Page 2 of All the Promises We Break

One wrong choice and this could all be over.

I need air. I need that more than I need the wine, but I bring it with me. The impending night is my savior in the moment. AsI open the balcony door to let the gentle breeze hit me, I can feel the lightness of the air reach the bottom of my lungs.

My heart is still pounding in my ears. At least the white noise of the city below is allowing me to shut out the thoughts racing in my head. Can I really do this? What are we going to tell people at the office? Will this all work? Eli says he has no doubts. Is that true?

The padded bench calls to me from the far end of the balcony. As I close my eyes and set my glass on the floor, my knees instinctively pull to my chest. It occurs to me I’m wearing the same T-shirt Eli gave me to put on the first night I ever stayed here. We’ve lived a lifetime since then. Possibly two or three. There are no quick one-liners back and forth. There’s a harsh and beautiful reality in front of us.

My face turns to the wind and I simply breathe. When there’s nothing else, there is that. The sun gives me one last good night kiss as its rays bounce off the windows on a building a couple blocks away. My focus needs to center on the here and now versus the fear of the past and the future.

“I woke up and you were gone.” His sleepy voice echoes from the doorway. “Did I hear Lauren?”

“Yeah. She dropped off dinner for us. We just have to rewarm it. Her famous lasagna.”

“I missed waking up next to you.”

“I’m sorry. I needed a minute or two alone before the sun set.”

“Your face tells me you need more than a minute. Today was…” He pauses.

“You’re right it was. It was a lot.”

“Is this a private thinking session or can anyone join?”

“Not anyone, just you.” I loosen my grip on my knees to extend my hand to him. His hair is finally filling in from where they had to shave it. He slides his glasses up with his finger before taking my hand. I lift both my legs into the air, offering an invitationto sit before I cage him in under them. His soft lips leave their imprint on my forehead before he embraces his capture.

“Are you sure you should be up?”

“I’m fine. I’m more than fine. Now we need to work on getting you there. Do you need to change your answer to one or more of the questions you were asked today?”

His fingers rub over the ring he placed on my finger. It’s silently asking a bigger question than the one he just did in words. I cup his cheek with my right hand. “No. I don’t. Do you want to take it back?”

“That would be the point at which I’d want someone to take me back to the hospital and check my head again.”

I let my hand fall away from his cheek. “Not funny, Sawyer.”

“Hey, I’m not trying to make light of it. I just want to see you smile. Today was a good day.” Eli takes a deep breath before resting his lips on my forehead. “Look, maybe we need to talk. Get it all out in the open. I want to know what you’re thinking.”

“Are you ready for that, Eli? I mean really ready? It’s a mess in there right now.”

“What a beautiful mess.”

“Stop,” I beg.

“Don’t you know there’s nothing we can’t get through if we stick together? Things happen when we’re apart.”

“Pulling the older and wiser card?” I smirk.

“Yes and the been there done that. I need to ask you a question and I want you to answer me without thinking. Are you scared?” I open my mouth to say yes, but no words come out. Eli slowly tugs me over onto his lap, wrapping his arms around my body. “I know fear isn’t a thing you like to admit.”

“In dance, being a little afraid is a good thing. It means you still want to be better. You want to push yourself. But it can also lead to injury if you’re tentative.”

“Is that what you are, Viper? Tentative? You said you’re a mess. Tell me. I won’t break.”

Behind a wall I create with my hands, for the first time since Eli woke up, I completely melt into a waterfall of tears. You can only hold your breath for so long before you need to exhale.

Being afraid that he’d never hear me say I’m sorry, afraid our last words would be in anger. Now I’m afraid to look ahead. What if it’s all too much? What if I’m not enough? Above everything, I allow myself to fully feel the emptiness that would have consumed me if Eli was gone.

“I knew it. Damn. Dylan,” he whispers softly to me. “Please let me see your eyes.”

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