Page 65 of Of Gods and Pain

Our bond glides the short distance, climbing into his lap and straddling his thighs. She wraps her soaked body around him, rocking slowly.

We sit like this for a while, with Nell resting against Cas as I hold on to her hand, memorizing the curves and texture.

She’s handling things better, that much I can tell. And as much as I wish we could help her through this slowly, we don’t have the time for that. We need her to come to terms with things, or at least push them away for now. It’s not healthy, but it’s important.

There’s a war coming. We need to prepare.

I’ll wipe her tears away each day, for the rest of my life, if that’s what it takes. But since nothing else seems to be working quickly, I think it’s time I share some of my story.

Things I’ve never told anyone…

Suck it up, Em. This is for her.

“The day the prince-to-be found me,” my quiet voice rings through the cave, capturing my bonds’ attention; even the water raging down the mountain seems to slow, as if it's clinging to my next words. “The day you found me was the day I ran away from my mother.” Neither of them speaks, watching me carefully. Nell squeezes my hand, and I realize I’ve stopped talking.

I take a deep breath. “It started out like most days: me waiting in my filthy room, in clothes I’d been wearing for many months, hoping that she would give me some food that day.” I huff a sarcastic laugh. “She didn’t, of course. There was always some kind of excuse that shot like venom out of her mouth; so she kept the food from me as punishment. That morning, it was because the night before she didn’t hear the man who bought me moan as much as she thought he should have. I didn’t put my full effort into his pleasure, according to her, and that was enough to starve me.” Nell gasps, wrenching me from my trance; I look over at them, seeing the horror written on both their faces. I can’t continue if I stare, so I look away and will my heart to slow.

It’s not fair that just thinking about the memory puts me right back into that little abused body.

It shouldn’t hurt this much.

“She kept me in that room all day, telling me that if I moved from the cum-stained mattress, I would suffer worse that night than she already had planned. It was a big night…some kind of celebration happening on the main floor, where I could hear the loud music and movement of people dancing.” There’s a sharp intake of breath, and I know it’s Nell realizing why getting her from the club that day was so difficult for me. Her hand tightens almost unbearably, as if she’s scared to let me go.

“Em—” I shake my head, not needing to hear what she was about to say. We both regret what we did that night.

“I didn’t know what she meant, but she got off on that. My anxiety. She loved threatening me with things I had no knowledge of, so she could laugh as I worked myself into a full panic. I spent that whole day staring at the fabric that made up my door.” I wince as the sound of footsteps crowds my space, shooting daggers right into my stomach. “I listened for her gait, waiting for hours to see what she had planned.

“When she appeared in my room that night, I understood why she was so excited about my punishment. I’d only ever taken one fae at a time, but that nigh—that night there were three. Two males, one female.” Everything around me slows, time itself pausing to listen.

“They had their fun with me. You don’t need the details, but it’s not hard to imagine how all three of them used me at the same time. Me. Barely twelve years old,” my voice cracks, and my eyes burn. My sweet bond feels everything I am, and she gags; I see her cover her mouth out of the corner of my eye, followed by Casmir attempting to console her while never taking his eyes from me. She hasn’t let go of my hand.

I’m glad. It’s keeping me in this moment; not allowing me to fully descend into the pits of blackness that I hide from the world.

“I was so upset with her. For years, I convinced myself that she didn’t actually hate me…that she sold me because we needed the money to live. I put up with it, trusting that she wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. It was for my own good.

“But that night, I knew what I told myself all those years was a lie. She didn’t care for me at all; I was just holes for her to make money off of. And when I realized this, I felt all the anger I held back for so long. I mean, how could a mother treat her child like that? Sell him to grown males because they can’t find anywhere else to get their cocks wet…it’s—I just can—it’s not right.” My breathing quickens, my heart so loud it’s the only sound I hear.

But I keep going. I need to finish the story. “I didn’t know magic existed until the moment I heard the screams of the three fae and realized they were burning alive. I always felt like there was something inside me trying to get out, and I knew right then that the fire was that thing. It was there to protect me. And I let it.

“I made sure there was nothing left of them but ash. I felt so powerful and unstoppable that I raged through the tunnels, catching fire to everything in sight. I was looking for her. I wanted to watch her skin melt off her bones and laugh as she begged for the mercy she never once gave me.” I close my eyes, focusing on those feelings instead of the helplessness that always seems to hover.

The cold that bothered me a while ago is now soothing my heated skin. Nell trembles harder, and I can feel both their gazes on me, but I keep mine trained to the water. They’re here. Supporting me. I can keep going.

“I didn’t find her. She got away somehow, and no one knew where she went. I didn’t have time to look for her as guards raided the building. I didn’t know if they were there to help—since the entire thing was burning—or to find the fae that caused the damage. So I ran. I left my mother behind, and I took my chance to leave that place for good.”

A tear slides down my cheek; I don’t move to wipe it away. “It was the first time I’d ever been outside. The air wasn’t so thick, and there were so many noises that I had to cover my ears. At least it was night, because I probably would have gone into shock if the sun was out at that moment. I didn’t know where anything was, and quickly realized that I also didn’t know anyone but my mother. And there was no way I would go back for her. So I kept running. After a while, I was so hungry I had to stop and look for food.” I look over to my bonds; my heart squeezes when I see Nell’s swollen face, covered in tears, though she’s still holding her chin high, trying to be strong for me. Cas has a look of utter defeat, and I wonder if he sees me as someone different now. I search his pained eyes, willing him to see how fucking thankful I am.

“But then you found me,” I whisper. He nods, reaching to grab my and Nell’s intertwined fingers, so that we’re all connected.

I focus once more on her, feeling immense relief now that the worst of it is over. “I don’t tell you this to hurt you, love.” Her eyes find mine and she bites down on her lip hard, blood seeping from the intrusion. “After Cas found me, I had panic attacks for years. I was so fucked in the head that I didn’t think I’d ever be normal. It took me a long, long time to understand that I will never be rid of the past. That instead of trying to erase those memories, I would need to learn to co-exist with them.

“I told myself that letting them haunt me was allowing her to win. I hadn’t seen her in years, and still she was controlling my every day. I didn’t want her to win. Never again. So each time I felt the panic rising, I would squeeze myself to help with the physical reaction and talk to myself to help with the mental. Whatever I needed to say to help my confused brain understand that we were no longer in that reality, and we will never go back.

“It took a while to get where I am today…I’m not perfect, but it’s better. I want that for you, love. I’m telling you this because I understand what you’re going through. More than you know. And I’m begging you to let us help when these episodes sneak up; you deserve to live outside of constant anxiety.”

She sighs deeply, pulling me closer to her and Cas. “And we can’t let Andras win. Against me, or in his revenge.”

“There she is,” I tease, wrapping them in my arms and cherishing this moment, thankful that they're not going to ask questions about my story.

---