Page 9 of Dealing With Christmas

“Yay!” He’s jumping even more enthusiastically now. Right before I grab him mid-leap, he stumbles over my legs and falls forward.

“Aaaaahh!” Riley shouts, hunching into a fetal position.

I grab our son and place him on the floor. “Honey, you need to be careful. You hurt Daddy’s privates. Again.”

Nate hangs his head. “I sorry, Daddy.”

Riley’s face softens. “It’s okay, buddy. Just be careful next time, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy.”

I ruffle Nathan’s hair. “Go brush your teeth and we’ll be right out.”

“’Kay, Momma!”

Riley is still grabbing his crotch, his face twisted in agony. “I swear to God his knee is like a heat missile to my nuts. I need to start wearing a cup.”

I laugh. “Aw, it’s okay, baby. I’ll make it up to you later.”

His eyebrows lift. “Oh yeah? Do tell me all the details.”

“Later, stud.” I pull on some yoga pants and a hoodie. “Hurry up and get some clothes on. I’m pretty sure I hear Nate sorting through the gifts already.”

I head downstairs and start the coffee maker, with a slight detour to pull my kid out from under the tree. As I’m taking my first sip of liquid gold, my phone buzzes on the counter with an incoming text from my brother.

Drew: I’ll be there in a minute. I parked down the street. I have a surprise for my favorite nephew.

Me: He’s your only nephew. What surprise?

Drew: Answer the door and you’ll find out.

Riley joins us in the living room as I head to the front door, wondering what my brother is up to. I don’t need to ponder it for long though when I see the bright red coat and long white beard through the side window. He’s dressed up in a full Santa suit—the Arnold Schwarzenegger version anyway, since he’s a muscle-bound goliath.

“Ho! Ho! Ho!” Drew’s voice booms across the open space as soon as I open the door. “Merry Christmas!”

I smirk as I step aside to let him in. “Why, hello there, Santa! Please come in.”

“Santa!” Nathan shrieks as he comes barreling towards Drew.

“Well, hello there, little boy! Have you been a g—” Drew’s cut off when Nathan’s hard head runs straight into his crotch. He grunts and doubles over in pain screaming, “My chestnuts! He nailed me right in the fucking chestnuts!”

Nathan gasps. “Ooh, Santa, you said a naughty word! You have to put a dollar in the jar!”

I try stifling my laughter but I’m not doing a great job. “Yeah, Santa. You know the rules. You swear, you put money in the jar.”

“I think you should get a free pass when someone headbutts your nads,” Drew groans.

Riley winces. “Geez, Nathan, are you trying to sterilize everyone for Christmas?”

Nathan’s attention shifts when he sees the sack of presents that fell to the ground. “Ooh, are these for me, Santa?”

Drew takes a deep breath and crouches down to eye level. “They sure are, little boy! There’s some for you and your parents.”

Nate tugs on my pant leg. “Mommy! Santa brought us all pwesents!”

Riley picks up the bag and takes Nathan’s hand. “C’mon, buddy. Let’s give the jolly red giant some breathing room and put these under the tree.”

When they’re far enough away, I whisper, “You okay there?”

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