Page 44 of Back to You

“I don’t know,” Ethan whispered. “It just … feels good to be needed.”

“I need you!” Brandon roared. “I need you here, I need you to be present in our lives. And you’re not, Ethan. It’s like you’ve checked out of this relationship because you think I’ll always be here. And you need to know, that’s not the case.”

“Please don’t —”

“Don’t what? Say the truth? Because it is true, Ethan. As much as I love you, I can’t be in a relationship by myself. Tell me you understand that.”

“I know, I’m so sorry. I never meant to make you feel so alone. I just had it in my head that my life would be on track once I made senior associate. But it’s so off track. I don’t know what I’m doing, I just know that everything I do seems to be the wrong thing. I risk disappointing you on one hand, and on the other … I risk my job.”

“Is that what this has been about? You’re afraid of losing your job?”

“What if I cut back and they fire me, Brandon? I can’t be like …”

“Like your parents. Never holding down a job, living off of handouts. That’s what you mean, isn’t it?

Ethan nodded.

“Ethan, they aren’t going to fire you if you’re only working 40 hours a week. If that was the case, why would they keep Nia? And I know there are plenty of partners up there who don’t work the crazy hours. Why do you feel like you can’t say no?”

“I have to hold myself to a standard, Brandon. Because if I don’t, who will? Maybe that standard is too high —”

“Maybe?”

“— but I’ve always held myself to a high standard. It was the only way to get anywhere. I had to work harder, be better. I needed that to get myself out of that shithole.”

“You are not your parents! When are you going to get that through your head? You’ve made it, Ethan. You’ve grabbed the brass ring. You’re a successful lawyer, you have a, well, what used to be a healthy relationship. You co-own a nice home. You have a cat! What will it take for you to call it enough?”

“Used to be?”

“What?”

“You said I have ‘what used to be a healthy relationship’. What does that mean?” Ethan implored.

“You can’t possibly think this is healthy anymore,” Brandon said. “When all we do is fight about your job? That’s when we see each other at all, of course.”

“Please don’t say that. I’ll fix it, I swear. I’ll tell Cartwright first thing tomorrow that I’m done, I’m cutting back.”

“Do you even hear yourself? Ethan, tomorrow is Saturday. How are you cutting back if you’re still working all weekend?”

“No, I know, but trust me —”

“I can’t trust you anymore!”

Ethan froze, clearly horrified. “What?” he whispered.

“Ethan …” Brandon shoved a hand through his hair. “I can’t trust you. You’ve done nothing but promise me and promise me, yet you have broken every single promise you’ve made. How can I trust what you’re saying now? You’re just desperate to keep me from …”

“From what?”

Brandon was silent.

“From what, Brandon?” Ethan’s voice shook. “From ending this?”

Brandon just looked at Ethan, tears pooling in his eyes. All he could manage was a whispered, “Yes.”

“No.” Ethan shook his head helplessly. “Please no. I love you, please don’t do this.”

“I love you, Ethan,” Brandon said, tears spilling over. “But I have to think about myself too. I can’t live my life miserable because you’re never there. It’s not fair for you to ask that of me.”

---