Page 3 of The Edge of Never

“Of course, he told me.”

It had only happened once. We were drunk and miserable after Sienna had gone off at us over the baby situation. I regretted every moment of it afterwards. I should have never let my emotions get the better of me around him.

“It was a mistake.”

“That’s not what he told me. Law’s always had a thing for you.”

Just like I have a thing for you. Although, I don’t know what that thing is anymore.

“So? That doesn’t mean I want him.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“I know who you want.”

“Don’t do that, Sienna. Don’t use my feelings against me. That’s not fair. I’ve never asked you for anything, so don’t.”

“And what? I’ve asked you for everything, have I?”

I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Yeah, you have. I tried to give you what you desired most in the world, but I can’t do it again. I don’t even want children, but I was willing to put myself through a pregnancy for you. For you, because that’s what friends do, but you’ve been nothing but ungrateful ever since and I’m not going to put up with it any longer.”

The way her eyes darkened made me want to run. I knew that look. She was about to unleash hell. And this time it would be all on me.

“You think you’re better than me because your body fucking works and mine doesn’t. That’s it. You’re more of a woman than I am, isn’t that right?”

I shook my head, unable to believe what she’d said to me. As if I felt that way. That thought had never occurred to me. I felt awful that Sienna had fertility issues. Why the fuck did she think I agreed to help her have a baby? Out of pity? I didn’t pity her. I wanted to make her happy.

“Don’t you dare say that. You should know better than to call me a woman.”

I don’t know what hurt worse. The way she was treating me or the fact she’d deliberately misgendered me. Sienna was there when I came out as non-binary. She had supported me when I was struggling with my feelings about my gender. How I didn’t identify with either. She came to my defence when people couldn’t get my pronouns right. She was my champion when it came to being agender. To have her throw that back in my face was too much.

“You are a fucking woman, Kit. Don’t kid yourself.”

“My gender is not the same as my sex. You know that. You fucking know.”

I took a deep breath.

“I’m done. This conversation is over. I don’t want to see you or talk to you when you can’t be reasonable or remotely respectful.”

I turned away from her with a sick feeling in my stomach and started walking back down the hill towards town. I’d lived in Seaford my whole life, but now I wanted to escape. It was a good thing I’d booked myself a trip away for my birthday. I needed to be far away from Sienna, Lawrence, and this absolute mess.

“So that’s it, is it? You’re just going to walk away.”

I didn’t turn around or acknowledge Sienna. There would be no point. I didn’t even flinch when she screamed at me that I was a bitch and other obscenities. No, I kept walking away from my best friend, who had lost all of my respect. There was no way we could come back from this. She crossed far too many lines today.

It wasn’t until I was safely locked away behind the front door of my studio flat that I broke down and cried until my throat was raw and my head hurt. And I wondered why I had wasted almost twenty-five years of my life on someone who never appreciated me the way I did them.

Two

Thane

A sigh left my lips as I turned off the engine of my old Land Rover Defender. As soon as I got out of the car, I’d have to put on a brave face and act like a regular human being. One who wasn’t drowning in prolonged grief. I was so very tired of those feelings. Of hating myself and everything around me.

After almost two years of being a widower, it was time for me to find a way to live again. Long overdue, really, but it couldn’t be helped. There was no time limit on grief. On how it infiltrates every part of your life and makes breathing regularly so much harder. No one tells you how bad it gets nor how much you wish you were the one who died rather than your spouse. Such was my lot. And I had to go on without her, no matter how much it hurt.

Callan was right to insist I do him a favour and be an extra hand for his mountaineering course. I needed to get out of my own head. To move on with my life. I wasn’t ready, but who’s ever ready to move on from the person they loved? The person they’d built their life with and had never planned on losing?

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