Page 110 of The Edge of Never

My eyes imprinted his handsome features in my brain as I dashed towards him, unable to leave without one more thing.

My mouth didn’t form words when I got to him. I reached up with one hand as I went up on my tiptoes. My mouth landed on his, while my hand went to his shoulder.

Thane let out a startled grunt. I closed my eyes and kissed him. When his lips moved with mine, I almost cried. He wasn’t rejecting me. That simple movement told me all the things he couldn’t. He was going to miss me as much as I was going to miss him.

Before tears could fall, I pulled back and left him, rushing over to my suitcase and hauling it onto the train. Only after I’d stowed my suitcase and found my seat did I look out of the window.

Thane stood there with a stunned look on his face. He hadn’t been expecting that kiss. I would have kicked myself if I hadn’t done it. There had been so many things I regretted in my life but kissing him one last time wasn’t one of them.

I watched him as the train pulled away from the station. He hadn’t left. He kept watching the train until we disappeared from sight. I sat back in my seat and stared at my hands. And that was when regret finally sank its claws into me. Not for kissing him. No, it was for not telling him how I felt. How in the short time I’d been with him, I’d come to adore everything about him. Even his grumpiness… actually, especially that.

Adore wasn’t the right word, of course, but I was terrified of the true feeling sitting in my chest. Was it even possible to fall for someone this fast? I mean, I knew it was, but I had never experienced such an intense situation with another person before. A part of me wanted to put it down to the circumstances we’d been in, but every other part knew better. What we shared was real. It was so fucking real. Nothing I’d had before could compare to what I had with Thane. But I didn’t have it any longer. It had been temporary… fleeting.

I put my headphones over my ears and stuck some music on to distract myself from thoughts about us because they were only making me upset. But that didn’t work. I stewed the entire way to London over my feelings towards him. It was a direct service, so I didn’t have to make any changes. Hours flew by and I hardly noticed them. My mind was stuck replaying each and every moment we shared.

When we reached Kings Cross, I had to walk over to St Pancras to get a train to Brighton. From there, I changed to another train to get to Seaford. I’d booked this route because I only had to make two changes. That was less stressful, and I didn’t have to go on the underground. Travelling through London was always a little bit overwhelming for me with the crowds and noise, especially at rush hour.

It was past seven in the evening by the time I arrived home after getting a taxi from the station. I hadn’t felt like lugging my suitcase halfway across the town to my studio flat.

The first thing I did after I got in the door was order a takeaway. There was no fucking way I was cooking for myself after that long journey. Then I methodically unpacked everything, knowing if I didn’t do it straight away, my suitcase would sit there for a week or more. Having that reminder of my time in Scotland wouldn’t help me in the long run.

After I ate my takeaway pizza in front of the TV, I got ready for bed and curled up under my duvet. I was truly alone for the first time since I’d got stuck on that mountain. It didn’t feel good. While I loved and needed my solitary time to recharge, nothing about it felt right.

I buried my head under the covers, wishing I had Thane right there with me. And that’s when I finally let my tears fall.

Ugly sounds erupted from my throat as I sobbed my heart out. My hands clawed at my sheets because if I didn’t, I would hurt myself. The emotional pain was overwhelming.

I kept it all together while I was on the train for fear of what people would think if I had a meltdown in public. In the safety of my home, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I let go of that tightly wound control, allowing it to flood through me.

I shook and cried harder, hitting the bed below me repeatedly until my fists hurt.

“I can’t… I can’t… I can’t.”

It hurt so fucking much. Everything did. The agony of leaving him hit me at full force, along with all the overstimulation from the past few weeks. It shouldn’t be this damn hard. I hated losing it. Hated how out of control I felt whenever it happened. And I wished I could be different. That my brain didn’t work this way. No matter how many times I told myself it was okay to be autistic, there were days I wished I wasn’t born this way. I wanted to turn it off and be like everyone else for just once. But that wasn’t how things worked. I had to live with this. Be this every day of my life. And sometimes, like right now, it sucked.

By the time the intensity of my meltdown faded away, I was completely drained. My pillow was soaked, but I couldn’t drag myself out of bed to change the case. Instead, I curled up into a ball and rubbed my chest, wishing away the loss building inside me.

I miss you already. I miss you so much it hurts my whole damn soul.

I fell asleep with the admission to myself that I’d fallen in love with another person I couldn’t have. And that was the worst part about this of all.

Thirty Six

Thane

My fingers went to my lips as the train disappeared from sight. I stood on that platform trying to keep hold of the touch of their mouth against mine. And it worked for a few minutes. Then the sensation faded, and I was left alone, shivering in the cold, and wondering what the fuck to do next.

It was Sunday. I only noticed that when I checked my phone this morning. The new one I had ordered earlier in the week turned up yesterday. After I got it synced up to the cloud, I was happy to see that I hadn’t lost anything. However, looking through my photos only made my chest ache, so I refrained from checking those.

My head fell back. I stared up at the cloudy sky and sighed. It felt so final. Kit going back to their life and leaving me here to get back to mine. Except I didn’t want to do that. A part of me wanted to chase after that train, but it would be futile. I couldn’t outrun a train any more than I could run away from my past.

Why didn’t you give them your number?

I thought it would be easier to cut ties this way, but I was wrong. It had barely been five minutes and my chest already hurt from missing them. Why did I think I could let them go without it causing me pain? Why did I trick myself into thinking it would all be okay? It wasn’t. Not by a long fucking shot.

I dropped my chin and dug my phone out of my pocket. Then I dialled my best friend’s number.

“Ye got a new phone, did ye?” came Callan’s voice when he answered.

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