Page 89 of When I Had You

Silence overwhelms the space, though it’s filled with people. Cullen skips at my side as they all stare. Harbor pushes through the back door, leading us to the helicopter. Duncan and Noah are already buckled in when we first load Cullen, then I climb up and sit in the middle with him.

Cullen’s enthusiasm for being up this high has us all smiling at some point on the short ride. He points out buildings and water, bridges, and clouds. Dread returns when we start landing, devastating to the joy he is bringing.

As soon as we enter the hospital, Laura rushes to pick up Cullen and embrace him so tight that I know he’s going to start squirming for his freedom. I stand nearby, unsure of how I fit in—I’m not Cash’s family or part of the team. I’m a small partner in the business and his girlfriend. I’m not sure either will give me access to him.

I look down the hall as if I’ll find a way to sneak in. He needs his mom and son, but won’t he also need me? My heart aches in a way that I’ve never felt before. I cover it with my hand as if the small gesture can hold it together.

Laura sets Cullen down but keeps a firm hold of his hand and turns to me. “Thank you for caring for Cullen.” Her swallow is heavier, the struggle shared. “I knew he was safe with you and that you’d protect him so I could be with my son.”

“Yes, of course.”

It’s quick, but I feel a little squeeze on my wrist. “And I’m glad you came,” she says as if I wouldn’t. How could I not?

Half of my soul is in the other room.

Looking into her eyes, I’m unsure what to say other than, “I’m sorry.”

She reaches out and rests her hand on my arm. “I have faith.”

I’m not sure in what—God, his recovery, or that things will work out how they should. I don’t question her because we all handle tragedies differently, but I want to taste that same faith that makes her eyes shine through the tears she’s holding back. “Have you heard anything?” I ask in a whisper, careful not to have Cullen overhear. I’m grasping for any news that will give me the same buoy to hold on to while still finding comfort in her touch.

“He’s going to be okay, but they still don’t know the extent of the damage since they didn’t want to cut the layers of his clothes before reaching the hospital. They’re doing that now, separating the fibers from the burns.” Cullen wiggles at her side. She turns to me and says, “I’m going to find him a bathroom.”

Noah comes over and envelops me in his arms. I didn’t know I needed the embrace until I was wrapped in it. A stifled cry chokes me up, and the tears threatening to fall this whole time finally do. I turn into him, hugging my brother. He’s always been here for me, and like in the past, he rubs my back and tells me everything will be okay.

He’s never lied before.

A doctor comes out and speaks to Duncan, Loch, and Harbor. As much as I want to rush to hear the diagnosis, a part of me wants to see Cash for who he is instead.

Laura joins them, letting Cullen run to me. I turn with open arms and pick him up to hold. Hugging him gives me the most comfort I’ve found.

Their bodies sag in relief, and the lightest of laughter is heard. The doctor smiles when he glances over at us. I breathe, not realizing I hadn’t been in the moments of their meeting. The pressure on my lungs eases as I take a few sobering breaths.

Noah rubs my shoulders as we continue to watch the others. They look over a few times and then at us. Harbor says, “Laura and Cullen are allowed to go in.”

She runs her hand over Cullen’s cheek, but her eyes pivot to me. “We have it approved for you to join us if you’d like. I understand if you’d rather see him privately later.”

“I want to see him.” Cullen’s wriggling in my arms to get down before voicing the same request. I hold his hand, and Laura holds his other as we’re led down the hall.

“Do we need to worry?” I ask, whispering above Cullen’s head.

That smile full of the faith she holds reflects in her eyes. “He’s going to be okay. His organs are fine. There might be nerve damage, but we won’t know at this stage.”

I try my best to digest the information, but I feel at a loss for what I’m walking into. The doctor opens the door, and I follow them inside. The usual hum of machines and heartbeats reach my ears before I can see him in the dimly lit room. The curtains are drawn closed, but a small lamp glows from the bedside.

Cullen runs around to his dad, who’s sleeping. I hang back, still uncertain of my place. I love him. That love is bigger than my entire existence, but I’m not his family when it comes to having the right to see him.

I stay at the end of the bed, holding the railing. Laura moves to her son’s side and brushes the hair off his forehead. She takes his hand between hers and then glances back at me. “He looks good.” Her voice is shaken as if the worry she hid has finally revealed itself.

“He does,” I whisper, turning back to him. There’s no sign of the accident other than a scrape across his cheek and some bruising on his forehead. It’s minor compared to what I expected.

But I know that means the damage is beneath the covers. I admonish my shallow thoughts that worshipped what was superficial—his handsome face, hard body, tanned skin. None of that matters to me now. I know the man, which I didn’t know then. I know his heart, and I’d recognize his soul in the dark. God, I love him so much.

Menacing tears return. I won’t let them fall, not in front of him. Cash would want me to be strong. So I will, for him.

“Hey, buddy.” I barely hear him as he taps the bed for Cullen to hop up.

Laura says, “I think we need to wait on that. He could hurt you, and we don’t want that to happen or for him to feel bad.”

---