Page 92 of Stargazer

“For once, I’m with Kit. That is some unusually sound advice.” Billie side-eyed our friend like she wasn’t sure if it was actually Kitana occupying her body and I could not hold back my laughter—despite the words I dreaded to hear. The conclusion I’d already come to on my own but tried desperately to ignore, hoping it would go away.

“I did good?” Kit’s whole body piqued up at the admission from Billie. Then she flicked her silvery hair back, regaining some of her usual confidence. “What am I talking about? Of course I did good.” Her face was the epitome of self-assurance.

“Alright,” I announced, “I’ll stop avoiding it.” My acceptance was laced with the undeniable feeling of defeat.

Billie got a text and her brows crumpled as she read it. “It’s Santi. It’s almost time for our patrol, Kit.”

Kitana looked at me again and grabbed my hand. “We can stay? The others can fuck right off and take one for the team. I’m sure Santi would do that for his beloved Billie-boo.” Her glacial blue eyes told me all I had to do was say the word and they’d blow off their patrol.

But I didn’t want to do that to the other Knights in the squad who’d have to step in if the girl’s shirked their duties. Keeping the town safe was more important than the hopeless state of my love life.

“No,” I sighed. “If I’m ever going to make this decision, I need to let myself address it. For once, this situation actually calls for some self-mulling and it’s best if I do that alone. You girls go. I’ll be fine.” I forced myself to sound anything but subdued. The smile I gave them was probably saccharine and a little forced, but it wasn’t directed at them. I just couldn't help it, the thought of dealing with this head-on was anything but pleasing to me.

Maybe I’d finally achieve some clarity though.

“You’re not fooling anyone with that fake-ass smile,” Kit reprimanded. My returning one this time was completely genuine and amused. “But,” she continued, “whatever you need.”

Billie pulled me into her side, giving me a squeeze. “I know it’s hard, but it’s for the best. For all of you involved. We’re here if you need us and will happily bail on patrol at any point in the night should you require our assistance.”

“I know. I love you girls.” I reached for Kit, forcing her down to join in our little group hug, which she did with enthusiasm, practically pouncing on us.

“We love you too,” Kit proclaimed, and Billie nodded her agreement.

Sliding off the hood of the Jeep, I headed back to my own car.

Kit called back over the frame of the door with a wave, “Goodluck with all the over-thinking, hun.”

“Thanks. I’ll need all the luck I can get,” I called back before I climbed on top of my own hood and slumped down until I was laying as flat as possible, given the surface. When I could no longer hear tires on gravel, I let out an exasperated sigh to no one but the expanse of darkness before me.

I had put off making this decision for too long. I thought I was putting distance between me and them to punish myself for wanting to hold onto them both. For stringing them along. But instead, all I was doing was punishing them.

That was never my intention. And I couldn't do it any longer.

I looked to the stars, almost waiting for them to send me an answer. To help me make the decision—as if that was possible. But it was something I’d always done. Looked to the stars.

And it was no different now. Not when this life-changing choice lingered around me, waiting for me to choose.

So I looked to the stars again.

My thoughts always went back to Griff.

We just … fit.

Whenever I was with River, my conscience immediately took me back to the hunter. I just always tried to push it away.

With Griff, River was an afterthought. As much as I hated to admit it.

I needed to remember how I felt when I was with the hunter. That he made me feel like the best version of myself. I’d thought that the whole time I was at the compound. Thought it after the first time we slept together. But I hadn’t let myself think about it all this time since, too afraid to contemplate a life without River, now that he was back in mine.

It was easy to fall back into Riv’s magnetising presence while being around him. Recency bias was a thing. So was confirmation bias.

I was remembering all the good times with the Alpha, and not the insecurities I’d always felt about not being a wolf. Ones I had always pushed aside. Because apart from that, my life was pretty perfect here. And the pack still loved and accepted me as a human. They always had. But I wasn’t even that anymore—human.

I would never truly fit with the wolves. Not wholly. And it was by no action of River’s. None at all. It was the true foundation of our natures. That he was a wolf, and I wasn’t.

Even if my father was and that connection to them existed. It wasn’t the same.

And let’s be real, I wasn’t just ‘not a wolf’. I was a hunter. A Knight deep down. That was the part of me that had called to my blood.

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