Page 2 of Of Gods and Pain

I stay floating in the pool, not caring that my cock is on display for him; we’ve been around each other naked many, many times. It’s nothing new. I stare at the cave ceiling, waiting for the lecture I can feel brewing in his mind. A splash sounds behind me, and I look to see Cas sitting on the stairs with his feet in the water.

He’s tired. The dark coloring under his eyes, his paler than normal skin, the way his shoulders slump like he doesn’t have the energy to hold them up anymore…maybe he’s not doing as well as I thought. Worry for him threatens to overtake me, but I push it down because I’m a stubborn asshole.

“Em…” He sighs, his deep hazel eyes look up at me through dark lashes. He moves to lean forward, resting weight on his elbows, causing his already wrinkled clothes to crease even more. I spin around to face him, needing the connection right now, but I won’t ever admit it. He holds my gaze, concern prevalent on his face.

“I’m worried about you, Em.”

My features harden. “Well, don’t be. Go be worried about something more important.” Fuck, I’m an asshole, “Like, I don’t know, Nell, instead of me or being a prince.”

His face doesn’t change. He’s used to my unkind words and outbursts of anger. I feel guilty for a moment, but throw it away in the deep abyss of my mind, because it’s just another emotion I can’t handle right now. He studies me before nodding to himself.

“I understand you’re hurting—”

“You understand nothing, Casmir!” I huff a breath. “Our fucking soul bond is out there, living in pure agony, and what are we doing? What are you doing, Cas? You’re walking around the castle like she doesn’t exist; you act like she doesn’t even matter! We should be doing something…we should be helping her!”

I take a few deep breaths as my voice sputters, speaking more calmly this time, venom lacing my tone. “But no, instead we sit here. Day. After. Fucking. Day. We have the largest army in the realm. We are some of the strongest fae alive. And yet we’re doing nothing.” My jaw clenches as I whisper, “We don’t deserve her.”

I close my eyes, attempting to ground myself from the torrent of sensations raging through me. I can’t handle this right now.

Arms wrap around me, holding me tightly. Casmir has helped with my panic attacks for decades; he knows this kind of pressure is essential to calm my nerves. It’s why I tried it with Nell when I saw she goes through what I do. It seemed to help her some, but I don’t think it was her perfect solution like it is mine.

I’m trembling in Cas’s embrace, my breathing heavy, my chest tight. There’s a tornado making its way through every crevice of my brain; I can’t think. I hold him back and take in his calming jasmine scent. Gods, I fucking hate myself. I’m lashing out at the only one who has been there for me since we were children. He doesn’t deserve that…and yet he takes it. I’m spiraling again, and I need to pull myself together before I hurt him like last time. That can’t happen again; I’d lose him.

But I’m not okay. I don’t know how to keep going like this. Nell’s kidnapping drags me right back to those memories I’ve tried so hard to eliminate over the years. They won’t fucking leave, and now they’re drowning me again; pushing my head back down into the cloudy, dark depths of the trauma I’ve repressed.

And to know that Nell is going through the same things? Actually, she’s going through worse than I ever did. Again. Because she’s been through it before. She’s been suffering for years at the will of that disgusting rat that calls himself a male. A prince. My nose scrunches at the thought.

How is she doing it? All I’m dealing with is memories and the knowledge that she’s hurting, and I can’t even handle that. How in the realms is she living through this? I try the bond again—as I do dozens of times a day now—but nothing has changed. My inner flesh bruises from banging on her wall. My nails peel off, smearing blood everywhere as I use every bit of strength I have to scrape through.

Maybe if I create a little crack, a small hole in the foundation…maybe I could help her. I know little about soul bonds, but I’ve considered the possibility of sending her strength. Sending her my magic. Would it work? No one that has ever lived knows. I’ve searched through most of the library at this point and even went asking older fae in the city. The connection between a god and their soul bonds has never, in history, been triggered before. Anything 'known' about the bond is speculation. So I’m holding onto that fragment of hope; if there’s even the smallest chance in the realms that it could work, I would shred my very soul to pieces in order to reach her. Not even her own magic could keep me away.

I have to find a way.

My breathing matches Cas’s, slow and even. He loosens his hold to look me in the eye, searching for something I can't give.

“I’m sorry.” The pain in his words is potent. “You’re right. I don’t understand exactly how you’re feeling. But you’re wrong about me not caring. I’m doing everything I can to figure this out, Em. I swear to you I am.

“But I’m also a prince. You know I’ve had Leia take over most of my duties, but there are some things I cannot avoid. I’m trying,” he breathes, and I can tell this is weighing on him heavily. “I miss her so fucking much; and I want nothing more than to burn that city to the fucking ground and drag Andras here by his entrails, so that we can show him exactly who he stole from.”

I nod, too exhausted for much else, and Cas brings me over to the steps. I didn’t realize he had entered the water with all of his clothes on. That must be uncomfortable, but if it is, he’s not showing it. His focus is on me.

His face scrunches before he speaks again. “I came here to check on you, but I also wanted to ask—” he bites his cheek, clearly not wanting to voice the words he needs to say. “I wanted to ask if you’ve been feeling pain…in your chest?”

My eyes snap up to his. How could he know I’ve been having pain there? Unless…

“You have it, too?” I whisper, and the despondent breath he lets out confirms the fear I had.

“I think it’s her,” his barely audible words fill the silence. “Whatever she’s going through is so bad that it’s making it through the closed off bond, and we’re feeling a piece of it.” Nausea builds inside of me, and it’s all I can do to not vomit up every organ. I was so wrapped up in my own depressing thoughts that I didn’t even realize her presence was inside of me, giving me some of her pain. Does that mean there’s so much of it that her body struggles to hold on? That it needs to send parts of it out to keep her alive?

Adrenaline flares inside me. If I can take her pain, then I should be able to send things back to her. I need to keep working on this; and now that I know what that energy under my sternum is, I’m determined to break through every wall Andras put inside of her.

I have to stop letting these dark thoughts and reminders consume me. They will eat me alive if I let them, and savor every inch of my calloused flesh. I know how hard it is to get rid of them, but I have to try.

Casmir stands to step out of the water fully and uses his air to dry himself off. I’ve always been jealous of that particular ability; my fire can help a little, but it doesn’t dry the way his does. I watch him shake out his hair, the nearly black strands falling messily on his head. His markings run across the bronze skin of his arms and chest; something his attire for the day is not hiding. I stare as he makes sure his entire body is dried before his gaze lifts to mine. I quickly avert my eyes, finding my skin suddenly fascinating.

I’ve never wholly preferred fucking just females or males, though I tend to stray towards the former. But being caught admiring your best friend’s body, even if it is nice, is not a path I will allow myself to go down. If he noticed my wandering eyes, he doesn’t comment on it. Instead, he turns to leave, and I look back up to watch him go. He stops for a moment, seeming torn over wanting to say something before we separate, but decides not to and leaves me alone in this dark pocket of the Sunsor Mountains.

As I move to gather my clothes, I notice steam rising in the air again. I shake my head to clear my thoughts, ready to do whatever is needed to reach Nell through our bond.

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