Page 12 of Zade (Den of Sin)

She hangs her head down in despair, “Did you ever think I’ve gotten exactly what I deserve?” I rise from my chair and walk over to her, she glances at me from over her shoulder, “No. I have never thought that because you deserve the fucking world and I’m sorry you’ve never gotten that. You’re almost an adult now. It’s time for you to demand what you want out of life. Don’t take no for an answer, if there’s something you want, go after it.”

She spins around and throws her arms around my waist, catching me off guard, buries her face in my chest, “Thank you.”

I chuckle as I hug her back, “For what?”

“For caring.”

I kiss her on the top of her head, “I’ll always care, Amira, always.”

Stepping away from her I ask, “Ready to go?”

She sighs audibly, “Yeah. Let me get my purse and my letter.”

“Letter?” I ask as she walks out of the kitchen but throws back over her shoulder, “My therapist recommended I write my mom a letter and either read it to her or put it in her casket.”

I find that odd but don’t express my thoughts to her but it’s as if she can read them, anyway.

She giggles, “It’s not about her hearing what I say. It’s for me.”

“Whatever helps you.”

As I make my way to where she stands by the door, I take her in, she really is beautiful in her black long-sleeved dress that falls just above her knees, long blonde hair hangs around her shoulders, those bright green eyes stare back at me reminding me not to look at her like this. I swallow a lump in my throat, “Let’s go.”

I follow her outside and lock the door behind me. She doesn’t wait for me before sliding into the passenger seat.

* * *

She’s quiet on the drive to the funeral home. I can’t imagine what she must be feeling so I keep it short, “I’m proud of you for going to therapy.”

Amira glances at me before returning her gaze to the passenger side window, “I don’t remember you giving me a choice.”

I chuckle as I turn the steering wheel, “You’re right, I didn’t. Taking care of yourself will never be optional. I won’t let anyone hurt you, including you.”

She doesn’t respond, not that I expected her to. I’ll protect her with my fucking dying breath, like I always should have. I failed her in the most tragic way. I will not make that mistake twice. The one person that kept me from Amira is gone now. Nothing will keep her from me again.

“Do you think I’m an idiot for being sad that she’s dead?”

I take a deep breath, “No. You love with your entire heart even when someone hurts you. If you didn’t still love her, you wouldn’t be you. That would be the biggest tragedy.”

I swallow hard as I pull into the parking lot, “Amira, you can be angry and still love somebody. They are not mutually exclusive.”

Amira swipes at a tear falling down her cheek, “I am angry. I get that she was so messed up between depression and drugs. What I don’t get is how she could do that to her child. She listened to me cry when they-”

She doesn’t finish her sentence, instead she jumps out of my truck and slams the door. I get out and walk over to her, “Come here,” and pull her into my arms.

“Be angry. Cry. Scream. Let it out, don’t keep it inside, don’t take it out on yourself.”

Amira wraps her arms around my waist and sobs in my arms. Her tears break something inside me. I want to erase all her pain but I can’t. I could have prevented it but I didn’t. I can’t change the past but I will destroy anyone that tries to hurt her in the future. Nobody is immune. They fuck with her and they are done. Including this little boyfriend of hers.

I kiss her on the forehead, “Ready?”

She gazes at me with something that looks like adoration and it makes my chest squeeze, sighing audibly she says, “Yeah.”

I take her hand in mine and walk toward the building where my ex-wife’s body is. I haven’t been a fan of hers for many years but now I hate her more than I’ve hated anyone. I’m not here for her, I’m here for Amira. There is no paying of respects because I’ve never respected anyone less than this woman. I am going to need to remind myself repeatedly this isn’t about me. It’s about what Amira needs.

We walk in and are met by a young woman who introduces herself as Claire. I met with the funeral director a few days ago but I’m told this woman is in charge of making sure everything goes as planned.

“Would you like a few moments alone with her before we allow people to come in?”

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