of darkness that I can’t find my way through.

I know she’s alive, though. She has to be, because I would know if he killed her. The incessant tugging in my chest pulls me in her direction, and as much as it annoys me sometimes, it’s the only thing keeping me sane these last weeks. The only thing I have that tells me she’s alive; that there’s still a chance for us to save her. I’m trying so hard to be strong. To keep a calm facade. But it’s nearly impossible, knowing what she’s going through.

When she told Em and me what Andras did to her the first time, I almost lost it. I was so close to going to him myself and ripping him to pieces. I knew there was something wrong about him, but we’ve never been able to prove it.

My breathing quickens as my thoughts leave me again. I scrunch my eyes, forcing my mind to clear, and willing my heart to slow its stuttering. I need to keep pushing forward. For all of them.

A light knock sounds at the door and I startle, too deep in my head to hear anyone nearing the study. I’m thankful for the distraction as Leia walks in. She looks tired; there’s a suppressed aura surrounding her that’s not normally there, and her skin is pale. A fresh wave of nausea flows through me, knowing I’m the cause of her stress. When Nell was taken, I was determined to keep up with all of my duties as Prince, and also find a way to rescue her. But Leia sat me down, and for the first time since she started working in this castle, looked down on me. She was stern when she told me she can take over most of my responsibilities; that I needed to focus on Nell. She wanted her back just as much as the rest of us did…I think she and our goddess are becoming friends.

I refused, of course, not wanting to give all of this to her. But she stood her ground and told me she wasn’t asking for my permission. I’ve always respected Leia, but seeing her so passionate about helping in this way…so that Xamira, Em, and I can work on aiding Nell? It was inspiring. I agreed, as long as she told me when there was something presented to her that she couldn’t handle. I knew she wouldn’t, though; she is a dramatically stubborn female, much like my soul bond.

“My Prince,” she bows her head, still insisting on the formalities after so many years. I’ve told her time and again that she can refer to me by my name, but she never has. She and Nell have had a little rivalry going, as Leia insists on a formal title for her as well, fully knowing it annoys my bond. It’s entertaining to watch them challenge each other.

“Leia,” I hesitate. “Is there nothing I can take from you this time? Maybe the annual budget report?” She raises an eyebrow, and I stammer, “You just look like you would benefit from some time to yourself. Not worrying about all of this that I’m supposed to be working on.” I gesture to the large pile of paperwork on my desk and in her hands.

Her eyes narrow, and sweat coats the back of my neck. My palms feel sticky, and I know I said something wrong. “What do you mean, I look like I need a break? What is it you’re seeing that gives you that impression, Your Highness?” I may be the prince, but even I know when not to cross Leia.

Fuck.

I try to think of the right words, but my head fails me. I throw out whatever comes to the surface first. “I just meant you look tired,” another eyebrow raise. “Not in a bad way, Leia, I just know how hard this job is…and you’ve taken on so much and—” She bursts out laughing, the sound foreign to my ears. No one has laughed in weeks.

“I’m just teasing you, My Prince.” She chuckles some more, and I have to fight the smile that threatens to show. “But the look on your face was worth it. Males get so flustered when they think they’ve insulted a female. It’s quite amusing.” I shake my head, and exhale a quick breath; it could almost be mistaken for a laugh, though I immediately stomp it back down. I can’t laugh while Nell is being…no. I can’t even finish that thought.

Leia pulls me from my darkening mind again. “I brought you some paperwork to sign if you’re looking for something to do.” She reaches forward and sets a few things in front of me.

I look over them quickly. The first is a waiver needed to build a new inn at the southern edge of the city. I sign it. The next two are documents for staff that are being hired in the castle. I sign those quickly, feeling more jittery than I was a few minutes ago. When was the last time I expelled my magic?

The last document catches my attention. The Anlorian Council voted to lower the budget for our armies, which will decrease the number of soldiers. I chew on my bottom lip, reading through the page several times more. I haven’t told the council yet of what is happening with Andras; I don’t want any rash decisions made when Nell’s life is on the line. They will see Andras as the important issue and want to go after him, but that’s not something I will allow. We will get Nell back first.

I sigh, running my hand over my face. This is not good. I have the power to veto a council vote, but I will need to tell them why. I don’t have a choice…we cannot lose any part of our armies. Actually, I was going to propose increasing the efforts with the armies, as I’m sure once Nell is out of Andras’s reach, he will come after us. There will be a fight, and I know he will not stop until all of us are dead and he has what he wants.

I hand the papers back to Leia and she lets out a small sigh, relief coating her face when she sees I did not sign the council’s vote. The space under my skin heats to an unbearable level and I stand, quickly leaving my study. I have no desire to hurt anyone, so I walk to the training room to release some magic.

Water surrounds all sides of me, flattened between two walls of air that I created to encompass the liquid. I may not have water, fire, or earth magic, but I can still use mine to manipulate those elements to some degree. I’m sitting on the mat in the training room, allowing the water to spin clockwise around my tense body in a slow, controlled manner.

Control is important. It’s why this training room was built decades ago: safe practice. Each of the windows that make up three of the room’s walls, and the stone wall that holds the weapons, are warded to resist magic. This allows anyone to practice in here without worry of taking down a building, or killing another fae, if they do not have control.

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