Page 13 of Zade (Den of Sin)

“Please,” Amira responds and we’re ushered into the room where the bitch lays. If I had the power to bring her back to life I would, just to fucking kill her.

Claire leaves the room and Amira unfolds her letter, “I’m going to read this to her.”

I nod, “I’ll give you a few minutes alone,” I gesture to the doors, “I’ll wait right outside.”

She grabs my arm, “Please stay. I need you, Zade.”

Again my heart squeezes, I don’t know what’s happening but I don’t like it. She makes me feel, and it’s not something I’m accustomed to but of course if she wants me here I won’t leave her side.

I gently stroke her cheek with my thumb, “Whatever you need.”

Then she reads her letter out loud, breaking me with her pain.

Mom,

You took your life and my opportunity to ask why. How could you force me to allow men to touch me? I was a little girl, your little girl. Was it not your job to protect me from men like that? My therapist says you trafficked me. Instead of protecting me you listened to me cry while they did things I didn’t want. Why? So you could get drugs to numb your pain. Did you ever consider my pain? Did you think about what it was doing to me? I wanted to matter enough for you to stop it but I didn’t matter to you. I was no one.

Do you know what the worst part is? I still love you. You don’t deserve my love. My grief. Yet you still have it. What kind of person still craves a mother who only hurt her? I just want to know why. Of course, I’ll never have the answer to that because you’re gone now. You took everything from me. I want to say I forgive you but I don’t. I love you but I hate you too. I hate you and I hate myself. I can barely stand to look in the mirror without seeing their faces, hearing their disgusting voices, their moans. I shower with bleach to get clean. But I never will because the filth I feel is on the inside. It’s not skin deep it’s fucking soul deep. You broke everything in me. My body. My heart. My soul. It’s all so broken. I’m so broken. You broke me.

Goodbye Mom.

Amira tucks the letter beside her mother and steps back, tears stream down her face. Her pain is palpable, I feel it, deep inside like her pain is mine. It’s confusing and distressing. The need to protect her is strong. I’ve never taken a life, yet there’s no doubt for her I would. There is nothing I won’t do for Amira. Whatever she wants, I’ll lay it at her feet. Her every need will be given to her. Her soul calls to mine on a spiritual level, I don’t understand it but I accept it because I have no choice.

ChapterEight

AMIRA

I spot Joe, Cyndi and Seleste approaching me as I stand beside Zade. Seleste is the girl Cyndi is convinced Joe is cheating on me with but I don’t see it. We’ve had our issues because as much as I want to lose my virginity I don’t want to lose it to him. I can’t explain it but it doesn’t feel right. Zade tenses beside me as they stop and Joe pulls me into his arms affectionately.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers into my hair. Next I hug Seleste and then Cyndi who I think might never let me go, “I’m so sorry, babe.”

I don’t miss the way Seleste gazes at Joe like he’s her next meal. This must be what Cyndi is talking about but I’m not worried because nothing will happen between them. While Joe and I haven’t been together long, I know he is faithful to me. He’s had a crush on me since seventh grade. I am everything he ever wanted although I’ll never understand why.

We take our seats and wait for the minister to begin the funeral. Zade sits on my left, Joe on my right as the minister speaks. I’m not religious and neither was my mother. So this man didn’t know her. Zade arranged this for me. I know he hates my mom so I know the only reason there is a funeral is for me, for closure he knows I need. I’m dealing with what my mother allowed those men to do to me but I’m committed to putting it behind me. It’s over now. Reverend Carmichael talks about how while my mother is gone from our physical world she’ll live forever in our memories. I nearly roll my eyes because if he knew the memories she left me with he’d lose sleep. Hating and loving someone at the same time is bizarre. As horrible as it sounds I’m glad she’s gone and I miss her. Every time I feel something it contradicts my previous emotion. It’s confusing at best.

The minister finishes with a prayer and Zade leans into me and whispers in my ear, “Do you want to go up to see her before we go for lunch?”

I turn my head to face him, he really is so striking, they say the eyes are the window to the soul, and his gaze feels soul deep.

“No. I just want to be done.”

He nods, “Whatever you need, Amira. It’s yours.”

We rise and the five of us make it to the banquet room. I told Zade it wasn’t necessary for him to pay for a lunch and a funeral but he didn’t want me to have any regrets. My mother’s body is being cremated which I’m grateful for at this moment. I’m ready for this to be over, I’m glad I don’t have to also attend a burial.

We take a seat at the banquet table and Zade whispers, “Stay here. I’ll get you a plate of food.”

I nod, as I talk to Cyndi.

* * *

Zade

I grab a little of everything for Amira from the buffet. I set her plate in front of her as she’s engrossed in a conversation with her friend but I don’t miss Joe and the other girl quietly slipping away. I glance at Cyndi and she smiles awkwardly, I mouth to her, “Stay with Amira.”

I follow the boyfriend and his little friend; I keep back to see where they’re going. They walk down a hallway and then turn left toward the bathrooms; they walk into the Mens restroom together and I arch an eyebrow in response. There is only one thing I can imagine they’re doing. I try to tell myself I have to be wrong. They wouldn’t do that at her mother’s funeral. What kind of piece of shit would fuck another girl at his girlfriends’ mother’s funeral? There must be an explanation but I approach the Mens room to find out for myself. I step inside quietly while I spot the redhead on her knees, her mouth full of Amira’s boyfriend's dick. I cross my arms over my chest as I clear my throat. Joe’s eyes widen as he pulls himself out of the girl's throat. I get closer and grab her arm, pulling her to her feet, “Get the fuck out.”

Wiping the corners of her mouth she looks to Joe and runs out of the bathroom. I step closer and closer to him, with every step I take, he takes one back, until his back hits the wall. I wrap my hand around his throat, “At her mother’s funeral? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

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