Page 48 of Of Gods and Pain

I was the goddess Anellah’s soul bond; I knew nothing outside the feeling of her soul in my chest, falling through layer after layer of muscle, dragging me down with her grief. I thought we lost her in that moment, and time ceased to exist as I watched her thin, pale body plummet towards the water.

I would’ve boiled the entire fucking river if it had killed her.

But then she started laughing. Her face lost the lines that I thought had permanently etched their way into her perfect skin. She looked so free and peaceful.

It was at that very moment that I accepted her choice to die. To leave Cas and me behind. To take Xamira with her. If this decision would give her this peace, I would deal with the consequences. But as she hit the water and swam to the bank, I let out a strangled breath and realized that I didn’t actually accept anything. I was just trying to convince myself that it was okay, since there was nothing I could do to help.

But like I said, I’m a selfish bastard.

So as soon as I find her, she’s not leaving my side. I will find a way to tie her to me that she won’t be able to break, if that’s what it takes. She will live, and I don’t give a fuck if she doesn’t like it.

Casmir might say that he’ll support whatever decision she makes, but I won’t let him. This isn’t some kind of democracy; and if I need to cage them both to make sure they understand that, then I will. Gladly.

But I must find her first.

She ran away last night, shutting us off completely so we couldn’t follow her. I wince as my words ring through my ears for the millionth time.

You’re a fucking coward, Anellah!

No, I’m the coward; I knew what I said would cut deep, and I wanted it to. Of course I was sure I’d regret it, though I didn’t think it would be this bad. I feel like my skin is peeling off, as if the guilt is literally eating me alive.

I need to apologize, make it right, and then help her in any way she’ll allow. Where is she? She has to be okay…I would know if she wasn’t, right? I doubt there’s a single fae in this city who could do anything to that female that she didn’t want. She’s definitely fine. Physically.

I just need to see her.

A burning scent touches my nose, and I spring up to see a patch of my sheets on fire. “Fuck!” I extinguish the flames and groan at the charred fabric that’s flaking apart.

I trudge to my shower, turning it on to the coldest setting, hissing as the beads of water steam when they hit my heated skin. I’m seriously losing control of myself. At least I can’t burn the castle down…right? I’ve never tried, but I doubt anything too important could hold a flame.

A force so strong it pulls me into the dark stone wrenches through my chest. My hand flies up to press on the powerful wave of emotion; it takes me a moment to realize that it’s not coming from me, but from her. She’s feeling these things, and they’re so heavy that they about took me down.

I can find her; I feel her in the castle somewhere.

I rush out of the shower, throwing on sweats and not bothering with anything else in my need to get to her. Something bad is happening; nausea stabs through my insides and it’s suddenly so hard to breathe. What the fuck is going on?

I follow the connection, slowing as I race up a stairwell towards the roof. Every step closer forces more weight into my chest; the pressure is too much. I’m sure the cavity will burst soon, but I don’t care. I’m only thinking of her right now.

I burst through the door that leads to the roof of the castle, and the sun blinds me momentarily. When my vision settles, I’m convinced the scene in front of me is a hallucination. Casmir is on his knees at the edge of the stone, pleading with Nell, who is screaming at him as she paces on…air. Xamira sits to the side in her panther form, looking like she’s about to leap and grab Nell before my goddess sees what’s coming.

“Please, princess, let us help you! I know it hurts—”

“You know it hurts?!” Her voice pierces through the chilled air, sending bolts of fear through my body. This is bad. “You know what hurts, Casmir? Because I didn’t realize that you know everything that’s happened!”

He rubs the back of his neck, and I step forward slowly, trying not to draw attention to myself. “You’re right. I don’t know all the details; but I’m here to listen. I want to help you, Nell. So does Emrys.” So much for being inconspicuous; Nell’s eyes shoot holes into me when Cas throws his arm back to indicate my agreement to his words.

“Why? Why, why, why?” She stumbles a step and I jerk forward, ready to jump and catch her, even though we’d both surely die from the fall. But she rights herself and continues to pace. “Why would either of you want to fucking help me? I’m such a disappointment…I can’t make a single correct decision. I hurt everyone around me, and I’m literally nothing but a used up, disgusting piece of flesh! I am nothing, I have nothing! I can’t live with myself, Casmir…this is too much. And forcing you, Emrys, and Xamira to deal with me is the most selfish thing I could do.” She falls to all fours, sobbing into the barrier she’s created.

I move forward, but Cas holds up a hand to stop me; my fists clench, but he’s right. She’s not thinking clearly and might drop her barrier if she sees us advancing on her. So I sit next to him, crossing my legs and attempting to look as non-threatening as possible.

Is this because of what I said? Even if it had just a little influence on her state…gods, I hate myself. I hate that I lash out when I know it’s the wrong decision. But I can’t think about myself right now; I need to mend this.

“I lied to you, Nell.” My voice is quiet, not much louder than her soft cries, but I know she can hear me. “I said you were a coward, but that was a lie. I’m the coward.” She sits back, bringing her knees to her chest and hiding her face. She’s listening.

“I’m scared of you, love. You fucking terrify me.” Cas’s head whips around. His eyes are as wide as the black hole in my chest feels. I continue without placating him. “You are a literal goddess. You are the most unbelievably exquisite being I’ve ever met. You’re so strong in every aspect; I’m utterly amazed at how you push through the days with everything you’ve been through.

“Nell, I can’t even begin to fathom the horrors soiling your mind. The memories you must feel along your skin.” Her eyes shoot up to me at that, and I keep pushing in that direction. “I know you feel them, like they’re still happening. Every touch that was forced upon you; each sliver of pain that your body endured. Of course you relive that every day! It was horrific, Nell, what happened to you.

“And yet you still choose to be here, with us. With Xamira. You amaze me. You are so much better than I could ever dream of being, and that’s why I’m terrified of you. I don’t deserve you, either of you.” I glance at Cas, my heart squeezing at the hard press of his lips and blur to his eyes. I look back to my beautiful goddess; she’s watching me with an empty expression. I just want to hold them. “I’m the coward, my love. For continuing to push myself away when you need me the most, because I convince myself that you don’t. That I’m just a burden to you, holding you back from everything.

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