Page 58 of Of Gods and Pain

I may use her strategies, but I will never be like her.

I create an air bubble around him, allowing him to breathe. His head snaps to me in shock, as if he truly expected I would murder him. I release his cage and allow him to settle before walking over. I crouch in front of him, making my gaze level with his.

“Nothing you just saw comes close to the things I can do. You underestimate a female again, and you’ll get to see some of those other things. Understand?” My voice is low enough to keep the others from hearing, saving him the embarrassment when he nods and bows his head.

I stride back over to the group and grin when they all stand straight, as if they don’t want to risk getting on my bad side. Rolling my eyes, we begin their training.

The next few hours include several kinds of instruction. I work with them on physical, mental, and magical combat. I start with each subject individually, and then gradually introduce scenarios that allow them to practice everything together. They seem to get the hang of it quickly, though Ansa struggles a bit more than the rest. She is meticulous, so the abstract nature of working all her assets together at the same time doesn’t click immediately.

But I’m not worried; she is determined to understand, and I know she’ll get it with the next couple trainings.

I sit down on the mat, leaning back on my palms, while the group files out of the room. Casmir and Emrys stay behind, walking over to me as soon as the others are gone. I can sense the question they want to ask, so I speak first.

“I’m sorry…I’d like to be alone for a while, if that’s fine with my prince,” I tease, though the sarcasm is missing from my voice.

His lips curve into a breathtaking smile as he nods. “Okay, princess. You know where to find us.”

When I’m alone, I drop fully to the mat, feeling so overwhelmed. Today has been a lot. A lot of interaction and touching. A lot of footsteps. Too many sounds. I should go shower before my crazed thoughts take over. I can feel heavy panic setting in, and I don’t want anyone to see that.

I run back to my room and jump into scalding water, hoping it’ll numb me from everything I’m feeling.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Emrys

Steaming water splatters my face, and I scrunch my eyes closed, allowing the liquid fire to douse my wavering resolve. Nell said she wanted to be alone for a while, but every instinct I have demands I go to her. Even being in the same room as her doesn’t seem like enough anymore.

Nell had once mentioned that the effects of our bond would become louder and harder to ignore, but I didn’t think it would be so intense. The urge to shove her, Cas, and Xamira into a box, and hide it where no one will ever be able to harm them again, is extraordinarily strong. I am constantly wrestling with every impulse, attempting to stay in control and respect Nell’s wishes.

Fuck, though. I just miss her.

I need to feel her. It’s as if my soul will not be sated until it’s permanently attached to her. Well, that is what the bonding ceremony does, so that makes sense.

I know she’s still struggling. I can see it. Honestly, I don’t believe she will ever stop grappling with the horrors of her past…I know I haven’t. But that doesn’t mean it can’t get easier, and I can’t force that on her. She needs time to work through this on her own. To learn how to cope with the contradicting feelings and still find the will to make it through each day.

If I could give her mine, I would without question.

I can’t, though; she has to do this herself. And I have to let her. I smile to myself, remembering the small laughs she attempted to hide earlier. I saw them, and they were…they were everything. I’m proud of her for trying. I’ve never met someone as strong as that female; I know no fae, including myself, who could have gone through what she did and smile just a few weeks later. No. She’s fucking incredible.

After I’m done in the shower, I pull on some sweats and walk over to Cas’s room, not bothering to knock before entering. He’s standing by the window, arms crossed, wearing a loose shirt and pants. He doesn’t turn when I enter, probably able to feel it’s me through the bond, just like I can feel him wherever he is.

The humming in my chest calms down slightly when I stand next to him, staring out at our large, lively city. His eyes find me, and his attention sends heat shooting down my spine. I take a deep breath, because I can’t allow myself to be that vulnerable around him. He’ll push me away.

“Are you okay?” His gravelly voice wrings the hesitation out of my body, and I look over at him. His eyes ripple like a forest on a windy day, with small openings where the sun peeks through. I nod, getting distracted by his wet, messy hair, soft smile, and puffy lips.

Gods, don’t do this to yourself, Em.

I snap my gaze away, focusing on the city once more, but not really seeing it. No, all my attention is still on my prince. He shifts, turning his body towards mine and leaning his shoulder against the window, so that his face is nearly in front of me. He raises an eyebrow, and I can’t stop the smirk that curves against my mouth; he’s always been so in-tune with what I’m feeling, even before the bond was triggered.

“Since when do we lie to each other?” Amusement emanates heavily from him.

“Who said I was lying?” My voice is more raspy than I intended.

“I did. Because you are.”

I meet his intelligent eyes, knowing he can probably look right into the depths of my soul and figure out the secrets I’ve tried to hide for so long. They’re not so hidden now. I’m not strong enough to push them away, and that scares me.

“I’m fine, it’s just today,” I dismiss his worry, the same thing I do for every uncomfortable subject. But he sees right through it, and I can’t tell if I’m happy or annoyed.

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