Page 62 of Of Gods and Pain

Thought I heard. Because those memories aren’t real.

And that’s what’s really getting under my flesh. Not knowing what’s real…but honestly, does it even fucking matter? I can’t seem to shove any of the memories away, regardless.

I sigh, closing my eyes and focusing on the silky strands of Xamira’s fur. I can’t keep doing this. This cycle of telling myself I’m going to try; caving into myself until I’m hidden beneath my brittle bones, and pushing everyone away because I feel hopeless and sorry for myself. Then starting all over again with renewed determination to make it out of the hell I’ve created in my head. I’m becoming my own prison. Doing the same things to myself that I’m struggling to run away from.

I’m not okay.

But I don’t need to be…I just have to stop allowing these things to manipulate the hatred I feel for myself. And I need to do it soon, because there are much larger issues than my self-loathing.

Breoqan. The demon realm.

We still know nothing of it, or how Andras plans to use it to his advantage. And that scares me, because I don’t know what we’ll be fighting against. With my magic, I’m technically the strongest being in this realm. But what if demons are stronger? Or immune to my magic? Are they like the creatures in children’s novels, or the creepy things in horror films?

How the fuck did Andras even find out about it? He’s not even opening the bridge himself, he’s using Imogen—

Imogen.

Would she be his source? And if so…maybe there’s another who would have the information we seek…

I sit up, gently setting Xamira on the fluffy bedding. I need to tell my males about this! The sooner we gather information, the more time that gives us to prepare.

Something tells me we will need to be as prepared as possible.

I move toward the door, confident in my messy plans to piece myself back together and figure this out. I cross the hallway, not bothering to knock before opening Casmir’s door. I know they’re both in here. I can feel their presence, so I thankfully won’t need to fetch each one to tell them about my theory. I step inside the doorway and halt, a gasp leaving me.

What the fuck? Am I seeing this right?

Cas and Em are both naked, and Em is between the prince’s legs, licking his cock like he’s savoring the taste. Their heads snap my way, and I’m frozen. What do I say in this situation? I must be in shock because I can’t seem to move or speak…or look away. I didn’t know they were together.

Why didn’t they tell me?

It’s not like I would care. I’ve seen the looks they give each other when they think no one is watching; it’s very obvious they love one another.

So why do I feel hurt?

Why is bile streaming up my throat while a dagger plunges into my chest?

I don’t want to upset them or make them think I’m not okay with this. I should go process what I’m seeing before I say anything because my thoughts are a raging tempest.

“I—I’m sorry, you guys,” an awkward laugh escapes me. “I didn’t kno—I wasn’t trying to interrupt. I’m sorry.” I back away, intent on closing the door and scurrying back to my room. I shouldn’t feel this embarrassed.

“Love, wait,” Em calls, and I pause, raising my eyes back to their un-moving forms. “You’re not interrupting,” he smirks, and I home in on his fingers tenderly caressing Casmir’s outer thigh. “Stay.”

I’m really confused.

“No, that’s okay. Thanks, though.” Why do I sound like I’m placating an angry customer? “I’ll leave you two to, um…each other. Sorry.” I quickly pull the door closed and sprint back into my room, slamming my door and creating a barrier that will block anyone from entering. I feel their worry and closing distance as I stand with my back against the wood.

I press a hand to my mouth, trying to hold in a sob as they enter the hallway. Tears leave grooves on my cheeks as they fall from my eyes.

Why the fuck am I crying?

It was just my two soul bonds enjoying each other. I can’t explain why I’m so upset; I just feel hurt they didn’t tell me.

I think today was a lot, and I was already feeling overstimulated before walking in on them. I just need some time to calm down and I will be fine; then I can apologize for my horrific reaction. They probably think I’m disgusted by them. Never.

“Princess,” Cas pleads through the door quietly. “What’s wrong, my love? We didn’t mean to upset you.”

My lip trembles, but I can’t seem to speak the words they deserve to hear. Of course they didn’t upset me. I’m just having a bad day and apparently can’t handle anything. My throat tightens and my heart speeds up, as if it has no choice but to beat as fast as possible. My lungs feel heavy and the air is thinning around me. My vision wavers, tilting and blurring at the edges.

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