Page 203 of Unhinged

I lean against the closed door as she stands in front of me with her arms crossed. I say, “I don’t want to go into everything. Not yet. I need answers. Please, just help me.”

She nods. “Anything.”

I gasp as I catch my breath, thinking about everything Simone said. “Is it possible to jerk off on her and get pregnant that way?” This is so fucking awkward, but Sherry’s a damn gyno. She’s my expert. My phone-a-friend. My second mom.

Sherry blinks like she can’t believe I just asked her this. Her short brown hair jitters as she laughs, but it’s not the funny kind. “I need more context. Jerking off onto what?”

“Her chest. She went into the next room and used my… She put it inside of her… Don’t make this worse for me than it already is.”

She sighs. “Holy hell. I hope you’re talking about Simone.” I nod with an irritable frown. “With the look on your face, I don’t know if I’m giving you good or bad news, Greg. Sperm dies when it hits the air, but not in a mass suicide. It’s more like survival of the fittest, and the slow movers die first. If Simone went into a nearby room and fingered herself with it right away, there would still be at least a million tenacious swimmers left. And out of the throng, the one reaching the egg first is crowned the winner, or winners, for multiple eggs. Hell. In my career, I’ve seen at least twenty pregnant teen girls in my office who thought they were safe since it wasn’t intercourse. And that’s just the teens. Many adults don’t realize this, either. Regardless of how it got inside her vagina, your fresh sperm can absolutely find her egg and make a baby.”

The blood drains from my face as I whisper, “St. John’s wort and the pill?”

“Do not mix them. St. John’s wort interacts with the pill and suppresses it. Oh, God, Greg. Simone is pregnant?”

“Fuck,” I mutter as I slide down the door. Sherry drops to her knees next to me. I pull my knees up as the tears drip onto my shirt and coat. I rasp, “Yes.”

“Then why did you break up with your pregnant wife?”

I roll my head against the door as it dips into the panel grooves. “Because I thought she cheated on me or tried to get pregnant when I don’t want kids.”

“Why would she do either? You both have school and not great jobs right now. I don’t see her doing that purposefully. Accidents happen, though. I mean, Ashley, for one, and I’m a damn doctor. Your dad said even you were a surprise. Simone gushed about you in the kitchen. I don’t see her cheating.”

I cover my face with my hands as I soak them and take steady breaths. “Jesus Christ, I broke up with her. I ended our marriage.”

“Make this right, then. You have to. Now.”

“I’m still so fucking mad that her pill failed, and she…did that in the bathroom.”

“You need to get past it if you don’t want to lose her, Gregory. You ditched your pregnant wife. I can’t even believe that shit. We all make mistakes. Yes, this is one you’ll live with for the rest of your life, but it’ll turn out being the best non-mistake.”

“I… I wasn’t… I don’t…”

Sherry grabs my cheeks and narrows her eyes at me. “Simone is pregnant with your baby. You’re going to be a dad. You fucking better get her back. I will not lose my first grandchild because of your—”

“Stupidity. I know.”

“Be prepared to crawl for weeks and claw your way into her forgiveness. Your marriage may very well be over, but be on better terms with her for the sake of your child, Greg. Forget the rest for now.”

She stands and pulls on my arm until I stand with her. “Get out of here, and I want to hear an update within an hour. If she won’t see you tonight, try again tomorrow. If not then, give her time. Do not pressure her. I want regular updates, or I’ll kick your ass and have the girls lecture you.”

“Fucking shit. That’s torture. Thanks for your help, Mom.”

Sherry hugs me, but I’m impatient to leave. She whispers, “I love you. Thank you for trusting me to help you.” Trust.

I mumble, “I love you too.” I hug her tighter and fight a breakdown. I can’t. I don’t have time for that. The longer I let Simone dangle, the quicker her love for me dies. How can I be a lawyer when I knee-jerk accused my wife of cheating, lying, and purposefully messing with her pill? I don’t know shit, and my instincts were so fucking wrong. I should stay a bartender, but I’m not even qualified for that job, either.

In my truck, I text Simone, but I don’t receive a reply. I don’t even know where she went. Amos and Val have blown up my phone with voicemail and texts. There are even texts from my mother. Fucking hell.

Walking into the kitchen, I stop when I see my mom. “Simone quit her internship. What did you do, Gregory?”

She continues to throw questions at me, but I keep walking because I’m about to detonate. I don’t know where my wife and child are, and I’m the biggest dickhead on the planet.

Slamming my bedroom door, I turn on my old stereo loud to a classic rock station. I perch myself on the edge of my bed as Tom Petty sings about dancing with Mary Jane, so he doesn’t feel his pain. I need to get high or drunk right now. My mother has no alcohol here, and I buy none since it’s a work perk. Before moving back home, I hardly drank more than one beer at a time.

I hang my head and clasp my hands between my knees. She knocks, but I ignore her. When she doesn’t stop, I yell, “I’m playing with myself! Go away!”

Unfortunately, I didn’t lock my door, and it opens. Mom yells shit over the music, but I don’t care or acknowledge her. She smacks my arm before turning off the stereo.

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