Page 122 of Take My Hand

Nikolai isn’t having any of it, though. He packed up and flew to New Zealand the other night, earlier than his intended departure date. He’s doing what he knows how to do, what feels comfortable to him, and that’s running.

And if that’s what he needs right now, I’ll give him the space to do so. But when he returns, I’m not going to sit around and watch him chase high after high again just to feel something and smother what he truly needs to work through.

My family’s group chat lights up on my phone, cutting through the do not disturb setting I turned on.

Dad: Saw the post this morning. We’re here for you. All of you.

Lucas: Who wrote that for you? I know it wasn’t the four of you idiots

Me: *middle finger emoji*

Will: Does this mean we don’t get to go to any of those fancy awards shows anymore? I need updated pics for my dating profile

Lucas: Just put a pic of you and Hayden up on there. That’s how I got 99% of my dates before Livvy

Mom: We ran into Carolyn at the store last night. She seemed torn up about it as well

I’m not surprised the news hit Walker’s mom hard, too. Our parents have been there to see us reach every milestone in our careers and cheered us on along the way. Our achievements felt like their achievements and this news is hard for them.

My mind drifts off to Reid, wondering how he’s doing today. I haven’t spoken to him since the morning after the show, when he approached me at the airport gate and asked how I was doing. The conversation was short, but I appreciated him checking in.

I think about calling him, checking in to see how he’s doing because does he have anyone doing that for him today? Nikolai’s in another country, I doubt Walker is reaching out, and he doesn’t have the same family support system that we all do.

Just as I’m about to click on his contact number, Walker’s face fills my screen with an incoming call.

“Hey,” I answer, rising from the spot on the couch I’ve been rotting in for the last hour and walking to the kitchen for a drink.

“Hey, man, how’re you doing? Feels pretty surreal, doesn’t it?” His voice is small, like he’s staring off into space lost in the memories of the last ten years that lead to the post today.

“Yeah, it’s different seeing it over email versus seeing it posted on the actual account. Your phone been blowing up?”

He laughs. “It’s insane. Did you see Arun’s text that our streams have been higher in the last hour than they have been since our last album release?”

I shake my head, grabbing the pitcher of water from the fridge and filling a glass. “Insane, dude.”

“I wanted to come over instead of calling you, but didn’t want the paps to follow. They’re circling for first blood.”

“Tell me about it. Carter got followed half of the way here this morning.”

She had slept at her own place last night so she could switch out the clothes that she brought with her to Chicago and get fresh ones, as well as a few other items she needed to restock on. It’s the first night we spent apart in a while and I hated how empty my bed felt without her in it.

But she returned this morning and has been downstairs in her studio all morning, doing some self portrait work to “spark her creativity” as she put it. Now that her work for the band is done, she’s ready to play around with some different styles and has a few models and jobs already lined up over the next few weeks.

“Jane texted me,” I tell Walker. “Nice of her to do so.”

“It’s hard for her. You guys are all like brothers to her, too.”

Except Nikolai…

“My mom said she saw Carolyn at the store and she was pretty upset.”

I can practically hear Walker’s eye roll at the mention of his mom as he says, “She’s being so dramatic. She called me crying this morning as if it’s her career that’s ending.”

A laugh spills from my lips. This morning has been filled with dread and sadness at the huge change that has crystallized in all of our lives, that it’s good to know that some things haven’t changed.

“Have you heard from anyone else?”

“Eh, the people I thought I would,” he says. I take it that doesn’t include Reid.

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