Page 8 of Silver Lining Love

Mikey had a science project due tomorrow. He’d been working on it for the past couple of months. It was some sort of biosphere, which I didn’t totally understand. Luckily, he was a bright kid and seemed to have a handle on it. I made a mental note to check in and make sure that it was done.

Alice was still having nightmares. I needed to try and figure out what to say or do so she wouldn’t be terrified to go to bed. I’d meant to look online today to research tips, but Benji had had a rough day, and I’d barely gotten him down for his first nap and it was almost dinner time. He was teething and running a fever which meant this was the first moment I’d had to myself since five this morning. I’d even had to pee with him on my lap. Thankfully, either the Tylenol had kicked in or he’d just worn himself out because he’d drifted off to sleep about ten minutes ago.

Which reminded me I was almost out of Tylenol. I needed to Postmates it so I would have enough to get through the night. I opened the box of noodles. As I put them into the pan I looked around my house. It looked like a tornado had hit it. There were toys, shoes, bottles, clothes, plates, and cups everywhere.

How is this my life?

How was I responsible for keeping three little people alive when I hadn’t even been doing that great a job of keeping myself alive? I’d never even been able to keep a plant alive, much less a living, breathing—anything.

I never wanted to be a mom. That was Addison. She was the nurturing one. She was the one whose bed I climbed into when I was having nightmares. She was the one who helpedmewithmyscience projects.

The past six months had passed in a fog. I remembered flashes, but it all just seemed like a bad dream that I couldn’t wake up from.

One minute I’d been stumbling home drunk after finding out that my boyfriend— whose name I barely remembered—was cheating on me with my best friend.

The next thing I knew I was in a hospital waiting room and a doctor was telling me that my sister and her husband were gone.

Then I had to go to her house and tell my niece and nephew that their mom and dad weren’t ever coming back.

There was a funeral, but that entire day felt like an out-of-body experience. It was like I’d been floating on the outside looking in. The few things that stood out were Mikey didn’t cry at all, and Alice couldn’t stop bawling. The baby was passed from person to person.

After that, I was sitting in a lawyer’s office where a woman informed me I was the legal guardian of my nephews and niece. I told her I didn’t know how to do that. She said that it was my sister and brother-in-law’s wish but I didn’t have to accept it. I could turn them over to the state. I asked about my brother-in-law’s family, and she said that his parents were elderly and that he was an only child.

I’d known that, but I figured there might be a cousin or something.

There wasn’t.

The two options I had were to raise my nephews and niece or turn them over to the state.

I hadn’t had a choice. Not really.

I went back to my sister and brother-in-law’s house and told Mikey and Alice that their mom and dad wanted me to take care of them and asked them if that was okay with them.

They were happy. Or as happy as two kids who’d just lost their parents could be.

I explained that I would move in with them. My sister and brother-in-law had left me the house, but neither of them wanted to stay there. They wanted to come and live at Gamma Mary’s house, which was what they called my house because that’s what it had been when Mikey was little.

So that’s where we all were. The house was originally a three-bedroom, one-bath. But when I inherited it five years ago, I’d converted one of the bedrooms into my closet. Now, it was half nursery, half closet; Mikey and Alice shared a room, and all four of us shared a single bathroom.

It wasn’t ideal. I knew that the clock was ticking toward when I’d have to figure something else out. Mikey had just turned ten and would want his own space sooner rather than later. But we were surviving. Barely.

The truth was, I was drowning. I had no clue what I was doing. If it weren’t for Wyatt, I wouldn’t have made it these past months. He’d saved me and the kids more times than I could count.

“What were you thinking, Sissy?” I whispered as I felt myself begin to hyperventilate again.

One, two, three, four,I counted as I inhaled.

One, two, three, four,I counted as I exhaled.

Breathe. I just had to breathe.

My internal meditation was interrupted when Mikey screamed as he ran into the kitchen. “She wrecked it! I told her not to touch it, and she wrecked it!”

“I was helping!” Alice screamed even louder as she trailed behind him.

“It’s my homework and she wrecked it!”

“Shh! Mikey, please stop yelling. I don’t want you to wake up Benji. I’ll help you fix your project.”

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