Page 97 of Floored

"Oh, yeah," she said. Then held the hanger on her pointer finger. "This one."

"Yeah?"

Claire nodded. "Definitely."

I touched the hem of the dress with a tiny smile. When I did, Little Cabbage did a massive somersault that knocked my breath away.

"Whoa," I gasped, rubbing over an elbow or knee or something. Claire pressed her hand down on the spot with a grin.

"See? Cabbage Patch agrees with me." She leaned down. "Don't forget, I'm your favorite aunt, okay?"

Jude

"Bloody fucking bollocks, this is stupid."

The soothing voice came through my car’s Bluetooth system. "It's okay to be nervous about this, it's a big deal."

"Don't coddle me right now, all right? I need you to tell me I'm not about to walk into a trap."

My therapist—whose number I'd gotten from Declan—did not make me lay on a couch, but he did make me talk about my feelings, and often in the past four weeks, I'd hated him for it.

"From what you've told me, I don't believe you're walking into a trap." I could hear the smile in his voice, the wanker, and I wanted to punch him for convincing me this was a good idea.

I yanked my car to the side of the country road, staring out the windshield at the rolling green hills and hedges. "I'm not ready."

"Talk to me about what changed then, Jude." He was always so bloody patient. "Yesterday when we met, you'd had a good talk with your brother and a good phone call with your parents. Based on what you talked about with both of them, you told me you were ready to go out to the farm."

I gripped the steering wheel until I could've sworn my knuckles were going to pop out of my skin. "Yeah, it was easy to say I was ready while sitting in your bloody beige office with your soothing music and fucking oils in the air making me relaxed."

"What's scaring you right now?"

I pinched my eyes shut. I hated that question. For the past four weeks, twice a week, he'd asked me all these blasted questions that I hated answering. Sometimes more than others.

"Right now? How much I want to punch something."

He chuckled. "Fair enough. But you aren't punching anything, which is excellent. What else?"

Blowing out a hard breath, I finally opened my eyes. "I'm afraid that I'll go to the farm, and it'll be just like the last time I saw them at the pub. My dad will say something awful like he did, and I'll lash out like I did, and we'll be right back where we fucking started." I slammed my palm against the steering wheel. My heart was ramming against my chest like I'd just run for a bloody hour. "And if that happens, then all of this was a waste, and Lia was right that I don't know how to talk about shit, and I'll never change, and the woman I love and my child will be halfway across the world, happy without me, and I'll be empty and alone with no one to talk to about anything because I've shown over and over that I don't need it when I really do."

The car was deathly quiet at my admission. I could hardly believe I'd admitted anything that big.

Quietly, thoughtfully, he hummed. "Bravo, Jude. Excellent."

I ran a hand down my face. "Bloody hell," I muttered. "I feel like you just yanked my guts out."

He laughed. "I didn't do anything but ask a few questions. The truth is that you already have changed. You're seeking help in seeing the damage that your parents have inflicted, that you've inflicted in turn. You've recognized that Lia's absence, her ability to walk away for the health and well-being of your child and your ability to parent that child in a healthy way, is a boundary she needed to erect in order for you to seek that change."

My head dropped back on the driver's seat, something unlocking in my chest. A pressure eased that I hadn't even been aware of, even though I'd probably been carrying it around for half my life.

"I know. But it's still not a choice I would've made."

"No, but think about what you can choose within this situation."

I rubbed my forehead.

"Jude," he continued, "you can't force your parents to change any more than Lia can force you to change. You can choose to work on these things. So can they. It's all connected. But if your parents are willing to try, then there's hope. Maybe that's the reason Lia and this child are in your life."

His words, even though they were freeing, unraveled a domino effect inside me. I missed her so bloody much and seeing her was just out of reach. My flight for Seattle left the next morning, and this stop was something I had to do before I attempted anything else with Lia.

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