Page 85 of Filthy Secret

“Grover texted me last night. He wants me to come home. His words, not mine. He said it was for always.”

Shawn’s entire body freezes. She turns to me, four pounds of grass-fed butter in her hands, her eyes wide, and her lips parted slightly in awe. I blink, and my tongue slips out, wetting my lips as I wait for her reaction, or rather, her to come out of her reaction and speak.

“And?” she finally breathes.

“I told him… tomorrow.”

“Ryan,” she exhales.

I watch as she turns to the side, setting her butter down before she rushes toward me. She wraps her fingers around mine, tugging me against her as her arms wrap around my body. I’m not sure why she’s so excited. I’m the one either ruining or fixing my life right now.

She takes a step backward after releasing her grip on me, then lifts her arms, and her hands reach out, wrapping her fingers around my biceps, holding me at arm’s length as her eyes focus on mine. She’s smiling, huge. I don’t have the heart to tell her that this could not work out.

“This is amazing, Ryan,” she begins. “It’s what you wanted, right?”

I chew on my bottom lip, unable to answer her immediately. I should not feel this way. I should be jumping up and down, running toward the house and wrapping my arms around him, thankful for another chance.

Shawn wraps her fingers around my wrist before she tugs me toward one of the pub tables and chairs in the small dining area. She sinks down in one of the chairs, and I do the same across from her, but she doesn’t release her grasp on my wrist.

“Talk to me, Ryan.” Her words are a demand, but her tone is so sweet and gentle that I want to tell her everything immediately.

Instead of spilling my guts, I only spill a few of them. I spill the ones that matter. The ones that are part of this decision.

“I’m afraid that if I go back, he’ll get mad and turn his back on me again. I can’t do it again. I can’t go through that again. It hurts too badly. I love him too deeply.”

“Ryan,” she exhales. “Love is scary as hell. I’m terrified every single day, but you won’t be living if you don’t take that chance.”

“What if he destroys me?” I ask.

“But what if it’s beautiful and messy… and perfect?”

God, this woman is a saint. She’s perfect in every way. I don’t deserve her friendship. I know I don’t. She’s too good for this world.

“But what if it’s a disaster of epic proportions?” I ask.

I’m terrified of losing Grover again, but I’m also terrified of losing myself.

“You’ll just have to take a leap, Ryan. You can’t be scared of maybes and mights. You’ll miss out on all of the wonderfuls and happies.”

She’s right. I know she is. It’s just that what she’s saying already has a track record, and it’s not good, not at all, when it comes to me and Grover. We’re nothing, if not a beautiful train wreck, and I’m not sure we need to go down those tracks again.

But I want nothing more.

I want to chug down those tracks even if it means I will crash.

ATOMIC

Adam smiles up at me and wraps his fingers around mine, squeezing. I’m alone with him for the first time and need to think of something to do. An activity. But he’s a stranger, and I don’t know what he likes. Hell, I’ve never been around kids much, so I wouldn’t even know what kids like to do other than watching that wild cartoon about the animal cops and firemen.

“What do you want to do today?” I ask, deciding I’m going to let him choose the activity.

I have all the time in the world for this guy this weekend. He is my focus, at least during the day. I’m hoping that Ryan comes over tonight after she’s sorted whatever shit she wants to sort out. I’m thinking about her when I hear Adam’s voice ring out… loudly.

“Games,” he shouts.

“Games?”

He nods his head a single time. “Arcade.”

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