Page 76 of All the Promises We Break

Revving motorcycles. Fist to the jaw. Hitting my head. Tears. Fears. Lies. All of this breaks the silence. I must have been as loud to the world as it was in my head. A calming hand rests on my back. “It’s okay. Wake up. You’re okay.”

I’m okay. Am I though?

In my haze, I reach back for the hand comforting me. I know in an instant, it’s not my wife. I roll toward the direction of the voice. Hayley’s lying beside me on Dylan’s pillow. “Hey, Kiddo.”

“Hey. Are you okay?”

“I caused this bullshit and you’re worried if I’m okay?”

“It wasn’t just you, Eli. We all had our parts. I just want to clear the air when you’re ready to listen.”

I tuck my right arm under my head as I offer her hand a subtle squeeze. “I’m ready to listen now.”

“I miss this. Just this. It’s been a long time since it’s been just you and me. I think that night on the beach was the last time. At least then we had booze.”

I smile a bit. There’s my little sister. “Let’s both pretend my headache is from too much fun instead of what it was.”

“I wish I could, Eli. I’m not that same little girl anymore. I think you forget that sometimes. I’m not in pigtails playing basketball with you. I’m grown now. I have my own thoughts and ideas. You show me that respect at work. Why can’t you do that when it’s just us? I am an adult who can have adult relationships.”

“Please don’t,” I beg. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“No, listen. You should mean if I get hurt again, because I have before. I know you want to protect me. I love that and I love you. I do even though I want to beat the shit out of you sometimes. This is what I want. I want to see if Wes and I can make this work.”

“He isn’t the commitment-type of guy, Hayley. He’s like a brother, and I love him, but he’s not like the princes I used to read about to you.”

“I know that. He’s dark and twisty. That’s okay with me. It’s real. He’s real.”

“He may be more real than you’re ready for.”

“Eli, I love him.”

Those words roll out fast, forcefully, and echo off every wall. I feel like I hear them each time they resonate on a different surface. I’ve heard her say I like this person, or this person is ‘hot.’ She’s never once used the word love in relation to someone she’s dating.

She has a light in her eyes that I fear will be quickly extinguished. “You only know parts of the story. You don’t know who he is, Hayley.”

“Do you? I mean you’re supposed to be his best friend. You’ve talked down to him, you’re talking shit about him, and you kicked his ass.”

“Please don’t remind me.”

She rolls away from me on her back, trying to pull her hand from mine. “Someone needs to.”

“Don’t shut me out either,” I scold. My pleas are becoming so loud that the words are vibrating again behind my eyes. I think Hayley can sense it. She immediately starts drawing circles on the back of my hand with her index finger. She’s trying to take the pain away. Hayley knew what choosing that gesture would mean.

“I won’t shut you out. We never wanted to shut you out, but this is exactly what we were afraid of. You tell me I don’t know who Wes is. How do you know I don’t? Are you there on every date we have? Are you in bed with us at night?”

I know I need to be very careful in my word choices. I can’t lose her. “Then tell me what you know. Tell me who you think he is.”

“Can you sit up?”

“I can.” I reach over and grab my glasses from the bedside table to slide them on. As I’m pulling myself up my headboard, I’m met with the pillows from under Hayley’s head cradling my back.

“Good?” she asks.

“I’m okay.” I reassure her with a small smile.

In the next instant she’s crawling into my lap. Her knees curl toward her chest and she pulls the sleeves of her sweatshirt down over her freshly painted manicure. The messy bun on her head tickles my shoulder as she rests against my chest. When Hayley was hurting as a child, she would always ask for this from me. It seems to be her safe place. Even after all I’ve done and said over the last thirty-six hours, she still wants me to fix it.

“Eli, he’s told me everything. Even if he thought I knew it, he told me again. I know all about the women he’s dated or just slept with. We talked about work and what he’d really like to do with his life. I know about Hannah, and I know what today is.

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