My head spun with the ecstasy of finally feeling him like this, finally breaking down the tension that I had tried to keep buried beneath my overwhelming rage. But mixed with the ecstasy was the immense grief for all he had suffered; thirty years of mental and physical abuse that had made him believe not only that he was undeserving of love but also that he didn’t even know what it was. I didn’t realize I was shaking until he pulled away.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered, somehow even more defeated than he had sounded a minute ago.
“Don’t,” I choked out and kissed him again. I opened my mouth, and he broke. The hand on the nape of my neck tightened, pulling me closer as our tongues finally met in the culmination of all the mind games and thinly veiled threats over the past weeks. What had happened before wasn’t a fluke or a one-time mistake. This thing that existed between us was real, but if we didn’t protect it, we would lose so much more than each other. He groaned low in his chest as my hand stole to his chest, pushing against the heartbeat that reminded me he was a human being with free will and the ability to change the future instead of being shackled to the past. The ability to change my future. For the first time, I thought that perhaps he wouldn’t lead me to my death after all.
He tried to grab my wrist with his injured hand but broke away with a sharp gasp of pain. Tears sprang anew on his face as he clutched it to himself, but he never took his eyes off me. I reached out to thumb away his tears, still trying to catch my breath.
“We have to get out of here. You need a doctor.”
He nodded mutely, relenting to me as the leader of our actions for a short time. He had poured every bit of himself into the wall, and then my lips, and now nothing was left.
“Find something with pockets,” I said, pulling both of us to our feet. “And tell Shawn we need his car. I don’t want Joshua with us.”
I turned to prepare myself, but he caught my arm and pulled me against his chest. He winced as I jostled his injured arm but didn’t let go.
“Madeline … Maddie.” He put his forehead against mine again. He closed his eyes as though he couldn’t bear to look at me.
I kissed him. I couldn’t stop myself. Something had broken in me, and the only fix was his touch. We both had the truth—the full truth—and every pretense between us was stripped away. I needed him close. Against me. Inside me. I needed him to show me that no one is doomed to make the same mistakes as their parents, no matter how deep the cancer has grown.
But first, I needed him healthy.
“Coat,” I said breathlessly as I tore myself away. “Five minutes. We’re going.”