Page 57 of Of Gods and Pain

“Stand just here, and I’ll begin your lesson,” mother says sternly. She’s the only one who can train me in essence magic, since she and I are the only gods to possess it. But I have shown no essence abilities yet…I’m not even sure I have it.

She says that I must because that’s what I was bred for, but does she not realize I don’t fucking control my genes? Doesn’t matter, though. It would still be my fault.

I sigh and stand where she indicated, impatiently waiting for her to get on with another failed lesson. We’re at the back of our house, away from prying eyes. It’s embarrassing to her that I can’t access the essence yet. She doesn’t want anyone seeing this disappointment of a child.

“Your lesson will be different today,” her sharp voice jolts me out of my thoughts, my eyes snapping to hers. “Instead of trying to explain how to call to the magic, you’re just going to have to do it.” That makes no sense.

“What does that mean?” She doesn’t answer, but gives me an evil smile that has the hairs on my neck rising. What is she planning?

I find out a moment later when my feet suddenly feel very cold. I look down and gasp at the pool of water covering up to my ankles, in the shape of a square. The air thickens and my breathing comes quicker; there’s no way she’s doing what I think she's going to.

I tentatively raise a hand, and it connects with a solid wall of nothing. My gaze catches hers, but I show none of the fear I’m feeling. That’s a weakness in her eyes, and she’d just make this worse for me.

You’re just going to have to do it.

She intends to fill this up, forcing the magic out of me in the name of survival. I glance down again, my suspicions confirmed when I see the water has reached my thighs.

Okay, Nell, what do we do?

I can’t panic. That would just piss her off. I could call Xamira and tell her to attack mother so she drops the walls? Or I could have her get my father. He would surely not approve of this. Likely why mother chose a time when he wasn’t home.

My only other choice is to wait and hope her plan works. I can do that, right? My magic wouldn’t let me die if it could easily save me…

Mother has talked about breathing in water before, so I know it’s possible. I know that’s what she’s trying to get me to do. The sharp sting of the rising liquid coats my chest. That was quick. She’s never had much patience. I suppose I don’t mind right now; the anticipation would probably be worse than whatever is about to happen.

I steel my spine, blanking my expression, and will the panic to go away. Mother watches me with a smug look on her face. Yeah, I got this. I’m going to release my essence and train like no one has before. One day, I will be stronger than her. One day, I’ll make sure she gets to go through these lessons, too.

The water rushes over my chin, and I take a deep breath as it completely engulfs me. My palms rest on the sides of the box, holding me steady. Mother’s distorted shape continues to stare, and I’m determined to show her just how strong I am.

I concentrate, pulling at the place where essence resides, willing it to finally show itself. It doesn’t. After nearly a minute of trying, the panic takes over.

This will not work. I don’t have essence magic! Why can’t she see that by now? Surely she won’t fucking drown her own daughter trying to prove a point? My fist hits a wall as a haunting scream erupts from me. Bubbles momentarily cover my vision as the last strands of air leave my body.

My lungs start to burn, a pain I can only describe as terrifyingly absolute. Nothing changes; the box and water still surround me, and I’ve no way out. Why won’t she stop this? Is she so angry I don’t have her magic that she has to kill me for it? Maybe she’ll just breed another daughter, hoping that experiment works since I’m such a failure.

Sharp pricks work their way over my skin and I have an intense urge to suck in a breath, regardless that I know it won’t be air entering my lungs. My vision goes black at the edges just as I see another figure run into the yard. The muffled screaming means nothing to my dying body. A black object hits the outside of the wall. Xamira. My sweet girl. Of course she would fight for me until our last breath.

I can’t stifle the urge any longer. I involuntarily open my mouth to breathe, my body convulsing against my will. At that moment, I feel a burst inside my chest, and I’m convinced it’s my organs popping until I open my eyes to see I’m clutching my abdomen as I wheeze into an air bubble. It’s not water filling my aching lungs.

Wait, is this my magic? Or did mother decide not to kill me after all? At once, the water and box disappear and I slip to the ground, landing on all fours as I heave in sweet, sweet air.

“You’ve gone too far this time, Aeryn! You nearly killed our daughter!” Father. That’s father’s voice.

“Look, Hale!” I roll to my back, not bothering to acknowledge their stares. “She’s perfectly fine! The lesson went exactly as I expected; she just needed a little motivation to unlock the essence.” I groan, scrunching my eyes shut at the onslaught of throbbing pain in my head.

I feel Xamira’s fur nestle against my hair, and I know she’s glaring daggers at mother. Good.

“Oh, Anellah, are you okay?” My father’s worried voice is much louder as he appears next to me.

I nod. I think. “I’m fine,” I croak, the movement causing another round of coughs.

“We will discuss this later, Aeryn. Leave.” I never hear him use that tone with her. It feels nice to be defended. Cared for.

I suppose things aren’t so bad if at least one parent likes you.

My heart squeezes. I miss my father. And Calix. No one else, though. They all treat me like I’m an object to manipulate for their purposes…but not father or Calix. They’ve always seen me as an actual being.

I chuckle to myself. The irony of me hating all the lessons mother put me through, and yet I’m using one on the panicked male in front of me. The water crests over his head, leaving him submerged. He thrashes and pounds against the walls.

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