Page 43 of Stargazer

But I still had my doubts.

Taking my silence as his cue to leave, he twisted the doorknob. “Enjoy your bath, baby girl.”

With a wink, he snuck out and closed the door behind him.

I sunk down deeper into the water and let out a heavy sigh.

CHAPTER 15

VENUS

Guilt. It was something that plagued us. Haunted us. And I could see the insidious talons of that guilt haunting River. See it in the depths of those warm honey eyes, so at odds with the cold, crushing burden of the emotion lingering on the edge.

And I desperately wanted to rid him of it. That emotion had no right to haunt those caring eyes.

Griffin had a morning full of captain business—at least, that’s what I liked to call it—so he stayed at Casa Stone to do said business and would likely go through some stuff with mum after. But his main priority when I had left this morning was a mandatory conference call with his own mother, who was not thrilled at his coming early without running it by her.

It had been difficult to make time for River with Griff so out of his element—not that he really showed it, feigning nonchalance was his favourite pastime. But apart from mum, Celeste and myself, he was pretty much alone here, and I knew that had to be difficult; no matter how much practice he’d had with solidarity. Not having his friends around would be taking a toll on him.

He was getting acquainted with the pack, but that didn’t mean I was comfortable leaving him with them for long periods of time. Mostly because I feared what he’d say or do, and only partly because I was worried for him. That mouth of his liked to get him in trouble and I quaked in my boots to think of the damage he could potentially do if left to his own devices with the wolves.

So I made the most of his distractions today, telling River to meet me at the spot he’d taken me to the day Griff had arrived. The surprise in his voice when I’d suggested hanging out was heart-warming. And the visible happiness on his face and general good mood that emanated from him when he’d seen me in the car park was palpable. He was practically vibrating with it. And it almost wiped away the guilt that had crept up on me for leaving Griff behind the first chance I got. Almost.

There was no winning. I felt guilt for hanging out with River and for not making enough time for him. I felt it for enjoying the time that I spent with Griffin and for leaving him behind.

I’d promised I would take the time I needed to make the choice. To them and to me. I’d promised I’d give them a fair chance. That meant hanging out with both of them.

Despite it all, I wondered if I didn’t deserve either of them. Or if it would be easier to say no to both—to send them both away. Send myself away and join Xari in LA like everyone had thought I’d done earlier this year. Might as well feed into the gossip the town had spread and make it a reality.

But I’d run away once and it led me to this point in my life. And while I wouldn’t take it back, while it made me who I was now, I still wished I could have done things differently.

I had to deal with the consequences of my actions. That meant making things right with both of them first and foremost. It also meant having clear and open communication lines from now on. And then, if somehow life permitted it, making my choice and setting the other free.

Or both. If it felt right.

But that was a decision for later. This moment was for River.

We found ourselves laying on the orange blanket he’d brought again. No lush picnic this time, on my request. Just us and the blanket and the sun, surrounded by the towering pines and billowing willows. We’d set up under the spider-like tree and the golden male before me—illuminated by the sun spilling through the branches—leaned against the trunk, causally soaking up the rays. Relaxed and calm.

As soon as I’d seen him today, I’d apologised again that our conversation got cut short and that we hadn’t had time to finish it. He’d dismissed the apology, saying it was unnecessary and that he was glad we had time now, even though I knew it wasn’t nothing to him. To both of us. It was the giant fucking elephant in the room.

Taking in the view now, I was so appreciative that he’d wanted to share this place with me. Which only intensified the remorse I felt for the way we had to leave it the last time.

I still couldn’t quite believe the timing of that day.

Adjusting my position so I was sitting beside him against the trunk of the gigantic tree, I broke the silence that had settled over us from the moment we’d entered the clearing. We’d made casual conversation on our trek here, but both of us became speechless when the trees cleared and the glittering, sun-kissed water caught our attention. The view was one that would probably never cease to leave its viewers breathless.

This conversation was going to be anything but casual.

“I really am sorry that I didn’t tell you about Griffin as soon as I arrived. I didn’t know how to begin to explain it and there was just so much we needed to talk about. So many bridges to be mended and, well, being back with you just took over. Not that it’s an excuse.”

He turned towards me, his skin a golden bronze in the light. “I promise that it’s okay, Vee. It’s completely understandable that you moved on in that time. I shouldn’t have assumed we’d pick up from where we left off. It’s just that seeing you again, I couldn’t help it. I thought I lost you for good and then you were back, and you were here, and it was perfect. I’m sorry for ruining it by kissing you.”

My brows crumpled, pain at his apology and admission overwhelming me. “Don’t apologise for that,” I whispered. “You didn’t know. And I didn’t make it clear. Honestly, I didn’t know myself.” I looked away, not able to look into those honey eyes as I said, “I still don’t know.”

When I turned back to him, those golden orbs were wide with surprise and hope. “So, you two aren’t together again then?”

“No,” I said softly, holding his gaze, “I told him I needed time to sort everything out. Just like I told you.”

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