Page 47 of Lost & Found

I wipe my grease-stained hands against my light wash denim and watch as I soil yet another pair of jeans. It’s the thirteenth pair in eight weeks, but a smile crosses my face regardless because, don’t get me wrong, I loved working for Callan and selling fancy cars, but I’d much rather get my hands dirty than sign paperwork all day.

“You wanna pass it off to Phill and take off for the day?” Cody’s tone is more of a statement than a question.

I walk over to the car he’s working on and lean down, yanking him by his ankles and pulling him out from under the body.

“What the fuck?” He flails his arms in shock, and I just laugh.

“The fuck you trying to get rid of me for?” I ask, kicking at his boot playfully as he leans up.

“I was just asking. You haven’t had a day off in…well, since you started. And I just thought you could use the break.” He shrugs his shoulders as he wipes the back of his hand against his hairline, mixing black substance with the sweat percolating there.

“I don’t,” I bark a little too loudly. He can sense that I'm getting defensive, I can too. And I know what he's trying to hint at but I don’t need a fucking baby sitter.

“Jax, it’s New Year’s Eve. We can handle the workload and I really think you should-”

“Don’t.” I cut him off, knowing exactly where this conversation is going.

It’s been two months since I left Hollis in her driveway, since I left the ghost of the woman who haunted me on all my days and all my nights, for years and years. I could tell that she turned into someone who thought she was nothing more than a shell of a woman who didn’t deserve to smile or feel appreciated. I walked away and tried my hardest to stay away like she had asked, though all I wanted to do was fix her and tell her that she deserved the world and all its moons.

Because I knew if she was going to ever give me the time of day, I needed to do my part. Though I feel like I was just barely starting to understand where she was coming from, I just wanted to hear it from her. I wanted to hear her say that she felt the same way I did and I was going to fight for us, thatshewas going to giveusa second chance. But she couldn’t admit it. Didn’t want to. Or maybe I was wrong. But whatever she’s going through, she thought that kicking me out of her life, again, was the easier option and I hope she fucking knows how wrong she was because I told her it wasn’t over and I don’t make very many promises I can’t keep.

Today is her birthday. And I can’t help but feel like I’d regret missing it. I’ve missed so many others by choice of distance and now, she’s closer than I care to admit. I’d be stupid not to try to find my way back to her again. She’s had time to think, she’s had time to pretend like she didn’t feel what I know is so evident between us, so maybe tonight is the night.

“She’ll be at the Grizzly tonight,” Cody says quietly, noticing me weighing out my options but we both clearly know what I’d like to do. I distract myself from his statement by grabbing a sanding paper off the shelf.

“I wasn’t invited.” I grate the paper against the tabletop, prepping it for use.

There’s no amount of arguing that Cody can do to convince me that I should go. Though my bones fucking ache to move in her direction and be where she is. I run my hands through my hair, which I've let grow out a few more inches than I'm used to, mentally noting that I should probably cut it soon.

I fucking miss her.

Why does doing what she asked me to do feel so fucking wrong?

“You seriously haven’t even tried to talk to her?” Cody leans against the bumper of the car and wipes his wrench with the rag in his hand.

“It’s none of your business,” I say through clenched teeth, irritated that he even brought her up in the first place.

“You’re right, it’s not.”

I told Cody and Mason about Hollis. I admitted the whole story, from the day I left for Colorado to the day I left her in her driveway. I’d never told anyone the truth before. Except for the sliver that I fed Callan a while back. But I had to hold on to that denial for so long because I thought it was what was best for Hollis.

Mason understood, said he knew I might have felt that way back in high school, but nothing ever came of it, so he brushed it off.

Cody said he could sense it the moment I saw her at Willows a few months back.

I had to tell them something, because they kept bothering me about my attitude and my lack of going places with them. And I couldn’t tell them some things without it not making sense, so I had to share it all.

I wanted to be with her. I regret pushing her away in that closet.

I regret letting her get away so damn easily.

I did it for her. I did it because I knew–or I thought–that it would have only led to heartbreak and she deserved better than that. But I guess my destiny was always to break her heart because her pain toward me runs deeper than I could have ever imagined.

I wish I had gotten the chance to tell her my full truth and I wish I knew all of hers.

“Listen, I just think-”

I slam my fist down on the table, tools bounce up and drop back down with a clank.

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