Page 90 of When I Had You

Cash nods, not seeming to have the energy to argue. Rolling his head forward, he locks his eyes on mine. I don’t get the usual smirk or cocky half smile he wears like a statement in life. I also don’t get the smile that appears when he looks at me like he’s the luckiest man in the world. None of the familiar expressions are here, and I get nervous that I’ve unknowingly overstepped a boundary of his. He says, “C’mere.”His voice is so low that I barely hear him.

I move around to the other side of his mom and son. She pulls Cullen to the window, and they slip behind the curtains to look outside. I appreciate the diversion she’s created so I can have this moment alone with Cash. I suddenly feel shy standing at his bedside with him looking at me and not saying anything. I’m struggling because the usual words don’t fit in this situation.

When he reaches for me, I cling to him. This is the lifeline I needed, the touch I craved to heal me so I’m strong enough to do the same for him.

I hang my head, and a tear hits the top of his hand.

“I’m okay, babe.” His words comfort me. Even his raspy voice puts me at ease despite the circumstances.

I finally swallow down the lump in my throat, the one that kept me from breathing normally. “Next time you need attention, I prefer it to be on the podium, hotshot.”

“Me too, but there’s always the next race in Canada.” He chuckles, but clenches and groans. “I’m thinking laughing is against the doctor’s orders.”

I’m not surprised he’s already thinking of the next race, but it’s unlikely he’ll be there. I don’t know how this will affect his career. At a minimum, there will be a delay . . . at worse—an ending. “You’ll be back on the track very soon.”

He nods again, the brief smile that was a balm for my soul already gone. He knows nothing is written in stone in sports, whether extreme or recreational.

His hand slips to the bed, and he looks toward the window, his lids hanging lower over his eyes. “Thank you for taking care of Cullen.”

“Of course.” I already miss his touch, but I won’t steal the last of his energy.

“Cullen?” he calls so low that I almost don’t hear him.

I move across the room and peek around the curtain. Smiling at him, I whisper, “Your dad wants to see you.”

He runs around me and hops at the railing. I move a chair so he can stand, and both can get a better perspective of each other.

Cash lifts his arm, and Cullen falls into it with an oomph. A groan escapes, but I know Cash will push through for his son. Cash is tired, his lids dipping closed. He glances once more at me and smiles before kissing Cullen’s head and whispering against his hair, “I love you.”

“Love you, Daddy.”

The moment they share is sweet, and Cullen will probably never be the wiser to the pain Cash is in. But I sense something is off, tweaked in his trademark grin just enough not to be caught by most observers. As if this is all for show.

But I am not most.

27

Cash

One week later . . .

The whispers are driving me fucking nuts. “I can hear you. If you want to know something, just ask me.”

Marina holds up two tea packets in a bout of challenge. “Does your mother want peppermint with no caffeine or super green to drink?”

I look at my mom sitting at the bar in front of her. “Got it. Not everything is about me.” I walk to the terrace, hiding the pain that scorches my side with every step I take.

My mom says, “He’s always been a bear of a patient.”

I close the door to block out the noise. Ironic since I’m in the middle of the city. It’s quieter from the chatter, the how are you doing, the looks of pity, and the constant negotiations of whether I’ll get to drive next weekend.

“She flew in on the red-eye to be here,” my mom starts, coming outside. She closes the door behind her, then moves to the railing with her attention forward. “Marina leaves tomorrow on a late flight just so she can have as much time with you as she can.”

“I appreciate it.”

When she directs her gaze to me, worry wrinkles her brow. “You haven’t said more than twenty words since she arrived, though. What’s going on, Cash?”

Do I tell her?

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