Page 39 of Of Gods and Pain

I’m in Casmir’s room, laying on his extraordinarily comfortable bed. The absence of white squeezes my heart; it almost feels wrong. Do I even deserve to be here after what I did?

Another quiet snore yanks my attention to the left, where Emrys sleeps next to me. My dead, blackened soul twitches at the sight of him. Oh my gods. He’s beautiful. He’s perfect, divine, incomprehensible. I have to look away; I don’t want to wake him with my inability to control my emotions.

Turning my head to the right, a whimper escapes me when I see Cas sitting in a chair, with his upper body folded over on the bed. His eyes are closed, breathing even, and he looks so peaceful. His dark hair is disheveled while his clothes are wrinkled. Honestly, it looks as though he hasn’t moved from his spot in quite a while, but he’s still one of the most stunning creatures I’ve ever seen.

A sob escapes me, and I slap a hand over my mouth, scrunching my eyes together and tightening my hold on any control I have left to keep from breaking. They must be so tired, and I’ve been too selfish already. I can’t allow myself to take more from them in my need for comfort.

“Nell?” I jolt at the whisper, opening my eyes so slowly. Casmir is sitting up in his chair, raw disbelief cradling his features.

I can’t stop it this time. A very embarrassing, cracked sound leaves me and I roll to throw myself at him, ignoring the sharp pains that hit me at my movements. Climbing into his lap, my arms squeeze his neck with everything they have; I fall through each frayed layer of resistance I’ve built over these last months when I was attempting to hide everything from Andras. All of it comes barreling out into Cas’s neck and he holds me back like I’m a fragile piece of glass, clearly not sure where he should touch me or how much pressure is okay.

Truthfully, I don’t care at the moment. He could press so roughly that his fingers meet my heart through the back, and I doubt I would notice.

I have dreamed of this moment. Prayed to each individual god, including my parents, that this would be possible again. And now that it’s here, I can’t seem to do anything but drench his clothing and shake so violently that I’m surprised the chair we’re in doesn’t collapse.

He traces his fingers lightly down my spine, allowing me to feel everything winding through me. A tornado grips my inner flesh, and it takes me several minutes to slow my breathing and work on calming myself. When I can form a few thoughts, I groan, knowing how bad I must smell and look. He has to be so grossed out, holding me like this.

I sit back and move to slide off Casmir, but his hands interlock behind me, keeping me straddling him.

“I don’t care, princess. I don’t give a fuck what you look or smell like.” His lip trembles as my bloodied hands cup his pale face. I almost forgot how mesmerizing his eyes were; I would gladly spend the rest of my life lost in their swirling green and gold hues. “You’re mine—ours—and you’re here. Alive. There is nothing that could keep me from you right now.” I must be projecting every thought right to him. I’ll need to keep that in mind until I get a handle on blocking it once more.

I rest my forehead against his and twirl my awareness through every place we touch, basking in the profound feeling of being in his arms again.

“I’m sorry.” My voice cracks. “I’m so fucking sorry.” I kiss his forehead, and he moves to rest his ear against my heart. We stay there for a while, enjoying the feel of each other’s breathing.

A muffled rustling sounds behind me and disorienting shock soaks through the hollow place in my chest. I turn to find Emrys leaning up on his elbow, with his other hand cupped over his mouth. His mesmerizing, honey eyes fill with liquid and Casmir helps me off of him and back onto the bed, where I tackle my other bond. A huff leaves him at the force of me pushing him to his back and wrapping my limbs around his heated skin.

I thought I cried out all the liquid in my body, but more somehow falls over my eyelids. I sob quietly onto his bare skin, trying to feel bad for the mess I’m making, but I just can’t. One hand grasps the back of my neck tightly while the other presses against my lower back, keeping me with him.

He holds me for a long time, softly chanting my name like a prayer.

I feel so broken. Where do we go from here? Where do I go from here? I know what I need to do, but what I am physically and mentally capable of doing seems to be on the other end of that spectrum.

I suppose it doesn’t all need to be taken care of right at this moment. I can allow myself to break for this. For them. All three of my bonds are here, alive and safe. That’s enough reason for me to lose myself for a short while.

Eventually, I push myself up and look down at Em; thickness builds low in my throat, glazing the words I so desperately want to say. But I only manage two.

“I’m sorry.”

His eyes search mine for a moment. “I know, love,” he whispers, squeezing my shivering hands with his.

I spot Xamira to my left and scoot off Emrys’s lap to kneel in front of her. We stare at each other, neither of us fully knowing what to say. But this is my fault, so I need to own my mistakes.

“Thank you.” The words come out as a whine instead of the strong, confident voice I’m trying to have. “Thank you, Xamira. I can’t tell you how fucking sorry I am for what I dragged you into, and then what I made you do after. I—” I pause, not knowing how to admit this in front of the males; I weakly take the easy way and continue speaking through our bond.

There were many times I wished for death, and would have gladly claimed it myself, even knowing it would kill you, too. I’ve been nothing but selfish and foolish. I don’t expect your forgiveness. I love you, and I’m sorry.

Her head tilts as she shifts into a serval, one of her favorite forms when she’s wanting longer limbs. A genuine smile crests my face; it’s been a long, long time since I’ve seen her as anything but my fluffy, black cat.

Every sorid is born with the ability to shift into their type of animal family; some are canids, cetaceans, or even aves. But my sweet girl is part of the felidae family, and can shift to any species of “cat.”

In this form, it’s much easier for her to hug me as she is right now. I hold her weakly against my body and rock from side to side.

There is nothing to forgive. You will always have my unyielding loyalty, even if I do not agree with each decision.

I nod, not trusting myself to reply calmly.

My males help me into the shower and leave at my request after everything is situated. I take my time washing each part of my overused body, trying so hard to scrub every retched memory of him from my skin. But even as I cleanse to the point of bleeding, his touch still lingers there. It hovers over every movement, caressing my sanity and threatening to engulf my entire being.

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