Page 98 of The Influencer

“Hmm… What is it about the knowing, do you think?”

For the few days I’ve been crashing at this Seattle penthouse in the sky, not a single topic has been anything less than deep. With Sawyer, it’s all about love and devotion. Also, money and asset management. With Adam—well, my brother is still trying to talk me out of feeling guilty for cheating on Olivia, and he’s having very little success.

With Race, who’s the only one slightly younger than Adam and I, it’s about breaking out of my shell. But with Vince and Elio—they like to talk about sex. What it means, what it doesn’t. How it changes people, relationships. How it can corrode or rebuild. How it can be empty and meaningless, or transcendent.

Or just plain fun.

It’s been like group therapy with a lot of fucking going on behind closed doors, and a lot of jerking off in the shower on my part.

The entire upstairs constantly reeks of sex, kind of like how I imagine those bath houses were in the seventies. I’ve been tempted more than once to make a Grindr profile and bring someone back here, just to ease some of the FOMO, but I figure that’s not really a good enough reason to have a one-night stand with a stranger. However, if I decide to stay here much longer, I might end up breaking down.

The thing is though, Jade’s been on my mind a lot. What I have to offer him at the moment isn’t much, but I’m not sure he wants much more than sex from me—and obviously he can get that anywhere. I’m awkward around strangers in general, so dating randoms doesn’t really appeal to me, but fucking Jade appeals to me very much.

“Maybe knowing he finds other guys hot takes some of the pressure off?” I put out there. “Maybe I like that he’s a hot commodity, and I’ve got something he likes. Maybe I like feeling a little jealous because it’s easier than dealing with my own guilt. You pick.”

Elio sets down his coffee mug. “You know I’ve never met him, so this is all theoretical, right?”

I nod, eager to hear what he has to say.

“People like Jade, who constantly seek the attention of others, do it because there’s an emptiness inside them that they’re looking for external validation to fill. Some have suffered a traumatic rejection in their past—I’m not sure how much you know about him, so forgive me if I’m way off or overstepping. It’s only that Jade appears to need a nearly extreme amount of attention.”

“Nearly extreme?”

Elio lifts his palms. “I was being kind.”

“You don’t have to be,” I say. “I have no illusions where he’s concerned. I just enjoy his company.”

“Then why the second-guesses?” Elio asks.

I take a minute to think about that. “He’s changed a little since I met him.”

“In a bad way?”

“No,” I shake my head. “It’s not that. He’s just—like I’m seeing what you’re talking about. Some of that insecurity maybe? I’m not saying I mind it. I’m just saying like—I don’t want him to get hurt.”

“Attached, you mean.”

“I’m pretty sure attachment isn’t in his skill set.”

“You might be surprised,” Elio says. “Take Gideon for example?—”

“I don’t really know him all that well,” I admit. My knowledge of Gideon York is superficial at best. He’s locked up pretty tight.

“Well, I do, and he was in no way ready for Jax to come barreling into his life the way he did. He was scared shitless. Fell in love too hard, too fast with a man who was straight as a fucking arrow before they met.”

I hear what Elio’s saying, but I don’t follow. “What does that have to do with attachment?”

“I’m only saying it isn’t a skill. It’s a thing that happens to people. Some people are looking for it—crave it—like Adam, and some people avoid it at all costs—like Gideon. And maybe Jade.”

“But then it happens. Like what? A lightning strike?”

“Whether you’re looking for it or not,” Elio says.

“Advice?” I ask.

He shrugs. “Is there anything pulling you one way or another? Any intrusive thought you can’t let go of?”

Intrusive thought. His question is on point. Because I definitely keep having one, but it’s felt more like a fantasy—about going back to LA, showing up at Jade’s condo, taking another week off, and fucking him on every available surface. So yeah. But I’m not sure that’s the kind of intrusive thought Elio means.

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