Page 58 of The Edge of Never

“It was early morning when I drove us back. The rain was coming doon hard ootside, so mah attention was mostly on the road. Jenna was unusually quiet. She looked like she was having fun at the wedding, but once we got in the car, she seemed tae deflate, tae withdraw intae herself. It worried me. Her lack of willingness tae communicate had been going on for months, and I was tired of it.”

A sickening feeling filled my stomach. If Thane wasn’t about to tell me they’d been in a car accident, then my pattern recognition was way off.

I kept silent, not wanting to disturb him as he spoke. My eyes darted up to his face. He stared up at the ceiling with a faraway look in his eyes, as if he was reliving that night right in front of me. His abject misery seeped into me. Sometimes I hated the way I experienced empathy. How I took on other people’s emotions. Felt their pain. I’d learned how to disassociate from it if it became too much, but right then, with Thane bleeding out in front of me, I couldn’t keep his emotions at bay. Couldn’t stop myself from taking them in. Feeling them with him.

“I asked her what was wrong. As usual, she said it was nothing, but I didnae believe her. So I pushed and pushed until she turned tae me and said, ‘I want a baby, Thane,’ and I swear tae fuck my whole world slammed tae a stop. The car kept going. It was still raining, but it all felt like nothing compared tae the bomb she dropped on me.”

I wasn’t sure why Thane brought up the topic of not wanting children, especially when he said he and Jenna agreed on that front. Now it made perfect sense. For her to turn around and tell him she wanted a kid after they’d been together for so long… I couldn’t even imagine how he must have felt.

“I didnae know what tae say. I had tae keep mah eyes on the road, but mah mind was spinning. Jenna kept talking while I was falling apart. She said she kept it from me ‘cause she knew I wouldnae be happy aboot it, but she couldnae stay silent any longer. She wasn’t getting any younger, and it had become a necessity tae her. I asked how long she had felt this way… and the answer… fuck.”

His voice broke on the last word. Tears welled in his eyes. His fingers dug into my back, but I ignored the pinch of pain that came with it.

The only way I could think to comfort him was to flatten my hand against his chest. My thumb stroked the bare skin above his top at the base of his neck. He let out a shuddering breath.

“I’ve never said this oot loud before.”

His voice was soft, with a touch of weariness to it. The weight of this crushed him. Ate him up from the inside. I felt it in the tension radiating off his body.

“She said she’d always wanted children, but she wanted tae be with me more until it stopped feeling like enough. She wanted something she knew I wouldnae give her.”

My chest cracked right open, and the aching void left in its wake crippled me. Tears left my eyes. I’d cried enough for a lifetime today over my pain, but how else could I let it out? The agony of what he had to deal with cut me into tiny pieces. And it was going to get a whole lot worse. I just knew it.

“Before I could answer, she continued, telling me that she’d struggled over what tae dae aboot us, but she knew in her heart, she couldnae deny her need any longer. She wanted a baby regardless of mah feelings. It escalated intae a full-blown argument when I asked her what the fuck that meant. We were practically shouting at each other. She should have talked tae me aboot it. We were meant tae be a team, but she shut me oot. It was awful. My heart was ripping tae shreds over her words and the way she acted like I was the problem when she was the one who hadnae been honest with me.”

He wasn’t the problem. Thane had been honest with Jenna from the start, judging by what he’d told me. The man had made sure he couldn’t have kids. His stance on the matter was pretty fucking clear. And his wife couldn’t be truthful about her own feelings on the matter.

At the time they got together, Jenna might not have thought it would become an issue, but clearly, she had misjudged her feelings. I didn’t think I could fault her for that. We were entitled to change our minds. However, keeping it from him was wrong. It wasn’t fair to him at all.

“The final straw came when she told me she was gonnae have a baby whether or no I was on board with it. She’d dae it withoot me since she knew I wouldnae reverse mah vasectomy and it was uptae me tae decide whether I wanted tae stand by her through it or no. I didnae know what the fuck tae think or dae. My ears were ringing as I stared at the wet road and the wipers going back and forth. She gave me a fucking impossible decision tae make… but it turned oot, I didnae need tae make it at all.”

The fact she gave him such a cruel ultimatum made me wrap myself tight around Thane’s body. I wanted to shield him from that horror, even though I couldn’t. I hadn’t known him back then. But I could help him now. I could comfort him and give him my strength and support. It felt woefully small like it wasn’t enough, but it was all I had to offer.

“We were driving on this narrow road with limited visibility. Someone clipped the back of mah car as they drove past us. With the road being really fucking wet, the car spun oot and I couldnae get it back under control no matter how hard I tried. There was this crunch as the car slammed intae something and we came to a stop. It all happened so fast, I hardly knew what was up or doon.”

He held me tighter like his life depended on keeping me there. The sick feeling was back, making me want to throw up, but I kept my mouth shut. Kept myself from giving into the desire to hurl my guts up.

“All I could hear was the rain pouring doon on the metal and glass. I stared at the windscreen, noting the way it had cracks along it. My eyes followed them, watching them get bigger until I saw a branch hanging over the car. It kept whacking into the glass over and over. My attention caught on the metal around the windscreen. It was crumpled on the passenger side. I turned mah head and saw exactly what happened tae the car.”

He choked on the words. His chest shuddered with each of his breaths.

“It buckled in the centre and wrapped itself around the tree. And there was Jenna, her eyes wide and glassy. Her head was all I could bring myself to look at ‘cause if I concentrated on her further, I would’ve seen her crushed body. I tried tae talk, but nothing came oot. And I just fucking knew she was gone.”

It didn’t feel good that I had been right about them being involved in a car accident. It felt hollow. I didn’t know what to say to Thane. My thoughts were chaotic. It had to have been horrific for him to see her that way.

You poor, poor fucking man. Fuck how I wish there was something I could do to make this better. To erase that memory. To make the pain go away.

“There was banging behind me followed by the sound of the car door being wrenched open. Someone was talking tae me, but I couldnae hear them. I felt mahself being pulled from the wreck, but I couldnae speak. Mah wife was dead and the last things we’d said tae each other were in anger. I dinnae really remember what happened next clearly. It was a blur of people talking, flashing lights from the polis and ambulance vehicles. Jenna was pronounced dead on the scene, and I walked away with bruising and a few cuts. It was the worst and longest fucking day of mah life dealing with the aftermath. With the questions and the crying from everyone around me. But I was numb, so fucking numb tae it all.”

The fact he not only had a horrible argument with her but then had to deal with her sudden death was almost too much to bear. It didn’t surprise me he was numb. He must’ve been in shock. The utter devastation would come later.

“No one knows aboot oor fight, they just know we got intae an accident. Telling them Jenna wanted children after all these years of them knowing we’d decided no tae have them was tae much for me. All of it was… so I stopped talking tae anyone. I sold oor hoose as I couldnae bear tae be in the space she created. I rented a hoose in the woods tae get away from everyone, withdrew intae mahself, drank tae much so I could sleep at night, and didnae want tae live any longer.”

He let out a long sigh as if the weight of it was lifting off him now he’d finally admitted the truth out loud.

“The only person who stuck by me was Callan. He pulled me oot of bed more times than I can remember, forced me tae sober up before I lost mah job and made sure I took care of mahself. I dinnae think I’d be here withoot him. I owe him everything.”

“But he doesn’t know what Jenna said to you.”

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