Page 63 of Of Gods and Pain

Just a panic attack.

I should’ve known it would come back. Now I’m just a bitch for running away.

I’ll apologize when this is over.

“Nell, talk to us.” Emrys’s tender voice makes me gag. I can’t listen to their unwavering kindness right now. It’s too much.

I push off the door, running to my balcony and stumbling over raw air as I move. I can’t fucking breathe.

“Xamira.” She needs no further instruction, shifting to her panther and allowing me to drape myself across her and press my face into her fur. She knows where to take me when this happens.

I’m trembling, trying hard to hold on to her as she jumps from the balcony and makes her way up to the cave entrance. She’s not usually a fan of water, but she doesn’t hesitate to sweep us through the falls and land on the stairs of the cave pool.

Thank you. Physical words fail me.

Go, Anellah. Center your soul. She pushes me further into the water, and I nod before falling to my back with a splash.

I call my magic forward, groaning as it releases; I create an air bubble around my face and wait as the chilly water pushes me to the bottom of the pool. Once my back hits the stone, I take several deep breaths.

I wait for a while before allowing myself to think of anything except the current sensations around me. When I feel calm enough to open the gate and let my swirling thoughts flood in, my breath hitches.

I don’t deserve them. My soul bonds.

I can’t believe I just ran away, like some child who just got caught doing something bad. They’re too good for me, because I know they will understand, but they shouldn’t have to.

I’m the reason their lives are so different. If I hadn’t triggered the bond, they wouldn’t feel the need to care for me all the time, or put so much of their focus on me when they have other things they need to do. They run an entire fucking city, along with its army…and yet I’ve been soaking in their attention like a female starved, not thinking of how any of this is affecting them.

Then to have the reaction I did when I saw them together?

I feel horrible.

I don’t wipe the tears that fall away. I let them consume the space I’ve created down here, telling myself that they can steal a few minutes of my time until I tuck them away and face my weaknesses.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Casmir

“Nell,” I whisper, pressing my head against her bedroom door. I can feel her just on the other side, her drowning thoughts louder than my voice. She thinks she’s not worthy of us…that she doesn’t deserve us.

She doesn’t realize that we only exist because she breathes.

I sigh, heaviness crushing the whirring in my chest. I should have known she was panicking after the way she retreated from training. I think sometimes she insists on being alone so she doesn’t feel like she’s burdening us, not because it’s what she actually wants.

I circle my head towards Em, who’s leaning his back against the wall, eyes closed and brows deeply furrowed.

I try once more. “Princess…what’s wrong, my love? We didn’t mean to upset you.” I have a feeling that she thinks Em and I were hiding our relationship from her. That we don’t trust her enough to tell her something so important. That’s not what happened, of course; but she was already having a hard time today, and I’m sure what she saw was just as shocking to her as it is to me.

He and I have been avoiding the obvious for a long time, and I don’t know where I summoned the confidence to finally say something, but I feel like an entire realm has been lifted from my shoulders. But there’s no time to discuss our thoughts right now. We need to be there for Nell, and then we can all sit down and talk.

The sound of her balcony door opening vibrates through the space, and for one moment my soul freezes; my lungs cease existing as I think she may finish what she started days ago. I straighten, my gaze snapping to Emrys when he roughly grabs my arm. Is he serious? She’s about to kill herself!

He shakes his head, turning my body to face him fully. “She’s not jumping,” he states bluntly. I open my mouth to speak, but he interrupts, “Listen, Cas.” I do. I focus on the movement in her room and can just make out the distinct sound of wings catching on air.

My shoulders slump, and the fear that overtook logic slowly dissipates. Em squeezes my shoulder, understanding in his gaze. Without a word, we walk down the hall toward the entrance to the mountain, knowing exactly where our soul bond is headed.

The quiet air around us as we move at a determined pace is not awkward at all. It feels…right. It’s as if things are falling into place, even though nothing seems okay right now. The faint humming under my soul agrees, telling me each of us has gotten through the worst of it.

I straighten my spine and press my lips together, something I do when I’m trying to look outwardly okay. I’m worried about Nell. She hasn’t told us much of her past, as she seems to fall into a dark void when she thinks about any of it. Even her time on Europa causes her to retract, leaving me wondering about how many fucking people in her life have wronged her.

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