Page 29 of Trick of Light

“Honey, you’re tremendously brave in doing what’s necessary,” Esme whispered, sensing the fear behind Bethany’s words. “I hope you aren’t second-guessing yourself. You’ve always done exactly what you needed to do to survive.”

That night, Bethany lay in the darkness of her childhood bedroom and stared at the bright light of her phone, reading and rereading Rod’s text message. It felt like a nagging task in the back of her mind, something she needed to find the strength to deal with. But right now, the weight of her real life pressed too hard on her chest. Instead, she flicked through old photographs of Nick, Tommy, Maddie, and Phoebe during a picnic they’d gone on late last summer when the humidity of Savannah had finally split open, and they’d actually enjoyed time outdoors. In the photos, Nick fake-wrestled with Tommy and Maddie while Phoebe danced around the perimeter, calling out everyone’s names. Bethany’s heart surged with love for them.

How was it possible she’d built a life with this man? How could they have shared so much—only to have it all crumble in their hands?

It was now long past midnight. Bethany felt dawn chasing her, with its many needs and desires. Her children would need her to be peppy and strong. She would need to be light on her feet and avoid exhausted tears.

Bethany darkened the screen of her phone and tried to sleep. When she finally fell, she mercifully had no dreams.

Chapter Thirteen

1997

Bethany’s classmates at Nantucket High called her “intense” both to her face and behind her back. She knew, behind her back, that they weren’t very kind. They asked each other why Bethany Sutton had to make them feel “so bad” about their grades and extracurriculars—why she thought she was so much better than them. But Bethany couldn’t care less. Bethany was on the road to a different life. She would be a doctor someday—and genuinely help people in need. She wouldn’t let anything like what happened to Joel happen to anyone else if she could help it. That meant acing every test, learning everything about the elements on the periodic table, and not drinking at parties on the weekend. It meant acting “old” at seventeen.

The fact that Bethany Sutton’s boyfriend was Rod Mathers confused almost everyone on Nantucket Island. Rod was a handsome and charming athlete with enough swagger to date the prettiest cheerleaders. Since the age of thirteen or fourteen, he’d walked across the island like he owned the place, certain of his footing. Why, then, did he spend so much time with that “mysterious and angry” Sutton girl? The one with brains?

Bethany knew better than to ask Rod to his face. She knew better than to question the thrumming love between them, the ache in her stomach when they spent time apart. She knew that, eventually, Rod would realize he could do better, that he would fall for the to-die-for cheerleader or Marcy Tailor, the cutest actress in the theater production of Grease.

Like all other islander couples, Rod and Bethany had met at the age of four or five. Their first meeting was no longer clear. Probably, they’d stumbled around together on a kindergarten playground, shared Play-Doh, or gotten into a fight about something on the storytelling rug. Bethany’s first real memory of Rod was in the second grade, when he’d given her a Disney princess-themed pencil from his pack and told her to only use it to write her most secret thoughts. Back then, Bethany had come to terms with the “secret life” within her own head—one that other people weren’t privy to. Rod seemed to understand that, too. He seemed to have one of his own.

They were friends first. They paired up in classes and read together after school. Esme and Rod’s mother, Gina, liked each other and frequently met up for coffee and playdates, joking about their children’s “budding love.” Neither of them actually believed in it, Bethany knew. They couldn’t know that Bethany had already imagined her and Rod’s wedding along a seaside cliff. They couldn’t know that, by age ten, Rod had already asked her to marry him.

At twelve, they shared their first kiss. It was strange and exhilarating and also terrible. It made both of them question what the big deal was about. “I thought it was something else,” Bethany explained to Rebecca that night, whispering on Rebecca’s bed. “But it’s just weird.” Rebecca urged her to keep trying. “You’ll get the hang of it.”

Eventually, they did. And then, they couldn’t stop.

Being young and in love had very little to do with Bethany’s academic and medical goals. She often felt that her brain's romantic side was fully divorced from her other side. She assumed that was the secret to keep from going fully insane.

Because Rod was so well-liked in the Nantucket community, Bethany enjoyed a sort of queen status. They went everywhere together. They were given a good table at the diner with very thick milkshakes, free Cokes at the burger place, and free ice cream cones at the shop by the harbor. People took their photographs at Nantucket festivals and talked about them as “the future generation of Nantucket.” Bethany often imagined herself working at the Nantucket Hospital, helping her community through the pitfalls and horrors of having a body that failed you. Her biggest dream was to make the Nantucket Hospital one of the best on the East Coast.

And Rod believed in her every step of the way.

Once, during a silly argument between sisters (not long before Rebecca left to go to culinary school), Rebecca had told Bethany that Rod was the only reason Bethany was normal. Rebecca apologized profusely afterward, saying, “I don’t know why I said that. I’m so sorry, Bethy.” But Bethany knew Rebecca’s words echoed what everyone else thought.

Bethany wasn’t sure why she hadn’t told Rod about the application to NYU Hospital. It was an extremely competitive internship for high schoolers who wanted to get into the medical field. Bethany didn’t believe for half a second that she would get in.

One afternoon, Bethany and Rod went to her place to make dinner for Valerie. Esme was working late at the Sutton Book Club, and Rebecca was out of the house and no longer calling. Bethany felt tremendous pressure from her mother to keep things balanced. She alternated between anger and empathy at Rebecca. There were horrible ghosts in Nantucket—their father, their brother—and Rebecca had run.

“And that’s what I was trying to explain to Mr. Conrad,” Rod was saying as they breezed down the road to her place. “Historical context is incredibly important when you’re talking about stories.”

Bethany smiled prettily at Rod, whom she genuinely thought was the smartest guy in school. She paused at the mailbox to grab the mail, asking, “And he didn’t see your point?”

“He basically ignored it,” Rod said. “I think he knew I was right, but he wasn’t willing to admit it.”

Bethany rolled her eyes as she flicked through the mail. Bills, a letter from a long-lost relative. No word from her father, of course. And then, she gasped.

There was an envelope from NYU Hospital. It was addressed to her.

“What’s up?” Rod asked.

Bethany raised her eyes to his as her heart pumped. The envelope was much thicker than the others, proof that it held important information. Stuttering, she said, “I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t think I’d get in! And I didn’t want to jinx it.”

Rod’s eyes widened. “NYU Hospital? What is that?”

“It’s an internship,” Bethany explained. “Just for this summer. But it would be the most amazing thing to put on my résumé. Every medical school in the country recognizes this program. I would have my pick of the very best.”

“What are you waiting for?” Rod demanded. “Open it!”

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