Page 70 of The Fallback

‘But the thing I find most worrying about it all…’ Rosie had momentarily relaxed, but now found herself braced once again for what Rachel was about to say. ‘…is that this is so out of character. In all the time you have worked for me, I haveneverhad to pull you up like this,’ Rachel looked pointedly at Rosie. ‘In fact, quite the opposite. You’re the one I have relied on to checkmyresults and to point out issues in other experiments.’

Rosie rocked from foot to foot.

‘So, the thing I’m asking is, what’s going on with you?’

Rosie saw that, interestingly, Rachel’s expression wasn’t one of fury. In fact, it had more of a look of intellectual curiosity about it. Rosie felt like a lab rat.

Rachel sighed. ‘Can you sit down now, please?’ she asked Rosie. ‘You’re making me nervous shuffling back and forth like that.’

Slowly Rosie pulled one of the chairs towards her and sat down in it across from Rachel who ran her hand slowly and carefully through her perfectly smooth bob. When Rosie had first met Rachel, she had had jet-black hair. Ten years later, it was now peppered with grey. But the sharp edges of the bob endured and what might look aging on other women just added to Rachel’s gravitas, and general air of intimidation.

She continued to watch Rosie, rather as one might look at an interesting exhibit in a museum. ‘So, what is it?’ she finally demanded.

‘I’m not quite sure what you mean,’ Rosie replied falteringly.

‘What is it,’ Rachel said now in an exasperated tone, ‘that is distracting you from work?’ Rosie said nothing.

‘OK. Let me ask you something else. What’s your plan, Rosie?’ Rachel leaned back comfortably in her chair. Being head of department meant she had a rather more luxurious chair than the one Rosie had, which was held together with duct tape.

‘Oh, I see,’ replied Rosie, feeling herself on more comfortable terrain now that they could discuss her career plans. ‘Right, well I thought with a couple more years leading this lab I might be on the right track for tenure.’

She paused, waiting to see if Rachel would laugh at her confidence, but she didn’t and so Rosie went on. ‘And if that progresses smoothly, then I’d look for external funding to expand my lab and take on more collaborations. If you and the university agreed, of course,’ she said quickly, keen not to presume too much.

‘I didn’t mean with this,’ Rachel said tersely, waving her arms about her wood-panelled office. ‘This isn’t an interview where you try to wow me with your ambition while also treading a delicate line and trying not to sound too arrogant. I meant your life plans.’ Rachel sat forward again. ‘Because make no mistake, Rosie, this,’ again she indicated her office, ‘is not a life. It’s a job. Maybe even a fulfilling career. But it is not and it shouldn’t be your life. So, what is your plan?’ she pressed Rosie.

Rosie visibly deflated. In all the time she had worked here, Rachel had never shown any interest in her personal life beyond offering her a choice between champagne and martinis at a party. So why now? Why when everything was going wrong with Rosie’s life did Rachel suddenly seem to care?

‘I don’t know,’ she said in a quiet voice, deciding to go for the honest approach.

‘Ah.’ Rachel regarded her, kindlier than before. ‘I see. Remind me,’ she asked, ‘how long have we worked together for?’

‘Over ten years,’ replied Rosie.

‘And in that time,’ Rachel went on, ‘how many times have you called in sick?’

‘A few maybe?’ responded Rosie.

‘How many times have you come in hungover?’

‘Hardly ever,’ Rosie replied more reluctantly, choosing to ignore the morning after her dismal date with Graham.

‘And how many times have I caught you in the bathroom crying?’

‘Erm…’ Rosie thought for a moment. ‘Maybe once, that time one of the students broke the lab equipment and we lost a week’s worth of work in a split second.’

‘A perfectly good reason for some tears.’ Rachel nodded wisely. ‘But I think that might be the problem,’ she said. ‘You’ve been so busy being a good colleague, an excellent scientist…’ she fixed Rosie with a steely glare as if daring her to disagree ‘…that you’ve forgotten to go out and live your life.’

Rosie considered this for a moment before replying, ‘Maybe you’re right but to be honest, if living my life means calling in sick or turning up hungover and crying in the bathroom then I think I’m OK with my life choices so far.’ She smiled at Rachel who rolled her eyes.

‘Yes, fair point,’ Rachel said. ‘But you get my meaning? And the thing is, after this mess…’ Evidently Rosie was not going to be let off the hook anytime soon. ‘Perhaps it is time to look at what else is going on in your life and whether it’s affecting your work.’

Rosie began to apologise again but Rachel batted her away.

‘I have two theories when someone takes their eye off the ball at work. The first one being that they’ve met someone.’ She studied Rosie’s face for some kind of reaction. ‘And the second being that they’ve had their heart broken.’

Rosie wondered if she was supposed to tick the box that applied to her and couldn’t work out which one she would choose. Because yes, she had met someone but she had also had her heart broken. Not in a single sharp snap, but with a slow tearing apart over several years.

‘Now,’ Rachel said, tidying up the papers on her desk. ‘I’m your boss so I don’t expect you to want to talk to me about any of this. And frankly I’d rather you didn’t. But you do need to talk to someone and work out what’s going on before you mess up any more of my collaborations, OK?’

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