Page 19 of Silver Lining Love

That had been happening more and more frequently. So many things I’d been feeling recently had been confusing as hell. I’d decided by the time I hit double digits that I was never going to be a father. I’d had enough diapers, bottle washing, babies crying all night, toddlers breaking my toys, tantrums, and not having a second to myself to last me a lifetime.

And every year that passed after that until I moved out of my childhood home at age eighteen solidified that decision. I wasn’t sure which stage of my siblings was worse: preteens, teenagers, or babies. Two of my siblings, Trace and Travis, were nicknamed T-N-T because of their love of blowing things up. My mom named all her gray hairs Travis and Trace.

I’d left my small Texas town, my huge family, and I hadn’t looked back. I’d created a life for myself where if I had leftovers in the fridge, they were only eaten if I ate them. When I bought clothes, they weren’t “borrowed and stained.” If I needed to get a good night’s sleep, I set my alarm, popped a melatonin, and got eight hours.

For close to two decades, that lifestyle had worked for me. I’d loved my life. I’d never felt like anything was missing. I had Moose, the occasional girlfriend, and everything was perfect.

So why was the life I’d built starting to feel empty and lonely?

Why was I actually missing my family?

Why was I feeling like Michael, Alice, and Benji were more than just kids I helped take care of…but like they were family?

And why couldn’t I imagine a future without the kids and Whitney in it?

I didn’t have those answers, but luckily, this situation wasn’t about me. It was about the kids and Whitney. They were what mattered, not my mid-life crisis.

7

WHITNEY

“BROKEN CRAYONS STILL COLOR.” ~ GAMMA MARY

As I staredat the row of cars that seemed to go on for miles in front of me in the pickup line outside Mikey’s school, I wondered how I was going to do this next year when both MikeyandAlice would be in school. I already felt like half my life was spent sitting in these lines. And next year, I would have to do this twice as many times because Mikey was going to middle school and Alice would be in elementary. And when I was picking her up, I wouldn’t have Alice to entertain Benji in his car seat. It would just be me and mister man.

Tears began to form in my eyes, but I sniffed them away. There was no reason to cry. That wasn’t going to help anything.

The only thing that did seem to help came in a six-foot-four package of chiseled muscles, a smile so hot it could melt the polar ice caps, and eyes that were the perfect combination of kind and sexy. I didn’t even have to close my eyes to picture him standing in my doorway this morning, looking like he was ready for a Men’s Health shoot.

I’d accepted my fate. I was totally head over heels, stick a fork in me I’m done, twitterpated over Wyatt. I’d always dreamed of a knight in shining armor—who knew mine would show up in slacks and a polo shirt?

I was pretty sure that he was attracted to me, but any more than that, I had no idea. There were moments when I’d catch him looking at me that I’d think something was passing between us, something deep and meaningful, but that could very well be me projecting.

And even if I was right and he did, by some miracle, have the same feelings for me that I had for him, he’d mentioned, several times, that he never wanted to have kids. Over the years, every single one of his long-term relationships had ended because he didn’t want to have kids. He told me that growing up in such a large family had burned him out.

Before I’d gotten an instant family, I’d actually considered his stance on parenting a good thing. I’d never wanted to have kids either. I figured it was something I had in my favor and would be a tick in the pro column for me. But now that I’d seen him with the kids, I’d seen what an amazing father he would be. It seemed like a crime against nature that he didn’t want kids of his own.

I knew that it was selfish, but whenever he was with the kids, whether it was helping Alice learn to ride her bike without training wheels, changing Benji’s diaper, or helping Mikey with his homework, my ovaries began to ache.

Which made zero sense. I already had more kids than I knew what to do with.

I didn’t know what to do about my ever-growing infatuation/love for Wyatt Briggs, and the complications of what my life entailed now. The shittiest thing about the situation was the one person who I would have asked about it wasn’t here anymore.

In the background of my inner contemplation, a caller on Tea with Josephine was explaining that her boyfriend of five years wanted to have a threesome and asking if it was something she should consider.

Hearing the call inspired me. Not to have a threesome, I’d gone down that road once and it wasn’t for me. No, the call made me think that since I couldn’t ask Addi, I might as well ask the woman who seemed to have all the answers for everything Josephine Grace Clarke.She was basically a modern-dayDear Abby. I listened to her podcast religiously.

I pulled out my phone and pulled up her website. I navigated to the section where you could submit questions. My mind was swirling with everything that I wanted answers for, but there was one that was at the top of the list. I felt silly reaching out to someone who didn’t know me, who I’d never met, but hey, desperate times.

And besides, what were the chances that she’d respond?

I bit the inside of my mouth as my thumbs began typing furiously:

Dear Josephine Grace Clarke,

Six months ago, my life changed forever, and I had no idea it was coming.

My sister—the strongest and most selfless person I’ve ever met and the kickass mom to three adorable kids—was killed in a car accident.

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