Page 54 of Lost & Found

I stare at the light of my phone screen for far too long, not knowing what I’m waiting for.

I want to call him. I want to hear his voice. I want to tell him that I hate him because I was so in love with him. But it was so long ago that I don’t even know if those things matter anymore. They shouldn’t matter to me; I should have moved on.

I don’t know if I hope that he’s suffering like I did or if I hope he found happiness. I just hope more than anything that I can get over this giant swallowing hole that Jax Monroe’s memory has left me in because I know it’s not good to harbor these mixed emotions.

I want to call him; I almost do. But I know that I can’t. Today marks the beginning of the fresh start I’ve worked so hard for and giving into a temptation that is known for causing pain won’t provide me with the closure I’m looking for.

I need to work this out on my own. I give the moon one more glance as the wind rustles between the trees. I take in all of the tranquilizing energy the moon seems to offer me and I manifest it into the belief that I am capable of making it through this.

I don’t know if I’ll make it out unharmed, but in the end, I will find my happiness.

eighteen

Jax

PRESENT DAY

Ihopouttheshower right on time to see the end of a phone call fade from my phone screen. I wrap a towel around my waist and walk over to see who it was. Lo and behold, it was my mom.

I haven’t spoken to her since I gave her the money for her bills a few months back and honestly, I’d like to keep it that way. I decided that after giving her the money that maybe she thought that’s all I was good for. Kylan couldn’t give her that. I always felt like he was her street cred. Her trophy in the case. Her social media post. Her favorite son. And now I’m conveniently her bank account kid. For what it’s worth, I could care less but I really don’t see myself running to answer the phone for her anytime soon.

But I stare at her missed call trying to decide if it’s worth calling back or if she’s asking for a second loan. One that I would probably give her if she asked nicely because I’m starting to realize I might be a people pleaser. I just want to make people happy. I hate the battle in my head where my mom is concerned. It kind of reminds me of Hollis and how I want to listen to her but I also want to do what I want.

Which is why I’m currently getting ready to go to a party that I wasn’t invited to.

I swipe the notification away and proceed to my closet to find something to wear. Really, I don’t have much. I kept a few of my classy dress clothes just in case I needed them for something more formal. But I mostly own leather, jeans that are either ripped or dirty from working, and t-shirts in the black, gray, and white variety.

I have a few hoodies, so I decide to grab a light gray one. I dry my body off with my towel before pulling on the rest of my clothes, black jeans, a black leather jacket to wear over my hoodie and then I put on my Adidas.

I finish getting ready, running my fingers through my wet hair and spraying my cologne on. I try not to think too much about seeing Hollis for the first time in two months, not wanting to get my hopes up. Considering how seeing her for the first time in over a decade went.

But I do feel the excitement bubble in my chest when I try to picture her partying. What kind of drinks does she like to sip on? What music does she dance to? How does she laugh when she’s with her friends?

I decide to text Mason. I want to make sure that I have back up there with me in case what I’m about to do goes south.

Hey, you still meeting me at the Grizzly, right?

It doesn’t take long for him to reply.

Already here, pal. And I have to say. She looks fire.

I feel irritated at his response, though I know he’s only trying to get under my skin. No one gets to look at Hollis and feel that way about her. But at the same time, it makes me kick my ass in to gear and hurry out the fucking door, grabbing my helmet before locking up the door and riding my bike to hopefully get my girl.

It was raining pretty heavily on my way over which frustrates me a little because I hate riding in the rain. But I shake off my annoyance because I know that I need to be fully emotionally available and focused on trying to talk to Hollis.

It’s crowded. It’s New Year’s Eve so the Grizzly is doing a ladies night countdown special. So, there are girls everywhere and where there are girls, there are usually pigs trying to hook up with those girls.

I clear a path to the bar, super thankful when I notice an empty space at the bar. I see a few familiar faces on my way over. Liam is one of them, and he’s got two different girls on his arm. I want to call him out for being disrespectful, but then again, I don’t really care about him or what he does as long as he stays away from Hollis. I can also say that I do respect that he was honest with her about his feelings instead of trying to work his way out of the trenches their relationship was slowly sinking into.

If only I could get her to open up so that I can do the same.

I find Mason standing on the side of the bar, waiting for his drink as I approach him.

“Hey, you made it,” he says as he notices me.

He gets the bartender's attention and signals for two of whatever he just ordered.

“No, man. I can’t. Not tonight.”

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