Page 93 of Haunted

I feel backed into a corner. My stoic indifference will be ruined with my confession, and I’m angry that she’s pushed me. Angry that she’ll learn the truth, but I can’t stand the look on her face. She won’t trust me if I don’t open up.

“Fine! It’s just… I can’t believe you’re forcing the truth out of me!” My words fall with panicked breaths. “This is a conversation for lovers, for those who’ve spoken for each other. For those who’ve bonded.”

My face burns. I wish the fire would die down before I combust.

She responds to my outburst with haste. “I don’t care. I don’t cower from intimate details.”

“Yes, you aren’t delicate.”

She stares me down until her eyes are as fiery as the flames at the hearth.

I tear my eyes from her and work through my words unhurriedly. “You’ll abhor me when I tell you.”

“Out with it! You are killing me.”

I only nod and then swallow. I push embarrassment down. “When I express love, it’s more forceful, more impassioned than I intend.” I take a breath. “Bordering on violent.”

The fire in her eyes dies. “What do you mean?”

“Violent passion.” I stare at the thick carpet. “You couldn’t understand. No, you haven’t been with a man.” I swipe my brow. Acknowledging her innocence makes me feel all the more the snake. “Please, don’t make me tell you more. You shouldn’t hear this.”

She sinks onto the end of the bed. Her fingers clutch the fabric of the comforter. “In Gorlassar an emrys is intimate with only the one they’ve bonded to. Who’ve you been with? Who are you bonded to?”

Do not ask me that. “I’ve bonded to no one.”

“But you must have!”

It wasn’t a bond with the light. The bond was an abomination. An unholy union. One that could very well be secure. “I’ve shared a mutual seduction with one woman.”

“Seduction?” She whispers the word with abhorrence.

She can’t understand. She can’t fathom. Does she even know what physical love is? The implications are prying into her mind. She crushes her hand to her chest, and I see her heart shatter.

I’m not pure like you, Niawen. You should have known that. Her budding admiration for me snaps and falls to the ground as if a killing frost settled on her emotions.

I stagger and grab the bedpost. Her hurt is my hurt. “Don’t wound me in such a way. Let me explain.”

She nods, but the action is done numbly.

“I did love her, in a manner of speaking. She was the only one, but our relationship wasn’t a love as you’ve witnessed between others in Gorlassar. I imagine when you discern their feelings, they’re pure, sweet, beautiful. Our love, the love I had for this woman, was raw. Not tender. Untamed. Desperate. Sadistic.”

Niawen’s face pinches. I disgust her.

“Imagine a craving so intense, so insatiable, you’d do anything to satisfy it.” There. I’ve said it.

“No,” she whispers. “No.”

“That’s the truth.”

“You’re trying to be careful with me,” she says after a pause.

I attempt to form words.

She doesn’t wait. “Are you saying you’d force yourself upon me if given the chance? If you couldn’t control yourself? This is why you won’t touch me.”

“No. No! I’d never hurt you!” I press my fist to my mouth. I’m afraid I would.

“But you’ve thought about making love to me.”

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