Page 16 of Take My Hand

So instead, I now lie here under the tattoo needle, working out all the frustrations I have with myself.

“Is that the first one you’ve had in a while?” Nikolai asks.

“Yep.” First one in months. “How are you doing with it?”

“With what?”

Stalling the question to try to deflect, I see.

“The anniversary.”

Nikolai spins in his chair. “I’m fine. I just like to not think about it and focus on other things.”

Understandable. Impossible for me personally, but if that’s how he wants to try to get through it, I’m not going to push him.

I tried for a while after it first happened. To get him to open up. But he’s never wanted to discuss it. Similar to Will in that way I guess.

“How’s Milo doing?” I ask, referring to his younger brother who was in the same graduating class as Will.

Nikolai stops his spinning and faces me once again, eyes locked in on Vinnie’s work. “Good,” he says, and when he smiles, it’s genuine. “He got accepted into the internship program he wanted for the summer at a tech company he’d been eyeing for a long time. His grades have been better this past year, and overall, he seems to be doing pretty well.”

The relief in him is visible as he talks about Milo. He loves his brother more than anyone else in the world, and while he would never admit to it, I think that’s why he’s always tried to maintain such a strong front after the shooting. He wanted to be a pillar for Milo to lean on and to look up to.

“What about Lucas and Will? Lucas still dating that girl?”

“Livvy,” I remind him. “And yes, still together. He’s saving up for a ring.”

“Hell yeah.” Nikolai claps my shoulder and earns a scathing look from Vinnie. “Sorry, bro.” He holds his hands up.

“He’s doing great. Will, on the other hand…” I trail off, my stomach twisting. “My mom’s been worried about him, so I called him yesterday to check in.”

Not going to lie, I was pretty surprised that he answered the phone to begin with. But that small bit of relief faded when I heard booming music in the background and his slurred words.

“He was partying all day yesterday.”

“It was a Saturday,” Nikolai hedges.

“I know, but it’s all he does anymore. Every time I try to talk to him, he’s either at a party, or on his way to one, or hungover from the previous one. I get it, he’s young, in college, in a frat, but it just doesn’t seem healthy.”

He’s trying to run from it, I know he is. Trying to forget the noises, the fear, the smell of blood and metal. I try to forget it, too.

But where I’ve found relief in playing music again, he’s found it at the bottom of a keg. And I don’t want to see him reach a point he can’t come back from.

“Look, I know you may not approve of what he’s doing, but you gotta let him figure it out for himself,” Nikolai says.

While his words ring true, I still don’t like them.

“It’s just hard.”

The buzz reverberates through my entire skull as Vinnie works under my ear, almost as if it’s rattling around. While not painful, it’s definitely uncomfortable and I shift in the leather chair.

“Need a break?” Vinnie pauses, sitting up and cracking his back.

I shake my head. “Not unless you do.”

“We’re close to being done, so let’s just power through this last part.”

He leans back over me, tilting my head just right for him, and resumes his work.

---