Page 34 of Love Wasted

Present

There’s a ringing in my head. It won’t quit, and it feels like it’s getting more persistent, louder. My head is throbbing. So much pain—oh my god, do I have a tumor? It’s so dark. After a moment, the ringing stops. I try opening one eye, and the light streaming in through the blinds is like a lightning bolt to my head.

“Ahh,” I moan. The ringing starts up again, and I realize it’s my phone. Champagne is the devil. Reaching out toward the side table, I keep my eyes closed for fear I will be blinded by the sunlight coming into the room. What the fuck, San Francisco? The one day you decide to let the sun shine without the cover of fog has to be the day I wake up in an ultimate vampire state?

Without looking, I tap the screen just to make it stop ringing. “Hello,” I groan. My mouth feels like someone shoved a million cotton balls into it.

“Hey Cass, Happy New Year!” Laney shouts, her words vibrating through my skull.

“Ssssshhhhh. Don’t shout,” I beg. “I think it’s just nifty you’ve decided to stop ignoring me after a week on the one day my head feels like I was kicked between the eyes.”

She giggles. “I wasn’t ignoring you…well, maybe initially, but then work has just been nuts and with the time difference, it’s made it too hard—not to mention, I was hoping if we didn’t speak, my spiritual essence would disappear and your voodoo doll wouldn’t work.”

“Should I pull it out and see how it’s working now?” I suggest without a hint of humor.

She laughs louder, causing me to hold my head. I hate New Year’s Eve.

“I’m calling now, and that’s all that matters. What stupid thing did you do or are you about to do?”

“Nothing,” I state so quickly, even I can’t deny I sound like a liar.

“Okay, you’re the worst liar in the world, and you definitely can’t lie to me—I know you too well,” she informs me. “So what’s up? Am I too late?” Her voice is only slightly serious. I can hear a bit of concern, although it’s not Laney’s thing to get too emotional.

Sighing, I whisper, “Yes and no—and yes.”

“Cass…”

Interrupting, I sigh again. “Look, Laney, you know I’ve been all over the place with Richard.” I start with that because my real problem will take a bit more guts to admit.

“Really? That’s it, Richard again?” she remarks with an air of disappointment to her voice.

“Let me finish,” I insist, trying to work up the nerve to continue. “It’s not just Richard. Richard and I are definitely still in that weird limbo, not together, not completely apart—you know, our standard.” Pushing myself up slowly, I lean back against the pillows, my eyes finally adjusting to the light. “I didn’t tell him Pax is staying here.”

“And?” Laney isn’t grasping the picture, but why would she? I’ve never let her know the Paxton part of me, and that’s the dangerous part—there is a Paxton part of me.

I continue, not directly addressing her question. “He was pissed at first, but then he did his normal thing because, let’s face it, he doesn’t really care.”

“Cass, what’s the stupid part? Last night you said you were going to do something stupid and it would be my fault. So, what is it? Is it the fact that you stay in this mess of a non-relationship?” She doesn’t sound annoyed, just her usual Laney style of matter-of-fact.

“The stupid part is Paxton,” I say, almost in a whisper, because if I say it out loud, it makes it mean something.

“Paxton?” Laney questions, and then a small gasp sounds through the phone. “Did something happen between you two?”

“No! I mean, not really. Oh Jesus, Laney, it isn’t really like that, but it’s just something…like a storm brewing. It’s always… Shit, forget it.” I close my eyes. “It doesn’t matter because it’s Pax and he’ll never change. Things will never change between us.”

There’s a short silence, like we’re letting my words settle, allowing ourselves to accept them and move on.

“Okay.” Her voice sounds strange, like she’s resigned to the fact that she missed some crucial part of this conversation but understands she’s never going to get it again. “Well, my only advice for what I actually know about, which is this thing between you and Richard, is to figure it out and do it quickly. It’s time, and it’s destroying you. You make things too easy for him, and it’s about time you start caring enough to put yourself first, for you to choose you and figure your shit out with him, for you and no one else. No matter who…” She trails off, either because she can’t or doesn’t want to finish her statement.

“You’re right.” I sigh. “It’s going to take time. Richard and I need to talk; I owe him that much—I owe myself that much.”

I can practically hear her rolling her eyes through the phone. “Whatever you say. Just do something, Cass, anything, as long as it’s something. I’d prefer it be something different, but know I’m your best friend first and always, no matter what, no matter who—”

“I know. It’s the one thing I’ve never had to question. Thanks for that Laney. I love you.”

“I love you too. Try not to be stupid without me,” she jokes, unable to be serious for too long.

“Bye,” I say, then add, “Happy New Year, and don’t think I don’t plan on getting you back for this whole living situation you put me into with Paxton.”

---