Page 43 of Of Gods and Pain

“What the fuck was that for?” I demand, not feeling guilty about the harshness of my tone. They look at each other, confused. Cas’s mouth pops open a few times, but he says nothing, and Em can’t seem to grasp the reality of what’s happening right now.

Oh, fuck. They must have thought I was drowning myself and rushed to save me.

I take in a deep amount of air, though not as much as I want since my lungs are still protesting their existence. I count to ten in my head before looking at both of them again, and attempt to keep my voice soft.

“I know what you think you saw, but I was completely fine.”

“How? We were in here for minutes before realizing you were under there.” Emrys’s frustrated tone carries through the surrounding rock. “I just watched you cough up a bucket of water…”

Could he be any more mindless? “Have you forgotten that I can manipulate all the elements?” I spit, sarcasm heavy in my voice. “That includes water and air, in case you were wondering.” As much as I’m thankful my magic has healed me completely and replenished, it’s really annoying me right now.

Em rears back as if I slapped him, and I roll my eyes. I can’t do this right now.

“Listen. I’m fine. I pull pockets of air down there with me so I can breathe. That’s it.”

Stepping around him, I briefly lock eyes with Casmir and immediately look away. I can’t handle their scrutinizing stares. If they’re not going to let me deal with my life how I normally choose to, then I will just need to find a different distraction.

Beads of mist caress my face, and I smirk.

I throw on the same sweats and shirt I’ve been wearing since I first woke, not caring that Cas and Em are likely staring at every protruding bone in disgust. That doesn’t matter right now…I’m about to feel more free than I have in a very, very long time.

My heart races as I step towards the waterfall. Am I really doing this?

Yes. I need it.

I turn to face my bonds, making sure they’re both still on the other side, as I don’t need them coming after me. I hold their gazes and take small steps backwards until the edge of the mountain slices into my feet.

“Nell—what are you doing?” Cas questions me like he’s talking to a rabid dog. I don’t want to be treated like I’m some extremely fragile thing.

I smile at them; genuinely smile as I take one last step back. I enjoy the panicked looks on their faces while I open my arms to join the water on its journey toward the ground.

Butterflies fill my abdomen when I hit the open air; I laugh without reservation, the foreign sound getting eaten by the growing space above me.

I am weightless. This is what it feels like to have no expectations and no one disappointed in you. This is raw freedom wrapped up in the reality of encroaching death.

Time relaxes, and the environment around me slides past in slow motion. This doesn’t feel real. I wonder if this is what it's like to die? Like floating on a bed of nothing, with euphoria stampeding through your veins, where all sounds and feelings are overtaken by a sense of contentment.

This is what I needed.

Unfortunately for me, if I’m going to find more of this feeling, I need to prevent myself from splattering all over the castle grounds. I can’t fly like Xamira, but I can catch myself, or raise myself in the air a small way. This must be an incredible feeling for her…

My heart squeezes knowing that she willingly stayed with me in Chago for over two decades, unable to shift or fly. I’m going to fucking burn him to the ground for what he did to her; she didn’t deserve any of it.

I raise my palms and slow my descent, but only a small amount. Enough to keep me alive when I hit the river. I take one last look towards the cave entrance, where my males are leaning over the edge, watching me lose myself. If Casmir practiced enough, he could surely join me for a jump one day.

Chilly water pierces my back as I reach the river at the bottom of the waterfall. That was much taller than I had thought, but I won’t complain. It was fun.

The current whizzes over me without stopping to say hello or check if I’m okay. That’s the same as the rest of the world, though. Everyone else lives on while I’m literally falling off the edge of a cliff. There’s nowhere to go but down.

The only one I could have shared any of these thoughts with was Bren. But he’s dead. He sacrificed himself to give me a chance; and like a fucking coward, I watched him drop to the ground and ran. He was there with me through all of it, watching what Andras did. Seeing how crazy he actually is. Hearing of his plans to take what he thinks he’s owed.

No one else understands. Even if I told them, even if I explained every detail, they wouldn’t know. My bonds can feel my pain, but it’s still not the same. They were still living their lives while I was being held by the crazed ex-god. And I don’t blame them for it, that’s exactly what I asked them to do…

But I’m a selfish bitch; and there’s a part of me, deep down in the depths of a place I won’t even acknowledge, that wishes they were there with me. That wishes they knew what I went through because they had their own experiences to draw from. So maybe they could understand.

I would never want that for them.

But I want them to know what it was like.

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