Page 4 of Of Gods and Pain

I spent many days in here as a child. I'd found it rather difficult to learn my magic, wondering how it was possible for me to practice with something I can't see. Everyone else could hold their elements, even without actively using magic. And then there was mine: air. An invisible, intangible frustration. It took years for me to understand that I shouldn't try to control the element, but work with it. If only I'd learn to apply that same logic to my current struggles.

A sprinkle of water hits my face, and I wince at the sharp sting. The blue tornado shudders a little, threatening to disintegrate. I pull on the threads of my magic, my body trembling at the effort to not lose myself to the cruel, demanding thoughts slithering under my skin. The torrent of water straightens out once more, and I breathe deeply. I can’t allow the others to see me like this; I need to get a hold of myself before I leave the training room. They all look to me as their leader. They see me as someone who is always calm and constrained. It would create unbridled chaos in the castle if they knew I was losing myself.

So, only here—only alone—do I allow myself to think those appalling thoughts. I allow myself to be reminded of my goddess, who is being tortured in every way possible. The devastating things she has already gone through would put any other fae to their knees; and yet she was ready, and determined, to go back to Europa and fight for justice.

She’s perfect.

But my thoughts stray, and I have to wonder what her upbringing was like for her to walk out of here with her head held high, ready to take on any battle coming her way. When she told Em and me who she was, and where she was from, there were moments I caught the sorrow in her eyes; but she immediately shut it down, creating a barrier between her thoughts and her outward appearance. That is until Emrys pushed her too far, and she didn’t hold in those dense emotions any longer.

My chest tightens unbearably at the reminder of what Andras did to her before. I should have killed him when I had the chance. I could have avoided listening to her just that once and ripped his gritty head from his body. But even as I think it, I know it wouldn’t have been possible. I could never refuse her.

My vision blurs as I recall what that moment was like, walking into the Solstice Ball, and seeing her for the first time. Em and I neared the entrance, and we both clutched our chests at a potent, zapping pain that left as quickly as it came. I surveyed the other fae, seeing that none of them had this same reaction to entering the ball, and immediately wondered if Andras was planning something that night. But as soon as I stepped through those doors, there was an adamant tugging that pulled my gaze in one direction. I locked eyes with the most stunningly perfect female I’ve ever seen. She was already staring confusedly at me and my captain; I knew I had to meet her, and I scrambled to get to her before she left the room, fearing I would never see her again.

When she held onto me as we danced…the axis of my soul shifted. Every cell in my body screamed: her. This perfect, devastating female was dancing with me, and she looked so unsure of herself. Her hesitant eyes looked into the depths of all the secrets and grief I’ve bottled over the years.

And, fuck, those eyes. The color was like a storm cloud being illuminated by the moonlight during the darkest part of the night. But the intention and emotion floating beneath the surface of that enchanting color? I could gaze at her for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy.

I decided right then that I would do anything to keep her by my side.

I throw the water back into its pool, knowing I won’t be able to hold it much longer as I allow myself to feel all of this. Some of it splashes over the sides, coating the floor, but I turn away and leave it be. My mind races to when she first kissed me. I was convinced the gods had taken me. My heart was beating too fast to be alive; and the place in my chest that was normally buzzing with subdued energy was pummeling my inner cage. The force took my breath away, exploding with blinding, ethereal light when her lips touched mine. Before then, I suspected that something was different about her. The connection between her, Em, and me was not normal—at least in fae standards. But that kiss confirmed those suspicions, and wrung out the suppressed, vast longing I had been feeling my entire life.

I think I knew deep down that she was the reason for those strange feelings inside of me. But I had only just met her…it was difficult to accept such a crazy idea. Especially when I did not know soul bonds existed, because nothing like that exists for the fae.

All of it was so confusing, and I could see Em struggling with his feelings more than me, though we didn’t talk about it until that morning in Veardale; the morning that I woke up with her beautiful body sprawled across mine, holding me like she would die in her sleep if she let go. I had never felt so content. It was like my soul finally got to rest, with her and Em sleeping by my side. I would have stayed in that moment for years if I could've. The burning desire that I felt for her—even then—was enough to shove a male to his knees.

Then Emrys confirmed he was feeling the same things I was, and I had no choice but to accept what the gods gifted us. As much as I wanted to know about our connection, I was not about to question having this quintessential being thrown into our lives. She was perfect—

She is perfect. She’s still alive.

My eyes refocus as a sliver of pain glides through my chest. I suddenly can’t breathe, knowing that something is happening to her at this very moment. I sit up, facing the waterfall Nell has grown to love, having an unbearable need to release something. A roar rings through the open space, my ears barely catching the sound, as I throw every bit of magic I have at the window. I see nothing except his face, and I imagine ripping the air from his lungs, suffocating him slowly. I would do it over and over, releasing him when he fell unconscious, so that he could see his miserable life flash before his eyes a hundred thousand times before I moved on to some other method.

My body gives out after so long, and I fall to my knees, doubling over and wheezing from the exertion. My eyes catch a slight movement as blood drips from my nose onto the mat.

Too much.

I was close to burning myself out, and yet it's still not enough to save her. I watch the blood form a small puddle on the floor, allowing myself one more minute of self-loathing and guilt before I pull myself together again.

“Wow. What did the room ever do to you?” I recognize Karis’s voice, sitting up to face him. It’s only then that I notice what he’s referring to; all the metal training equipment tangled with each other; some pieces are broken, while some are only bent. Each of the element stations looks a mess, with dirt and water spread across the far window, and staining the floor along the room. There are no weapons left on the stone wall, as they all seem to have flown in different directions, landing on various objects. There’s a dagger stuck in the mat next to me and I pluck it from the thick material, nausea sweeping through me as I recognize it’s Nell’s favorite dagger to train with.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I shouldn’t have joked like that.” I jolt at the sound, completely forgetting that he was here. I meet his eyes where he sits in front of me now, concern heavy in his features. I don’t know what to say. I don’t let others see me like this, but I just feel so broken.

I can’t find it in me to put a mask on right now.

“I don’t know what to do, Karis,” I plead, as if he’ll have the answers I can't find. “I don’t fucking know what to do.” He nods, not needing an explanation of what I’m referring to, as she is all any of us have been arguing over for weeks.

He sighs, and I take him in for the first time since he arrived; his black hair falls over itself in different directions, his clothes have creases that suggest he's worn them for a while, and he looks tired. Just as tired as the rest of us. It’s clear nobody is handling our goddess’s kidnapping well.

“I don’t have a solution. We’re all stuck on our own ideas of how to save her,” his voice cracks. “But none of those ideas are good enough.”

I look away, heat working its way over my neck. I shouldn't put my stress and pressure on the others. He continues, “But I don’t think Nell would want you and Emrys acting like this.” My gaze snaps to his, a whirling sensation building high in my abdomen. He pins me with a sharp look that forces me to keep my mouth shut. “I don’t mean this.” He gestures to the room, huffing out a breath. “As if you shouldn’t be able to express your feelings. I mean, she wouldn’t want you both completely throwing your lives away for her. You and Em have been sulking around each day, arguing with each other, creating tension with everyone else in the castle. The staff and guard are nervous to be around either of you. You feeling so horrible because of her is no excuse to treat the rest of us—or each other—poorly.

“We should all be coming together, trying to find a solution, instead of bickering and isolating ourselves. Your grief is valid, Cas…but it will not help anything. It will not help her.” I watch him for a few moments, my resolve waning at the sincerity I see in his eyes. I know he's just looking out for us; he always sees the best in people, even if we're stubborn, unkind princes. I can let his words upset me, or I can accept what's right in front of me.

He’s right.

We won't get anywhere by trying to figure this out solo; we need to work together to see if there’s any solution.

Chapter Three

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