Page 42 of Of Gods and Pain

I step out of the bathroom, catching Emrys’s eyes and nodding to the door. I look at our bond one last time, curled in the thick blankets, and walk into the hallway. Em follows me out, and we stroll to the common area on this floor before speaking.

“I don’t want to talk about what she told us,” he blurts, and an astonishingly heavy weight lifts from my shoulders.

“Agreed. But we at least need to discuss Andras.” Emrys stiffens, clenching his jaw.

“Why?”

“He’s going to come after her, Em. She’s his ticket to revenge.” Something else dawns on me. “And even if he doesn’t seek her out for his revenge against her parents, he will seek her out for escaping him. I’ve no doubt he’s already planning how to get her back.”

He scoffs, sitting in the tan armchair and leaning back, crossing his arms. “So let him plan! Why the fuck do we need to think about it? I don’t want that leech on my mind any more than he needs to be.”

My brows scrunch and I sit forward, leaning on my elbows. “Think, Captain. If he’s planning to come after her, that means he’s going to bring his army here. To Anloria.” I watch him, waiting for it to click. Finally it does, and he curses quietly. “It’s not just Nell we need to worry about. He will slaughter the entire city to get to her.”

He nods, a pained look crossing his face. “You’re right,” his tone is thoughtful, and I know I’m talking to my captain right now, not just my friend. “Andras is unpredictable. His only pattern is being a meticulous bastard, so there’s no telling how much time we have before he attacks.

“For all we fucking know, he’s been preparing his army for years and is on his way right now.”

I run a hand through my hair. “We’ll need to begin preparations immediately. I would like this to stay quiet for as long as possible. Mass hysteria would just make things more difficult.” He nods curtly, lost in thought.

That’s one thing I love about him…for all his faults, he makes a great captain. I’ve never known anyone else to be so gifted in the art of planning and strategy. And I’m glad for it. It’s nice having him next to me, making decisions with me.

I rest my chin on my fist, looking out the window towards the city we need to protect. I lied to Emrys. It is just Nell we need to worry about, because if I was forced to choose? I know I’d leave my people behind to save her.

And it kills me to admit, but I’m relieved Nell can’t go back to Europa. I want her here, where she belongs. I’m aching for her presence, and her not being able to leave showers me in an entirely new kind of relief. One I’d been hoping to feel before she left in the middle of the night.

I look back over to Emrys and hold in a wince. The second he walked back into the room with food, I knew what he had actually left to do. Faded blotches still line his cheeks, and his lashes are clumped together at odd angles. He took Nell’s story just as bad as I did.

I know he wishes he could have gotten her out sooner. I know he blames himself for everything she’s gone through. He has a habit of taking on the responsibility for things that aren't his fault; if not to make someone else feel better, to relieve his own guilt.

That’s always been the issue with Emrys. He’s a stubborn, impulsive asshole…but he has one of the most thoughtful souls I’ve ever known.

Chapter Twenty-One

Anellah

Muffled static surrounds me as I lay at the bottom of the cave pool. Deep breath after deep breath slow the needles pricking my skin and allow my mind to settle. The pressure of the water surrounding my overly sensitive skin is so incredibly nice.

Before I got my memories back, I never could understand why the squeezing and constant pressure helped when I was having a panic attack.

Now I know.

I’ve been using it as a grounding tool for decades…any time I felt overwhelmed, or too angry, I would go to the water and lie under its caress until I felt well enough to move on. This is the only place I’ve ever felt at peace. Until them.

Not the last few days, though; it’s completely my fault that there’s such a divide between all of us, but I don’t know how to handle any of this! Being near them makes me sick, because there’s no reason they should want me. I’m literally the scum of both realms, a disappointment to everyone who’s ever known me, and my soul has been smashed into pieces that won't ever fit back together. And when I’m near them, I’m such a bitch that it’s shocking they don’t murder me themselves.

But at the same time, I can’t stand to be away from them.

The thrumming in my chest at their absence kills me. The bond is so strong after the time we were apart from each other that I’m consistently gagging when I’m not in the same room as them.

It scares me. I don’t want the bond. They don’t deserve to be stuck with me forever, especially after what I did. Fuck, I’m so stupid and delusional. Always making the wrong decisions, putting everyone else in extraordinarily difficult situations. It’s not fair to them, and I’m beginning to fully understand why my mother dislikes me so much.

I shake my head inside the air bubble I’ve created, willing away the thoughts that are plaguing every. Waking. Fucking. Moment of my life these last days.

But I can’t let it go. I need something to distract me; something that’s more than the pressure of this water, because it’s not helping in all the ways I need it to.

I let my body fully sink into the smooth cave floor, focusing on my senses instead of my mind. I finally get to a place where the muted flowing of the waterfall allows me to breathe evenly without strain.

Something rough grabs my arm and yanks me towards the surface. I scream, losing control of my magic and inhaling the chilly liquid. After flailing against the intruder for a moment, we finally reach the surface and I immediately retch up everything my lungs took in. I’m holding onto the side of the pool, coughing up each drop of water and not thinking about the asshole that decided to nearly drown me. After a minute of wheezing, my face burns and my head snaps up to see Emrys and Casmir staring at me like I just woke from the dead.

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