Page 29 of Atonement

“Spilling her blood usually served to keep her in line for a few days. Maybe even weeks, if it weakened her enough.” He pointed the knife between my legs now, at the artery inside my thigh that could cause me to bleed out if cut deeply enough. I froze. “I’ve become very good at patching wounds.”

“Please,” I whispered. I was still as he moved the knife closer, then pressed the tip into my skin. Not enough to draw blood. But close. “I don’t want to die.”

“Then stop. Fucking. Fighting.”

I had to close my eyes. The blood falling off my hip was already too much; the promise of more would send me over the edge into a full-fledged panic. I couldn’t afford to lose my head right now. What if I could get my hands on that knife? If I let him—

“Don’t be thinking you can find a way to turn this weapon against me, either. Your mother tried that more than once, and she couldn’t eat for days as a result.”

When I opened my eyes, the knife was gone, and he was leaning over once more to bite me. God, he was obsessed. It was as if he wanted to literally consume me, make me a part of him, and not because he felt any connection with me. No, as he’d said, he wanted to rip me apart and cauterize my very existence; wipe me clean off the slate as if I’d never been born.

I forced myself to try and roll over, crawl away from him, but I was only able to move if he allowed me to do so. He bit my injured shoulder, pressed his fingers into my back to force me to fall back to the carpet.

“Do you understand how long I’ve dreamed of doing this? I knew destroying you would be the ultimate revenge on your cunt of a mother for running out on me.”

“She’s a survivor.” Even now, he was intent on this illusion that my mother had somehow been a willing party to his madness. Because he’d tricked her into entering his home, he thought he owned every part of her for the rest of her life. “Just like your son. And just like me. Long after you’ve lost everything you care about, we’ll still be here, dancing and spitting on your grave.”

I braced for a hit, or maybe another cut, but he only laughed. The booming noise reverberated throughout the room. “I’ve heard those threats before, girl. And this is how they always end.”

The clink of his belt buckle hit my ears, and my brain struggled to choose the right reaction.

Freeze. It’ll hurt less.

Fight back. You can escape him. At the very least, delay the inevitable.

If it is inevitable, why bother to struggle? Why waste the energy?

Don’t just give up like this. You didn’t when Meyer tried to hurt you. You didn’t when you were freezing to death in the lake. You haven’t come this far just to let him take it all away.

I clawed my fingers into the floor and dragged myself forward, not daring to look back. But focusing in front of me only highlighted the dark stains on the carpet, fluids soaked into the fibers too deeply to ever be removed, and deep in my should I knew it was the blood of the women who had come before me.

As he pressed against my body, I flung forward one hand to touch the stain closest to me. Maybe it was my mother’s.

Maybe she could help me survive this.

The door slammed open.

“Mr. Schaf—”

“I told you not to interrupt me!” Conrad sounded enraged, and I squeezed my eyes shut against the tears I’d been fighting so hard to hold back. Joshua had just made it so much worse.

“You’ll want to hear this.”

I forced myself to turn my head towards the sound of Joshua’s voice. He’d seen me naked before, after all. But it wasn’t him I locked on to standing in the doorway, because right next to him was…

“Mom,” I whispered, pushing onto my elbows once more. Conrad put his hand on my back, but didn’t shove me down. There was clinking behind me as he refastened his belt.

“I need to talk to you, Conrad.” Mom didn’t even look at me. She was standing tall, chin raised, but even from across the room her fear was palpable. Her arms at her sides were too stiff, the trembling in her knees subtle but still all too present. “Please give my daughter her clothes back.”

“I actually rather thought I’d keep her naked.” Conrad stood, pulling me with him, and when he held me against his front his semi-hard penis pushed into my ass. My head jerked forward as I fought back the vomit rising in my throat before finally forcing myself to swallow it. “Her humiliation is delicious.”

“It’s not her that you want.”

I stared at my mother, begging her to look at me. “Mom, what are you doing?”

“Be quiet, Mads.” She softened her voice as she spoke my name.

She grabbed her shirt at the hem and pulled it over her head with jerky movements. Still avoiding my gaze, she reached behind to unhook her bra.

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