Page 99 of The Influencer

“It’s not the smart thing to do,” I say.

“Who says?”

I look over my shoulder to make sure no one else has come downstairs yet, then I lean across the table and lower my voice, deciding to let it all spill, just this one time. Lay out all my patchwork thoughts and see if someone can arrange them into a recognizable pattern. “He’ll be leaving when Gideon goes on tour. So, he’ll be gone for a year. Meanwhile, he’ll be making content—doing what he does, very well, I might add—and I’ll be single. Happily, I think. I can’t fucking wait to be single again. But I’ve got this thing for him, you know?”

Elio nods for me to go on. He’s a really good listener. I can see what Vince and Race see in him beyond his dark, Italian good looks.

I go on. “It’s not just that I like being around him, or I like fucking him—which I do—both of those—but his life is interesting. He’s interesting. And it’s been a long time since I felt like anybody wanted me around.”

“So, enjoy it,” Elio says.

“I’m not sure it’s that simple. Don’t you think if I spend more time with him, and he keeps doing what he does with other guys, I’ll freak out at some point?”

“You don’t seem to mind what he does.”

“Wouldn’t you freak out?”

“Oh, absolutely. I’d lose my mind. I’m already seething that neither one of them has come down yet, and they’re probably fucking each other senseless without me. But that’s our dynamic. The jealousy somehow works.”

“Hm.”

Elio chuckles. “Was that helpful?”

“I’m not jealous,” I say. “I’m more like—did he post the video of that dude coming on his face, cause I’d kinda like to see it.”

“I thought you said you didn’t want to watch.”

I had said that and had fully meant it five minutes ago, but now that I’ve thought about it more, I do want to see it. Because maybe it might make me feel something other than self-hatred and lust again. I’ve been clinically dead inside for too long now. I want to skydive. I want to gamble. I want to drive 100 miles an hour up the PCH, and I want to watch Jade get fucked by two men at once. And then, maybe after all that, I’ll have the balls to live my life the way these guys do. With their whole damn chest.

“I changed my mind.”

I think I’ve finally figured out a way to maximize what time there is left with Jade, and I don’t want to waste any more of it.

Using the Sea-Tac Wi-Fi and my headphones, I sit in an empty corner of the terminal and watch the video I just forked over a hundred bucks for.

The two of us look almost ridiculous together. His lithe beautiful body and my sweaty bulk bending it in half, pounding into his ass like it’s on a mission to knock out his teeth.

But the fans don’t seem to think anything’s off about our pairing.

There’s a lot of “it’s about time you found someone man enough to own that hole the way you deserve” from what I’m assuming are equally sweaty beasts. And from the gentler fans, there’s a faint chorus of “you’re living my dream life.”

Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Wouldn’t be the first time.

But before I get too psyched about heading back to LA with no place to live, I text Jade. As much as I’m itching to see him, he might not be taking my radio silence as gracefully as I’ve taken his.

Asher

I’ve been in Seattle. Visiting my brother.

Jade

Good for you.

At least he didn’t leave me on read.

Asher

About to get on a plane home.

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