Page 21 of Of Gods and Pain

He sounds defeated; but that’s better than dead.

Emrys?

He hasn’t spoken yet, but I can feel his awareness. Is he angry with me still? So angry he wouldn’t just let me know he’s okay? I suppose I understand; I put us all in this position. It’s not his fault I’m a fucking idiot. I feel horrible that their lives are unwillingly attached to mine.

I love you, Nell.

His deep, trembling voice slides through my marrow, cracking every piece of structure in my body.

I didn’t tell you before…well, before. I love you. I will slaughter every motherfucking being in this realm to get you back. My guard would find themselves meeting the gods. I don’t give a single fuck if Andras comes after us. Just say the word, and we will find you.

I huff a quiet breath.

I’m rolling my eyes at you. Do not kill anyone and do not come to me. Promise me, Em.

Sharp anger cuts through the bonds, and I know it’s his. He feels things so deeply…this has to be killing him. Casmir, too, though I know he wouldn’t show his struggle to me. Always thinking he needs to handle his emotions alone.

Fine.

That’s all he says, but I’m glad because I hear footsteps approaching the door.

I must go; I love all of you so much. Be there for each other and stay strong. For me.

I cut the connection as the door opens, knowing Andras would easily spot that I’m doing something strange. I can’t let him find out about my bonds; he would ruin this entire realm to get them. Just so that he could find something new to torture me with. Tears well in my eyes and I take deep, measured breaths to calm the horrible ache that has embedded inside of me.

I steel myself, resolved in the one thing left that I can do in this life: protect them. This wretched prince cannot know. A burning sensation drifts through me, settling over my heart. It confirms what I’ve been scared to fully admit to myself for months…I would do anything for them. I would give my life to keep them a secret.

Andras wants information from me; he wants to know about how the rest of the gods run things now, as it’s been hundreds of years that he’s been dead. He wants to know their weaknesses, anyone that would turn on them, or if there’s another way to reach them in Europa without going through the bridge.

He also wants me to submit to him…which I would do so that he stops torturing me, but submitting would include giving him all that information I’ve been suffering for years to hide. He may have my essence magic, but that doesn’t mean he can look back on my thoughts and memories. If he was trained, he may be able to read my current thoughts, though he clearly doesn’t know that ability exists. I’d like to keep it that way.

“Welcome back, sweet Anellah. You were fairly close to seeing Cyran again!” I hold back my grimace at his mention of the Goddess of Death. He’s always trying to manipulate me into saying something, anything, about Europa. It will not work, and he sees that because he rolls his eyes and forces me to move further up the bed.

Fuck, this is the part I can’t stand.

I can take the pain, the degradation, and humiliation; I can take the loneliness and hopelessness. But what I can’t take is him fucking me intimately, where he convinces himself I’m enjoying it as much as he is. He will never accept that my body’s reactions are not my mind’s. It’s all the same to him.

I silently beg the numbness to find me again, but she stepped away after my near death incident.

Andras strips his clothes off, and I take a moment to peek at Bren, who is once again forced to watch the prince fuck me. I need to get him out of here, too. Him, Fen, and everyone else who’ve been forced to stay here for decades against their will, just like me.

He climbs onto the bed, hovering over me with his face just inches from mine. I keep my gaze away from his, instead staring at his body. At least I can pretend he’s someone else if I don’t look into his eyes…sometimes that helps. I sigh at the memory of what happened the last time I tried doing that. Maybe I shouldn’t.

“Are you ready for me, my sweet?” He cups my cheek and leans down to kiss me. When his clammy, repulsive lips touch mine, I feel all of his control leave my body. He murmurs in between soft kisses. “I want you to feel everything you’re missing.” I still don’t look at him, which will just make this worse, but whatever.

He peers over his shoulder and commands loudly, “Out.” I hear footsteps, though I can’t see Bren leave the room as Andras is fully surrounding every bit of open space in front of my body.

He kisses my neck, slowly working his way down to my breasts and taking a nipple into his mouth. He bites on it roughly and I hiss, feeling his smirk at my reaction.

“You taste so sweet,” he purrs over my other breast, repeating the action with that nipple. He groans after working his way down my torso and pressing my legs open, finding the wetness I’m ashamed is there.

Just close your eyes, Nell.

I do. I close them as his mouth descends on me; the difference this time, from every other fucking time he uses me, is that I have control of my body. I’m so fucking conflicted because he’s disgusting and vile. Literally the worst being to ever exist on either realm, and I want to kill him more than I’ve ever wanted anything. But he’s wickedly good with his tongue and body; he knows exactly what drives mine crazy, and my first instinct is to grab his hair and grind into his face. But I have to hold myself back, reminding my aching core that the male currently there just shoved a blade through her.

She’s not listening.

He pushes three fingers inside and a whimper escapes as my body comes for him. I try to keep quiet, but he heard it. A large smile takes over his features as he crawls back up, settling his hips between my thighs and positioning himself at my entrance.

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