Page 2 of The Edge of Never

The stabbing sensation in my chest made me flinch. While she was right, it didn’t make it any easier. It didn’t stop the ache in my gut and the damage to my heart and soul.

“I know he was yours, but I carried him for you and Law. I…”

My voice cracked. Talking about it didn’t get any easier. No one tells you how fucked up you’d feel after a miscarriage. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t my baby. He had still grown inside me. And I lost him. I was the one who physically fucking lost him. Not Sienna. Not Lawrence. But me.

“It still hurts,” I whispered.

Her face dropped. She closed the distance between us and wrapped her arms around me.

Usually, I’d welcome her comfort, but today, it felt hollow. My arms remained limp at my sides. I stared off into the distance and couldn’t bring myself to tear out of her embrace, despite it reminding me of things I couldn’t have. Of a life I could never live because she wasn’t mine. She wouldn’t ever be mine. And that was the icing on the shit cake that was my life.

I don’t remember when my heart started loving Sienna. Probably early in life, considering we’d met at school when we were five years old. I turned thirty next week. Twenty-five years of feelings that I couldn’t help but resent. Loving your best friend who knew of your feelings and did nothing but shove her relationship down your throat was probably the worst feeling in the world.

Sometimes I wondered why I loved this woman when she could be so cruel to everyone. Sienna always put herself first. It hadn’t changed because I agreed to be her surrogate, only to lose the baby at twenty weeks. Two days after we found out they were having a boy.

Fuck, it hurts. It really fucking hurts so much.

“I don’t want you to touch me.”

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

Sienna dropped her arms from around me almost immediately. When she backed away, I could see the irritation and confusion in her expression.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

If we were going to do this, I might as well lay it all out for her. We’d been going around in circles for the past four months. Ever since the day that changed everything. And now things had come to a head.

I wasn’t surprised, but I hadn’t been prepared to do this with her now. I wanted to deal with my feelings away from her because Sienna kept making it worse. She kept making it harder to breathe.

“It means you need to stop touching me. Stop coming near me. Just stop.”

“Kit…”

I put a hand up.

“No. You keep talking at me and never listening to what I have to say. I know you’re in pain, and I know you’re hurting, Sienna. I fucking get that, but what you don’t understand is how this affected me. How I feel.”

I dropped my hand to my chest. The ache there almost crippled me. I took a deep breath in an attempt to ease it.

“I’m tired.”

My voice sounded utterly defeated. It didn’t sound like me at all.

“I’m so fucking tired, and lost, and hurting… and I don’t want to do this with you anymore. You keep asking me when I’m going to be ready to do it again. Keep pestering me, and yet you don’t fucking listen to a word I’ve said to you. You don’t even listen to Law either. We’ve been telling you that this isn’t good for any of us. We all need time, and you won’t give that to us.”

Her eyes narrowed. Since Sienna wouldn’t hear me out, I talked to her husband instead. It had been a mistake, but what else was I meant to do when no one understood what I was going through? How much this whole situation had eroded our friendship until I was hanging onto a fraying string. Sienna kept tugging far too hard. And I was done.

“Don’t think it escaped my notice how close you’ve been getting to my husband.”

“He’s my friend too.”

She scoffed.

“Friend, huh? That’s rich. I mean, I don’t care what the two of you did. By all means, fuck my husband if it makes you feel better. You’re welcome to his dick since it’s the closest you’ll get to me, but don’t you dare tell me you need time. You’ve had time.”

I stumbled back. Her words cut like a knife. Throughout my life, I had listened to Sienna bitch and moan about other people. She never directed it at me. I guess that’s why I let it go. It was easier than to call her out on it. More fool me for being the meek one who was always outshone by the gregarious Sienna Michaels.

“Law told you?”

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