Page 51 of Lost & Found

"You guys had a lot of history, Hollis. And I know you’ve been thinking a lot these few months, which is exactly what you needed to do. It's not bad to want him there. It's not bad to miss him. It's also not bad to decide that you are better off without him and for you to do what you want with your life. But you can't lie to yourself, that's when it gets bad." She rubs her palm down my arm over my chunky sweater, and she leans her chin down to my shoulder. I reach up and grab her hand as we both smile in the mirror.

"If he shows up, maybe I could try and talk to him." I decide. Having Jax back in town these last few months and pushing him away over and over has made me realize that I would rather have him in my life as opposed to not at all.

"Just start with the little stuff. It might work out. Remember what you dad used to always say…piensa con el corazón, no con la mente.You taught me that." She winks.

"Your accent is getting better." We giggle when I turn to face her.

"But promise me that you'll be nice to yourself. No matter what happens, he doesn't know what you've been through, and he might say or do something that you most likely will take the wrong way." She’s right. That’s always been another obstacle I have to try and navigate and though it hardly ever happens, Jax could be the one to change that.

"I love you," I tell her.

"Shots for the birthday girl!" She claps as she reaches over to my nightstand which is only hosting a phone charger and bottle of vodka next to two shot glasses.

"I really need to get this place put together," I say as I pick up a shot glass and hold it out, waiting for her to pour the clear liquid.

"I really don't think Jax will mind the lack of homeyness if he's banging your-"

"Jaelynn!" I shout, causing her to laugh which causes the vodka to dribble over the side of my glass. I roll my eyes before giggling with her.

"Little stuff, remember?" I say.

"To the little stuff." We pull our glasses into the air between us, clinking them together. "That hopefully leads to the big stuff," she adds before rushing the shot glass to her lips.

I hate to admit it, but to that, I'll drink.

seventeen

Hollis

TWO YEARS AGO

ThedrivetoJaelynn'ssister's new house is kind of a distant drive, considering I'd been so used to walking down the block to get to their parent's house. But after their divorce, they sold the family home and Jae and her older sister, Lasandra, moved out on their own. But Lasandra never fails to keep her end-of-summer tradition by throwing the same party every year.

I don’t anticipate the flood of anxiety that washes over me as the rocks from the gravel driveway crunch under my Jeep’s tires, but I feel it twist in my gut and grip my lungs in a slight caress.

I know I’m doing too much too soon, but if I don't start now, then when will I? I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet again. The last three years of therapy has really helped me to decipher and manage a lot of my feelings. We talked about things that haven’t worked for me and things that have worked for me and I felt as though that the progress we had made was starting to plateau which led to me to believe that I was ready to move on.

So I finished my last session today, went home and took a nap, then got ready and now I’m here. Staring at the house in front of me through the windshield of my car, already aware of the electronic music that pervades outside of the house.

A loud and obnoxious knock at my window causes me to jump out of my fucking skin, and my hand flies to my chest when I look over to see that Jaelynn is watching me freak out. Her laughter can be heard through my window, and I roll my eyes.

“I almost fucking died,” I swing my door open which knocks into her a little bit but she's too busy dying of laughter to really care.

“Clam down, you didn’t die.” She tries to catch her breath with her hands on her knees, bent over.

“Heart attacks are a real thing you bitch,” I say to her, jumping out of my car and slamming the door shut. I loathe her for laughing at my pain.

But then I join her in a debilitating fit of laughter because when you put aside the fact that I thought I was going to get murdered, it actually is kind of funny.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it,” she says as she collects herself and stands up straight.

My laughter also dies down and I feel the anxiety that gripped me earlier start to loosen its hold on me.

“I needed that, honestly,” I admit, and I start to relax when I realize that I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

“Let’s go inside, I heard the nachos are almost gone and I am starving.” I let Jae drag me by the hand up past the other parked cars and toward the garage of the house.

I didn’t know Lasandra was so successful in her career, I don’t even know what she does for a living, but her house is pretty massive.

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