Page 80 of Back to You

“I know you’re not. I just feel like I could have done more for you back then.”

“You were more patient than most people would have been. I don’t blame you. I promise.”

Brandon studied him for a minute. “You really do mean that.”

“Of course. Brandon, I’ve had a lot of time and help realizing what I’ve been doing to myself, and what I did to us. Maybe we could have done some things differently, but in the end I’m the one who needed to make changes. My reaction to you leaving was unhealthy. I needed time to become someone other than the workaholic lawyer. I needed to find more to enjoy in my life than just you. I’m working on that now. I feel better, I really do. You shouldn’t feel bad.”

Brandon gripped his hand as the band trooped back out for their second set. “Thank you, Ethan.”

Ethan smiled and squeezed his hand back.

They sat and enjoyed the music through the second set, then both hugged Marcus goodbye. Outside on the sidewalk, they stood facing each other, ready to say goodnight. Suddenly, someone fell against Ethan, knocking him into Brandon’s arms.

“Sorry!” the woman cried as she headed into the bar.

Neither of them heard her. Brandon was too entranced by the feel of having Ethan back in his arms to notice anything happening around them. He stared into those hazel eyes and imagined what it would be like to once again be able to kiss those perfect lips. He felt his gaze drop to Ethan’s mouth, and heard the hitch of Ethan’s breath.

Then Ethan straightened up and moved away.

“Sorry about that.”

“No worries,” Brandon said gruffly. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for letting me join you tonight.”

“I really enjoyed it. Thanks for talking with me.”

“Any time.”

***

“Why didn’t you kiss him?” Lake screeched.

Ethan sighed and glanced around the restaurant. Luckily the tables were spaced far enough away that people weren’t hearing Lake, despite his volume. “It wasn’t the right time,” he said.

“That’s cryptic,” Nia said, shaking salt over her fries.

“I mean it. I’m still working on getting my shit together. If we’d kissed last night, where would it go? I’m still not ready to try winning him back, so why kiss him when it can’t go anywhere yet?”

“I’m still not clear on why you aren’t ready to win him back. You’re doing so much better,” Nia said.

“Thanks. But I still have a ways to go. I still hear that voice in my head that tells me to work more and harder so that I won’t lose my job. And I’m still learning how to be a person whose entire world isn’t work and his boyfriend. I can’t make him my entire life again. It’s not fair to him.”

“When will you be ready?” Lake said.

“Hopefully not that much longer. Sarah says I’m making excellent progress.”

Lake did a little shimmy in his seat. “I love seeing you like this. I love that you aren’t at work on a Saturday! And you’re willing to come to lunch and go shopping with us. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you as centered as you are now, even before Brandon.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Back then you were always so focused on your schoolwork, then studying for the bar. You didn’t take much time then to have fun or relax. Maybe that’s why you’re having so much trouble with it now that you’re older.”

“It makes sense,” Nia said, munching on her fries. “The habits we set when we’re young tend to become pretty deeply entrenched as we age.”

“That’s as good an explanation as any.” He took a bite of his hamburger. “Now, what are we shopping for?”

“Lake needs a suit for a job interview, and don’t think I haven’t noticed that all your casual wear is from your college days, despite how put together you always look,” Nia said with an arched eyebrow. “And I just want to shop with two handsome men.”

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