Page 30 of Trick of Light

In the glittering light of the April afternoon, Bethany tore open the envelope and read, “We are pleased to announce your acceptance to NYU Hospital’s internship program for high school students. Ah!” She screamed and leaped into Rod’s arms, shivering with excitement. Suddenly, she could imagine herself hustling through Manhattan streets, urgent and academic and charged. She could imagine herself becoming better, sleeker, smarter. Her dreams were possible. It was all in front of her.

Rod dragged Bethany inside so they could read the rest of the informational packet. He bubbled with pride for her. “My girlfriend is a genius! This is wild!”

When Valerie came home a few minutes later, Rod poured them all sparkling water, and they had a fake toast. Bethany laughed. “Isn’t it bad luck to toast with water?”

Rod said, “Not when it’s bubbly.”

Valerie had never been to New York, but even she knew how important it sounded. That was where people went to become important. Bethany was clearly bound for something great.

Due to Esme’s current income, Bethany was offered a full scholarship to the internship program, a dorm room with a bed and a desk, and a stipend that would allow her to live (sort of), buy groceries, and keep herself alive.

“That stipend might be able to get you a burger or two,” Rod said doubtfully.

“I can live on ramen noodles,” Bethany said, waving her hand. “I’m not worried about that.”

She was prepared to give her body completely to the cause.

There were still six more weeks of school. Bethany spent them in a delirious tizzy, making lists of what to pack and cramming her head with as much medical knowledge as she could. Of course, she knew she wouldn’t be actually working on patients herself. She was only seventeen. But she wanted to be fully prepared for every possible scenario. She wanted the doctors to recognize her talents.

But as April flourished into May, Bethany took time to see Rod, to bask in the warming light alongside him, and to worry about their future. They’d planned to spend the summer together, sailing and barbecuing, and sometimes stealing wine from Rod’s mother’s cupboard. The internship destroyed those plans.

Bethany tentatively explained her thoughts about that to Rod one afternoon after school. Rod wrapped his arms around her and breathed, “I’m going to visit you all the time, Bethany. You can’t get away from me. You know that.”

Bethany laughed nervously as tears filled her eyes. “I’m sorry! I don’t know why I’m crying,” she said, touching her cheek.

It was rare for Bethany to cry. She’d wept almost continually after Joel had died and her father had left. She’d assumed she was all dried out.

“I just love you so much,” Bethany breathed, rising on her tiptoes to kiss him. Her heart filled. “Come with me. Won’t you?”

Rod let his shoulders drop. “I can’t, Bethany. You know that. I have a job and friends here. And you’re going to be at the hospital every hour of every day. What would I do in Manhattan all by myself?”

Bethany wrinkled her nose. “You could just wait for me in my dorm room?” She laughed as sweat bubbled across the back of her neck.

Rod kissed her nose tenderly. They both knew they would make it work.

Bethany was set to move into her Manhattan dorm on June 2nd. Because Esme had responsibilities at the Sutton Book Club, Rod took the day off work to drive her to the city. Throughout the drive, Bethany was captivated by him, turning her knees to face him and talking to him about everything she could think of. It was remarkable that she’d known him since age four and had never run out of things to say.

They listened to cassettes as they drove, swapping from Alanis Morissette to TLC to Nirvana. During “Numb,” Rod turned up the volume and screamed the lyrics, and Bethany cracked open the window of the passenger side and felt the June breeze over her cheeks and through her hair. It felt like the most delicious freedom.

Bethany felt they were being folded into a box when they entered the city. Enormous buildings overshadowed them, dwarfing them, and the air was filled with steam and smoke and difficult to breathe. Rod found a parking spot not far from the dorm, and they carried her two suitcases three blocks down and all the way to the twelfth floor. The elevator was, of course, broken, and there was no sign to indicate when it would be repaired. This was city life, Bethany thought.

Bethany’s dorm was reminiscent of photographs of prison Bethany had seen before. The bed was a twin, and the desk was hardly big enough for a small notebook. The window looked out over the alley with a view of a brick wall. Bethany and Rod made up the bed and silently sat at its edge. It felt as though the building swayed gently in the breeze.

“I’ve never lived this far up before,” Bethany said. “It doesn’t feel natural.”

That afternoon, Bethany was set to meet the other students and a few doctors and teachers involved in the program. Although Rod was slated to return to Nantucket that night, he made a phone call from a pay phone to ask for another day off. He wanted to stay and make sure Bethany was safe throughout the night.

Rod walked Bethany to the NYU Hospital, holding her hand and glancing around nervously. Bethany kissed him on the steps and hustled up to find a large banner with NYU Hospital High School Interns written on it. Beneath it were a number of smartly dressed students around her age. They looked at her scornfully, as though they didn’t trust anyone’s intelligence until they’d proven themselves over and over again. Bethany understood. She was the same way.

The internship leader was a man of about fifty who spoke about the future of the medical field. “The world is changing,” he said, “and our best and brightest must be strong enough to fight it. That’s you. We’re going to challenge you here this summer. We’re going to push you to the limits. But if you have the wherewithal to stay in the program, it means you’re meant for this business. It means you’re up to the task of saving hundreds if not thousands of lives.”

After the leader finished his speech, almost everyone else raised their hands to ask questions. Their well-thought-out and introspective questions spoke of their heightened intelligence.

As Bethany listened, her blood pressure spiked. Why hadn’t she come with any questions? Was she so arrogant to think she was totally prepared for what she was about to do? Did she really think a few high school classes could prepare her for such a tremendous program?

Impostor syndrome took hold of her. Eventually, she excused herself to the bathroom and breathed deeply into her hands, on the verge of a panic attack. When she returned to the foyer, people chatted easily about their hometowns and GPAs while snacking on cookies and soda. Smart people were sometimes insufferable, Bethany thought.

Bethany received her schedule, thanked the leader, and said she’d see him tomorrow. She then fled back to her dorm, her pulse blasting in her ears. When she reached the door, she rapped against it frantically, then dropped into Rod’s arms as soon as he opened it. She sobbed.

---