Page 46 of Reckoning

“With the horse. She ate earlier.”

I sighed. I hated that fucking animal. “I’m going to talk to her.” Shoveling the last bite of food into my mouth, I pushed back from the table. I felt much steadier on my feet and less likely to keel over, though my head still felt like it was going to fall off my shoulders at any moment. Maybe I could find ibuprofen stashed away somewhere.

“Good luck.” He leaned back in his chair, folding the newspaper to work on the crossword. “I’ll be here.”

She was standing in the middle of the field with the horse on a lead, directing her to run in circles. I leaned against the fence as close as I could get, still a fair distance from the horse. “Where did you learn to do that?”

“I didn’t lie around pining for you when you disappeared for a week. I kept busy.” She kept her eyes on the horse, never looking at me once.

“Can you come here?”

She kept the horse moving for a few more rounds, then released her. She walked toward me slowly, almost unintentionally. Swinging a leg up, she climbed the fence and sat atop it next to me. She dragged a hand across her forehead, wiping away the light sheen of sweat she’d built up. Her eyes focused on the horizon, and she still refused to look at me. “How do you feel?”

“Better, now that I’ve eaten.” I paused, giving her room to speak again, but she didn’t. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Me too.”

“How’s your hand?”

She extended her arm and peeled back the corner of the bandage covering her palm; the skin was red and swollen, but it looked clean. “Hurts a bit. I’m lucky, though. Dr. Yang said it could have been worse.”

“A lot of things could have been worse.”

She finally turned to look at me. I tried to hold her gaze but had to look away to swat at a fly. Fucking horse.

“Tell me what was in the letter.”

I ran my fingers through my hair. “I’ll tell you someday. Not today.”

The exhale of her breath was like a bomb going off. “You’re insufferable.”

“Why is everyone being so nasty to me? I tried to kill myself last night, remember?”

The joke did nothing to elevate her mood, and her glare immediately chastised me. “I could slap you, Meyer.”

“For not finishing the job?” I would have thought she’d be happy to see me go. The note I left instructed Joshua to take her away and keep her safe from my father, then attempt to reunite her with her parents. There’d been more, words I left for her, but since he’d destroyed the letter without showing them to her, I doubted she would ever know. “Keep Joshua from shoving those pills down my throat, and I’m sure I’ll be out of your hair in a few weeks. I’ll get more oxy from Shawn.”

“My God, Meyer, it’s not that!” I started at her harsh tone and looked at her, but she was focused on something in the distance. “You tried to leave me! What did you expect me to do with you gone?”

She’d said that last night, too. I hadn’t known what it meant then, but I thought I did now. I stepped a few feet to the side, placing my hands on her knees. With my eyes trained on hers, I pushed her legs apart, stepping into the space that opened up before me. Her breath quickened slightly, chest heaving as her pupils widened. I ran my hands up her legs to her waist, wrapping them around her back. She put her hands on my biceps, holding me back, tears balanced precariously in her eyes.

“You didn’t even write me a note! I would have never known what your last words were. I wouldn’t have had anything left of you.” She tried to push me away, but I held onto her. My own blood I could have handled, but this anguish bleeding out of her was more than I could cope with.

“I thought I was doing what was best,” I whispered. A tear fell from her eye. I reached up to wipe it away. “But you wouldn’t like that, would you?”

She dropped her head, breaking our eye contact. “I don’t know what I want anymore, Meyer.”

I still felt weak, but I pulled her toward me, her legs dropping to the ground and head falling to my shoulder as she wrapped her arms around my neck. My hands stroked her back soothingly, running over that scar that had fascinated me so much the night before.

“We can’t keep doing this.”

“It’s just us out here,” I said, my voice low. I let my chin fall onto her shoulder. “No one can see us.”

She stiffened. “That’s not the point.”

“I won’t tell anyone,” I emphasized. She didn’t reply.

My hands felt goose bumps beneath her shirt. It didn’t feel that cold to me, but I never tended to notice unless it was warm. Instead of seeking to balance its temperature with warmth, my skin always seemed to want equilibrium with the cool air. I rubbed her skin with my thumbs. Slowly, I felt her skin smooth underneath my hands. Her shoulders relaxed, and she raised her head and let her cheek touch mine.

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